Little Things That Matter

Learn From The Past, Live The Present and Have An Open Mind to Face Tomorrow

Does Your Behavior Reflect Who You Are or Desire To Be?

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→ How often are you inspired by a person whom you meet or read or hear about? → What is it about them that makes you listen or to follow what they are doing or learn a lesson or two from them?

A friend of mine, Carole called me last week saying she wanted to meet me. Carole is one of the most cheerful person I know and on that call she sounded hassled, frustrated and dejected.

I know she had suffered a huge financial loss recently having trusted someone she thought was a friend. The trust that she had placed on this person was misused, mishandled and every aspect of her belief and friendship was broken. I had learnt from her that she was making efforts to get her money back and the process had been none too easy.

When I met her that day, she shared with me her experience with a person whom she had met with regard to getting her money back.

This person whom she met is wealthy, well-connected and this is a known fact among most people in the city we live. Now you would think, this person would have some class and it is not necessary for him to be boastful about his wealth, his connections, number of times he has had an expensive dinner and how influential he is.

However, listening to her narrate the details of the meeting with this person, I started wondering

♦ If this person knew what self-worth was?
♦ Did he feel comfortable in his own skin?
♦ Why did he not allow his act to prove who he was?
♦Did he think that the only way to impress was to rant about his wealth and his connections?
♦ What did success mean to him?
♦ Why the desperation to prove who he is?

His behavior indicated a great sense of insecurity.

I place my value in the character of a person in the way they act and behave and not on the display of their wealth, connections and their titles. I realized why my friend sounded so exasperated when she called on me.

♠ Key Reflections ♠

→ Do you let your actions impress or your talk?
→ Have you paid attention to your talk to listen ratio ?
→ Is it possible for you to win someone’s heart by a smile, by being there to listen and being authentic and human
→ Do you spare a moment to think about moments when you were in a vulnerable position and had self doubts? What did you want amidst those challenges?

Interestingly, he had mentioned to my friend that he was doing this in the interest of goodwill. However, listening to my friend narrate the conversation with this gentleman, I didn’t see any such indications in his behavior.

I wonder if people like him ever ask of their behavior

→ Am I being true to myself?
→ Why do I do what I do?
→ Is inflating my ego more important than being human?

Leadership is not about titles or display of wealth or your power and control. People come and go, titles and other add-ons are short-lived. However, a person is remembered for their character and the way they choose to behave. Our test of character is in the most vulnerable moments and the choice is entirely ours to make. Awareness is an important ingredient to act in character. Awareness not only about self but others and empathizing with the situation is imperative in any form of communication.

♣ Key Reflective Question ♣

How would you want to be remembered ? Someone who just boasted about their connections, titles, and their power or someone who inspired others, helped people along the way, get alongside them because you cared.

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How Are You Connecting With People?

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Lalita Raman

Businesses and organizations run because of the people, the relationships and the connections between people. When we network with people we look for common interests or topics to break the ice, strike a conversation and thereafter get into a discussion. In a business scenario, during interviews, a set of questions is asked by different people in an organization of a potential candidate. In each of these situations, be it at work (or in daily life), there is  judgment being made based on skills, qualifications, the ability to make an elevator speech, the way a person talks or present themselves, all of which are external factors.  Also, in today’s age of social media, there is an eagerness to strike a conversation with people who have large number of followers, or if they are famous. Again these are extrinsic factors. However, part of the judgment rests with our own gut feel or our intuition.

In today’s world there seems to be a lot of communication and modes of communication but is real connection happening? Leaders connect because they are human and understand that trust and rapport can’t be built without real connection. Meaningful communication is possible only with real connection.

How do you connect? Do you judge based on peripheral factors or do you take a look at the person intrinsically?

Ten Key Questions that enable you to make a connection with a person.

1. Do you take time to understand the person, their values?

2. Does their behavior and actions reflect their values?

3. How do they treat people who have no titles, or may be a waiter at a restaurant or a receptionist or a security guard?

4. How do they behave in situations of vulnerability ? Do they stand up for a good cause and speak up or tend to adopt a herd mentality?

5. Do they seem eager to prove their authenticity? Are they being too ostentatious in a large social gathering?

6. Do they carry a narcissistic attitude? One that can be observed from their talk to listen ratio.

7. In social media, there are several people who talk about engaging and sharing content. There are also many people in real life who have the gift of gab? Key here is, do they really walk their talk? Is their audio and video congruent?

8. Do they demonstrate empathy or are they too self-centered? Do they carry a positive energy in the way they behave?

9. Do they tend to be solution focused or just a naysayer?

10. How self-aware is this person? How do they react to feedback?

Listening and Observing, both in real life and in the virtual world, is important in connecting, building and maintaining relationships with people.  Skills, qualifications can be stated whereas character & attitude can only be observed and helps you to determine who a person is?

If you aspire to connect and grow as a leader, you need to understand yourself and others better. When you know people care about you and understand you, it makes a lasting connection.

How well are you connecting with people?

What are the Choices you make while connecting with people?

Are you ready for a retreat into ‘The Silence’

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“We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.” Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

On Easter Friday, I went with my friend  on a hike with her dog. She mentioned that she wanted to try ‘Vipassana’ a retreat into silence for 10 days. I had heard of similar things that some of my other friends had attended.

My first question to her would I be able to read? Of course I knew that, ‘Vipassana‘ does not allow reading, writing, talking, listening to music or any form of communication.

I heard myself saying being silent is fine as long as I can read. Yeah, I think I can do that for may be three days, but ten full days, I doubt it.

She started sharing similar things that she needs music, or TV or books to read.

My sister puts the TV on as soon as she comes home. The TV is on but she is not watching it and probably barely listening to it. It is almost like background noise in her house.

How many of you know people amongst your friends or family who have the music or TV on though they may not be listening or watching the same.

Why do many of us find this need to be doing something at all times?

Is it to simulate our mind?

Is it to avoid the silence engulfing us? Why did I worry about not being able to read or listen to music when my friend and I were discussing about ‘Vipassana’?

Why did my friend have similar concerns?

Most common responses you are probably going to hear is

  • the silence is deafening
  • I’ve no idea what I’ll do with silence all around me
  • I need to avoid the weird thoughts that come to my mind
  • I need to quieten my mind
  • I’ll feel lonely in complete silence
  • I’ll go insane.

I was worried because I am scared of being silent with no form of communication. I’m silent many times during the day but I’m reading or working or listening to music or writing or thinking or hiking or at the gym or yoga. Although I practice Mindfulness for a short period of time in the day, I can’t imagine myself doing meditation for 10 days and just being with myself and my thoughts. The lack of a stimulant in the form of books, articles to read or music almost feels like a vacuum in the absence of not talking.

Mindfulness and the practice of meditation apparently has been known to strengthen our pre frontal cortex.

I’m piqued but not sure if I am ready to take this journey of ‘Vipassana’ yet. It is a challenge and just because it is a challenge I’m tempted to do it.

I derive a lot of strength in silence during the day and when I am ready to undertake the journey of “Vipassana”, I hope I find peace and strength from that experience.

What are your thoughts?

Have you been on a journey of ‘Silence’ ?

Are You A Leader or a Manager ?

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A great person attracts great people and knows how to hold them together – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Leadership and management go hand in hand but yet we have great managers who may not be great leaders.

  • Have you identified why?
  • Have you had a high turnover because of your manager ?
  • Have you analyzed the traits of the team and those of the manager – High D,or C or S or I?

 Most of you may associate with the following descriptions of a leader and a manager.

Leader – one who inspires others by their actions and behavior. Leadership is a philosophy of life. Leadership is not about managing things but about developing people. It is about helping people to liberate the fullness of their talents while they pursue a vision that you have inspired them to buy into as a worthy and meaningful one. Great leaders are great teachers as well as great coaches.

Manager – managers direct and tell their team what to do. They plan for the achievement of day-to-day tasks and the goals of the department or group whom they manage. Managers, by nature, are concerned with outcomes.

A leader is not necessarily one with an organizational title but why don’t we have more managers considered as leaders?

Questions you need to ask is FOR FULL POST REFER LINK

In the organizational context, DISC can be used as a simple yet comprehensive construct to help leaders become more effective in the interpersonal aspects of leadership.

Dominance (“D” Factor) – How you handle problems and challenges

Influence (“I” Factor) – How you handle people and influence others

Steadiness (“S” Factor) – How you handle change and pace yourself

Compliance (“C” Factor) – How you handle rules and procedures set by others

For further details on DISC and taking the assessment, please contact me through the blog.  Thank you

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“The Silence” – 5 Do’s and Dont’s

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Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

How many times have you wished silence from a person sitting opposite you or in a meeting room ?

How many times have you been in an awkward moment when you realized that you should have kept silent after spitting out words in anger?

 In Silence it is important to listen and it is a communication skill in that one needs to know when not to talk or interrupt.

  1. In sales pitches, the inability to remain silent can cost the deal and many times the client relationship. Have you and your team members who are presenting to the client given an opportunity to the client to speak? Have you listened what they need?  A good sales person listens far more than they talk.
  2. You call on your friend to share a difficulty that you are going through. When you meet this friend, he starts talking about his day and how he would have handled or has handled difficulties in his life. He has barely heard you, leave alone listen. You sit there listening to his nonstop babble, when all you wanted him to do was listen – Listen silently without interruptions or judgment. Many times in life all we need is to vent out what we are going through and a person to listen.  There is a time for silence, time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.
  3. Most of us have met this person who endlessly brags about their deal striking ability or the number of places they have been or the people whom they have met. A lot of this happens without context and some of these nonstop banter may endanger the privy of confidential data.
  4. Being extremely negative about competition just to get your company to win the bid. Many times these conversations take place over a drink or dinner and damages the reputation of the company and the person.
  5. Dropping names just to show how influential you are.

There is a time and place for everything and silence in all the above situations is appropriate and necessary. It is better to use the art of silence rather than blurting out on an impulse, just to say something.

Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence – Leonardo Da Vinci

 Is Silence good or warranted in all situations ? No, absolutely not.

  1.  Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. You are the lonely one who can be the lead in your life.
  2. Never be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering, violence in any form and humiliation. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented and being neutral and silent is not the solution. The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people. Martin Luther King Jr.
  3. Never be silent when you are aware about acts of wrong doing within a company or in any other day-to-day situations.
  4. Never be silent in situations where silence may mean acceptance or consent or grant of approval.
  5. Do not be silent in the face of misunderstandings.

Silence is about mastering the art of timing. During public speaking, silence is good for the audience to think, for you to create emphasis around a new idea that you may be presenting.  Even on Social Media, you need to know that not everything needs to be shared and there is no necessity to have an opinion on every single matter or a status update on whether you are thinking, swimming, having dinner or wish to talk or doing many other things. If you need to express all of that, best to journal it or talk to yourself.

Silence is one of the great arts of communication as long as you know when and where.

It is tact that is golden, not silence. Samuel Butler

Which word or set of words will you choose to use every time you speak?

Do you need to speak every time you have an urge to say something?

Please refer my blog post on Power Of Listening – Shut Up and Listen Will Ya ?

Images : Lalita Raman

5 Strategies To Get Out of Your “COMFORT ZONE”

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“The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.”  Emily Dickinson

We all like our comfort zones.  It feels cozy, and we feel we are in cruise control.  Comfort zones however lull us into believing that the fear we feel to try something new is justified and acceptable. However, being in the comfort zone leads you to stop growing and learning. No matter who you are, you cannot stop learning and to learn you need to get out of your comfort zone. You may have heard your friends or colleagues who have the fear of public speaking or doing bungee jumping or swimming or even hiking a steep hill.

Common statements you hear from this fear are :

“I’m no good at public speaking”.

“I hate public speaking.”

“I’m scared of heights.”

“You are too good at this, there is no way I can make such good presentations”.

Most of these are, more often than not, self-limiting beliefs.  I agree each of our talents are different but unless you try how would you know if you are good at it or not?

What are you limiting by being within your comfort zone?

For the FULL POST CLICK THIS LINK

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Commitment : Top 15 Questions You Need to Ask Yourself

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“What we speak becomes the house we live in.”-Hafez.

Remember you are only as good as your word and actions that match your word. Failing to keep your commitments is an indication that you don’t care about your vision, or word, your client, their time, and the outcomes.

Questions you need to ask yourself when your actions are not in sync with your word are:

  1. Do you have a clear goal and vision
  2. Are you trying to pursue one too many goals or things to do at the same time
  3. Are you trying to get some brownie points by agreeing to do something but have no real intention of doing it
  4. Are you trying to avoid a situation of open communication and dealing with the situation
  5. Have you prioritized your goals or list of activities…..?

For the Full Post, please click on the following link

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The 10 Cs Of Communication

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Communication can make or mar relationships at any level. Clarity is key to communication. Communication is not only verbal but also includes body language. Clarity in communication substantiates supports, authenticates and endorses the conversation.

Rely on the meaning, not just the words. You have to always think Why are you saying what you are saying and How do you want your receiver to feel after you have said what you have to say.

What is Important in Communication?

1. Clarity – less is often more and keep it simple and short.  This is one of the main reasons for the importance of elevator speech.

 2. Commonsense – a word once spoken cannot be recalled. Know Yourself no matter what situation you may be in. You need to apply good judgement and keep a degree of level-headed in every aspect of life.

 3. Consistency – trust is built only with consistency. Being reliable is key to building credibility in communication as in life. Lack of communication is another way of saying lack of trust.

 4. Confidence – credence, conviction, belief and trust are key pillars of communication. The way you communicate will reflect your level of confidence.

 5. Character – all forms of communication demonstrates your character, personality, mental make-up, level of integrity and the values that you hold.

 6. Commitment – your word is your bond and your personal image. Commitment includes not only a deal, a promise, a contract, but also day-to-day spoken words.

 7. Creativity – a picture speaks volumes. Telling a story or giving an example or showing a visual often reinforces what you are trying to convey. Use your creativity in articulating your message.

 8. Courage – Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak but it is also what it takes to sit down and listen – Winston Churchill. Courage is a mark of leadership and communication offers a multitude of channels to exhibit your gallantry in spoken and written form.

 9. Consideration – You need to  listen to understand rather than listen to respond. Nobody knows how much you know until they know how much you care.

 10. Competence – You are how you express yourself.  Competence needs effective communication.

Communication is an essential ingredient in our daily life.  Silence is not the answer to avoid challenges.  Communication gap is created by our apprehensions, fear, ego, assumptions, inability to address the issue and ask proper questions.  Are you underestimating the importance of communication?

‘Do You Communicate’, please refer my earlier blog post on this topic

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Do You Communicate?

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Think Twice before you speak because words carry a lot of power and will plant and influence the seed of success or failure or hurt and anger in the mind of another.

Communication is an essential ingredient in any relationship. Communication involves interest, curiosity, enthusiasm, support, values, needs, aspirations, problems and solutions.

We live in an age where we spend more time on Facebook, Twitter and other forms of Social Media and don’t even make eye contact while talking face to face with a person sitting across us because the so-called conversing on social media is more important.  We are in an age where we have conquered the highest of mountains but have to master ourselves. We have fuller minds but emptier lives.

We believe in answering a ‘How Are You’ with ‘I am Busy’. We have become more of A ‘Human Doing’ than being A ‘Human Being’.

In spite of more modes of communication we find interpersonal communication a tricky thing to manage.

So how can we improve the lives around us?  By communicating better, from the heart and making a connection with the other, by empathizing, by trusting and listening.

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1. Recognition – One of the insatiable needs of every human being is to be recognized, appreciated and cherished and made to feel that They Matter.  No matter who you are and how wealthy or famous you may be, to convey that you appreciate the other person’s perspective and acknowledge the worthiness of the other person by valuing their issues and feelings is imperative.  Day-to-day it is important to show appreciation for the efforts and actions of people with whom you are in touch with at work or in daily life. The tone used cannot be condescending and there should be sincerity in the way it is communicated.

Lolly Daskal (@lollydaskal) conducts a #leadfromwithin chat session every Tuesday at 8pm EST.  What I like most about this chat is the genuineness with which Lolly recognizes each of the participants, either by RT what they have said or thanking them.  Actions speak louder than words and she is a living example of what she believes in and professes.

2. Cross Cultural Communication –  for those who live in cosmopolitan cities or work in multinational organizations we meet and interact with people from cross cultures. Inability to recognize the cross cultural traits will result in ‘Lost In Translation’.  Many a message may be distorted through the communication process, such that even an intended compliment might even turn into an unintentional insult.

Some examples that I have heard, seen or read

* A British boy studying the language in Germany was riding the school bus home. As it was summer the bus became really hot. In a typically British way of asking for the window to be opened he implied it rather that clearly stated it so asked the boy next to him, ‘Bist du heiss?’ (Are you hot?). The boy turned and looked with a startled expression. All the other passengers started to giggle. In the end someone explained he had asked his fellow passenger if he ‘felt hot’ – i.e. was feeling passionate.

* A friend of mine had just opened his restaurant and being a chef himself, he had cooked a rather exquisite Duck dish as part of the main course of A Set Dinner menu.  All his waiters were Chinese and when the dish was ready, he asked his waiters to serve the respective tables. However soon after he had this dish returned by every table. He was rather dumbstruck only to realize soon that the way the waiters had pronounced Duck sounded like Dog.

* In Asia, it is quite common to hear people saying you are very hardworking and it is meant to be a compliment. However when a European friend of mine had just moved to Asia she was very hurt when someone remarked  ‘Jenn you are very hardworking’,  I later learnt that hardworking meant – ‘habitually working diligently and for long hours’.  Though diligently is a compliment, working long hours may not necessarily be taken as a compliment by all since it may indicate inefficiency.

It is important to present your message in a hopeful, non-judgemental, open-ended way and point to common-ground and away from differences

3. Distancing in relationships – Communication can make or mar relationships.  The little space we allow and create in relationships prevents excessive familiarity and allows breathing room within the relationship.

I enjoy meeting people from different walks of life,  making new friends and cherishing old ones.  I connect with people, friends, colleagues, family,  with enthusiasm, trust and affection.  A lot of my relationships have changed my perspective to life, and many others have inspired me to approach life with a different twist.

Each of our relationships go through highs and lows. Communication here is not about talking all the time. It is important to give and  it is equally important to know when to pull back, be it between spouses, friends, parents or in any other relationship.

Giving space in a relationship is important to nurture relationships.  In my experience, the other person actually seeks you out if he or she really cares and it is important to let yourself be missed and to miss.

Space sometimes creates a vacuum in life. It’s when relationships cross the realm of this vacuum that they fuse back together.

4. Paraphrasing – In formal communications especially in meetings or  presentations, it is important to make the content interesting and riveting. Your clarity will help you stay on track and also keep your audience’s attention. Also, decide on only one point to convey. If you try to cram in several points or messages, you run the risk of over complicating your story and diluting its power.

I was having a chat with a friend of mine yesterday on Twitter and she made a very apt comment on the art of communication ” Bad Communication makes minutes seem like ages.”

Paraphrasing in meetings or in a conversation helps

– to show the other person you have been listening to what they are saying
– to check meaning and interpretation

5. Non verbal communication – to be aware of how your own non verbal behaviors like body language, eye expression or facial expressions may impact or facilitate the communication. It is necessary to

– be aware of the message your body language can convey
– have an open posture
– match eye contact. I find people who don’t make eye contact whilst talking to me very offensive and as if they are trying to hide facts.
– match pacing, use silence

In conclusion, Effective communication skills are a function of our interpersonal effectiveness.  Some of these interpersonal skills include Authenticity, Empathy, Unconditional support, Insight (perceive, understand and relate), curiosity, Listening, courage and willingness to offer feedback, ability to confront others without insulting.

What do you think. Are there any essential elements of communication that you would like to add ? Please share in the comments box. Thank you.