Little Things That Matter

Learn From The Past, Live The Present and Have An Open Mind to Face Tomorrow

The Pitfalls Of Willful Blindness

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I’m not a fan of watching soap operas. One day when I was changing channels to watch a program on CNBC, my attention was caught by a snap-shot of a scene in Star Plus, where a girl was asking questions to her grandma. I started watching this Indian soap opera called Veera. What got me interested in this soap opera was the girl’s never-ending quest to learn, to challenge, to explore, to question and not to take things for granted.

If you observe a child, you will notice that a child never stops to ask questions. Most questions asked by a child arise from curiosity and to determine the Why? However, as we grow older, we stop asking relevant questions. We take things for granted and are happy to accept the beliefs, the processes, the archaic methods.

When people ask me what is Coaching, I explain that a Coach facilitates listening in an adult environment by asking relevant and contextual questions. As your coach, I create an environment of evoking you to explore your maximum potential be it in tactical – sales, communication or leadership or transformational coaching.

How many times have you faced situations in your organization or in a community voluntary service, where you observe situations of conformity just to be seen in the group, despite situations which defy logic? A person who asks questions, despite being logical and rational is often seen as rocking the boat.

Take the case of Community Service. Community service is important because it gives people a sense of belonging and being helpful to others. However, many times in an NGO or in voluntary service organizations, you will observe that people have failed to ask:

  • Why have we come together?
  • What is the common purpose?
  • How can the community or those who claim to lead it engage others in what they are passionate about?
  • What are your different perspectives and interests?
  • How well do you know the group?
  • Is each one being utilized for what they feel worthy of ?

The meetings get wound up in processes and never-ending complicated procedures. The above is true within many organizations as well.

In many organizations, several policies and procedures are carried out because they have just existed. No one has dared to question them or find out if they serve the purpose. Even if someone has bothered to question them, many times they give up because it affects their career path within the organization.

An American academic study into organizational silence found that 85 percent of executives had issues or concerns at work that they had never articulated. The chief reason was fear of retribution.

More often than not, silence results not only from fear or discomfort associated with standing out like a sore thumb but also from futility. We see this within organizations among the senior management, in the political arena, in the non-profit world and in day-to-day matters of life be it child abuse, violence against women and other social matters.

What is this indifference or turning a blind eye called?

Willful Blindness is a dangerous panacea that spreads and harms not only yourself but the organization you possibly lead or the team you manage.

In her book, Margaret Heffernan argues that the biggest threats and dangers we face are the ones we don’t see – not because they’re secret or invisible, but because we’re willfully blind. She examines the phenomenon and traces its imprint in our private and working lives, and within governments and organizations, and asks: What makes us prefer ignorance? What are we so afraid of? Why do some people see more than others? And how can we change?

This Ted Video by Margaret Heffernan is worth watching.

Leaders need to ask questions, critique things, challenge the obvious, get out of their comfort zone. Renewal and success happens only when we refuse to lead our life and those whom we inspire, with apathy.

Be curious for the right reasons, curiosity is a wonderful leadership trait. It will enable you to be the change and explore new paths.

Curiosity is a desire to learn, to instigate change, to know, to care, one that you nor I can shy away from.

Reflective Questions

How are you paving the way forward to create a path of staying away from willful blindness?

As a leader what are you doing to take responsibility?

How willing are you to question and challenge the status quo?

For Coaching, Facilitating, Speaking and Workshops Connect. About Lalita Raman

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Resilience And You

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“Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, then it’s not the end.” Unknown
For me this quote is a gentle reminder of building resiliency.  Resiliency and character is built through tough time and adversities.
Resilience draws from strength of character, from a core set of values that motivates you to make efforts to achieve your vision. It helps you to overcome setbacks and bounce back on the path of success. You need to be self-aware, have self-control and acknowledge there is a set back and be willing to persist.
In an organizational capacity, resilience is the ability to pick yourself up despite the hurdles because you are responsible for others and see yourself as a support to others.
In several organizations and in the political arena of many countries, you hear statements like the growth will be maintained amidst numbers consistently proving otherwise. You continue to hear positive futuristic statements and that it is “business as usual”. However, reality is that no effort is being made to review, examine, critique and change the path to achieve the goals or work towards promoting the economy of the country or the growth of the Company. The internal structures and policies of some companies are designed to stagnate the growth and development. The propellers of change are the biggest hurdles to the very change they claim to want.
Resilience is not about:
→Resistance
→Denial of reality
→Creating a culture resisting change and questioning the archaic methods and beliefs
→Continuing to hope things will change for better without making any effort to rectify the means
→Crumbling under the pressure of challenges along the way
→Being blindsided by competition, mishaps along the way and giving up
→Putting out fires
→Complacency, arrogance, greed or narcissism.
“When things fall apart and we’re on the verge of we know not what, the test of each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize.” Pema Chodron
Resilience is manifested in actions towards achieving the goal, re-examining, renewing, unlearning and re-learning.
Leaders are resilient in the way they bounce back from setbacks. Disruptions and pitfalls happens to the best of us. Resilience is finding the courage to bounce back and figure out how to achieve your purpose.
How can resilience help you and your organization to progress ahead despite problems?
Problems are not the end but symptoms. If you are falling sick very often, it is up to you to figure out what is wrong. Is it your diet, your lifestyle, stress or something else? You need to figure out the symptoms to be able to rectify it. You need to figure this out and also possibly consulting a  doctor.  Similarly in organizations, low morale, high employee turnover, sluggish sales may be some of the symptoms. Resiliency is about figuring out what is the cause and figuring out ways to bounce back. Problems are opportunities. It enables you to make corrections, and go to the depth of why things are not working out as expected. It is amidst the chaos and uncertainty that we clarify and display our character and values to others and most importantly to ourselves.
The real test of your leadership lies in identifying the issue and addressing it.  Your leadership skills are tested in times of adversities and in the attitude you take to face them and bounce back. How you face these challenges is an embodiment of and a testament to your leadership. You lead by example and this empowers and motivates your team.
Why Resilience? Resilience is required for
→Higher engagement with your colleagues, clients, friends and within the overall environment that you are working in
→A positive attitude which enables you to become more engaged, creative and productive
→Creating a vicious circle of Consistency, humility and integrity
→Leveraging your skills and talents
→Source of inspiration from your own stories and lessons learnt from each of life’s situational challenges.
Resiliency is well summarized by Pema Chodron in her book “When Things Fall Apart” and I quote “Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it.  Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It’s a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs.”
What are you doing today to be resilient?
How can you find ways to be resilient?
Are you going on the journey within and looking inside to create the necessary shift to rethink and renew?
How do you build Resilience? For Coaching, Facilitating, Speaking and Workshops Connect
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How Are You?

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Lalita Raman

Lalita Raman

How are you is a common question that some of us ask of each other, answer to which is many times not listened to or is stated as a matter of fact.

In this day and age where relationship with your mobile may be stronger than the relationships in real life, even the How Are You is rarely being asked?

Do you take your life and those around you for granted ?

My first experience or realization of not to take life for granted happened about 11 years back. A colleague and friend of mine, who was working in our Korea office, whom I had met 2 days back, suddenly passed away. I initially thought this was a cheap joke being played by somebody but unfortunately it was hard-core reality. This guy was in his mid thirty’s and died because of a sudden heart attack. I couldn’t believe this and it took me awhile to come to terms that he was no longer in this world. He was one of our best traders, a friend and a good soul.

Sep 11 was another incident which created a severe jolt in several lives for those who lost their near and dear ones and for many others. Lives were lost in a snap second and from an incident which was beyond their control and with destiny playing its rude game.

These incidents to me are a lesson that there may not be a tomorrow. Let people who matter to you know that you care, you are there for them and appreciate them.

I still remember one of my clients who used to get upset if I asked “How are you doing?” Or “How are things?”. He wanted his daily call from his sales coverage to be to the point with no niceties whatsoever. Being a client, I didn’t want to rock the boat and continued to adhere to his request. However, there were days when I realized that he was not his usual self from his tone, his response and the way he listened. On one of those days, when I called him, I asked him How are things? and he retorted “strange you have stopped asking me how am I doing?”
The point is we all at most times like to be asked, How are we doing? How is life treating us?

Ask these from the heart and not as a chore. And if you are not feeling fine say so, and if you don’t wish to share details with everyone who may have asked you, so be it.

What I can’t understand is why are we forgetting these basic courtesies? Has kindness and basic courtesies gone on a long hiatus in your daily life?

–Each of us have our day-to-day schedules, however, why choose to shy away from humanity?
-Do you feel belittled by asking others how was your day? Or how are you?
-Why have stereotype answers as I’m busy or I’m fine when the reality may be something else. No, I’m not suggesting that you start sharing your day and life with everyone who may ask you this question, but be realistic.

You may be independent and a tough and strong person but even the strongest need a hug, an appreciation a smile and to be asked How Are You Doing? It is okay to share the real you with your friends and people whom you have a rapport with. You never know when a simple question like How Are You Doing ? Or How is Life With You, may reveal the challenges others are facing. You may be able to help in such situations.

We are born into the same Earth and nature or death makes no discrimination.

Choose to fill your day with kindness and gratitude.
Choose to be known as someone who leads with their heart.
Choose to care about little things because they matter.
Choose to touch people’s lives with the gift of your time and attention.

Time will keep moving forward but are you taking the moments as given?

Ask of yourself How Are You Doing ? Take time to reflect and go on the journey within.

What Michael Jackson Teaches Us About Leadership and Life?

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On Sunday, I watched the Michael Jackson THE IMMORTAL World Tour show by Cirque Du Soleil. I’ve always been a big fan of Cirque Du Soleil. There is a lot to be learnt about life and leadership from their shows, which I shall cover in a later post.

Watching the show, I couldn’t help think about the impact that Michael Jackson made through his music and his songs. His songs had and have a lot to offer on love, life, leadership, humanity, team spirit, togetherness, leaning in, and every little things that matters in life.  Despite several criticisms, if you look at the legend that this man was, you will realize that Michael Jackson expressed his charisma, hope, humanity, compassion, sincerity and love through his music.

Some of my favorite Michael Jackson quotes are:

“Hope is such a beautiful word, but it often seems very fragile. Life is still being needlessly hurt and destroyed.” ― Michael Jackson

In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.” ― Michael Jackson

“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” ― Michael Jackson

What can you learn from MJ’s music?

1. **The Earth**

Extract of the lyrics

What about sunrise
What about rain
What about all the things
That you said we were to gain…
What about killing fields
Is there a time
What about all the things….
Did you ever stop to notice
All the blood we’ve shed before
Did you ever stop to notice
This crying Earth
This weeping shores?
……What have we’ve done to the world
Look what we’ve done
What about all the peace
That you pledge your only son…
What about flowering fields….

In 1995,  he raised awareness about the destruction that our acts are causing to Mother Nature and our Planet Earth.  The lyrics in his music not only asked relevant questions but also made an appeal to save our Planet Earth.

♣Don’t we as human beings need to take notice of our actions in all we are and all we do?♣

 2. **We are the world**

Extract of the lyrics 

There comes a time when we heed a certain call When the world must come together as one There are people dying And it’s time to lend a hand to life The greatest gift of all…

We can’t go on pretending day by day

That someone, somewhere will soon make a change We all are a part of God’s great big family And the truth, you know, Love is all we need We are the world, we are the children We are the ones who make a brighter day So let’s start giving There’s a choice we’re making We’re saving our own lives It’s true we’ll make a better day Just you and me….

This is a song of hope, love and one that asks us to think, are we not all part of God’s larger family and if so why the hate, conflict, selfishness and war?

 ♣Don’t we need to be mindful of our actions?♣

♣Don’t we need to be aware in our moments of choice?♣

♣Are we thinking about the consequences of each of our choices and resultant action or inaction?♣

3. **Heal the World**

Extract of the lyrics 

There’s A Place In
Your Heart
And I Know That It Is Love
And This Place Could
Be Much
Brighter Than Tomorrow
And If You Really Try
You’ll Find There’s No Need
To Cry…..
There Are Ways
To Get There
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
Make A Better Place…
Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race…

♣At every moment of choice let us ask yourself, are we being mindful?♣

♣Are we being human?♣

♣Are we making the world a better place?♣

♣How are we caring?♣

4. **The Man In The Mirror**

Extract of the lyrics 

I’m gonna make a change
For once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right….
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change……

♠Change begins with me and each of us and there is no point in pointing fingers and engaging in the blame game.♠

 ♣How are you holding yourself accountable?♣

♣How are you being a responsible person?♣

5. **Keep The Faith**

Extract of the lyrics

If You Call Out Loud
Will It Get Inside
Through The Heart Of Your Surrender
To Your Alibis
And You Can Say The Words
Like You Understand
But The Power’s In Believing
So Give Yourself A Chance
‘Cause You Can
Climb The Highest Mountain
Swim The Deepest Sea, Hee
All You Need Is The Will To Want It
And Uhh, Little Self-Esteem
So Keep The Faith
Don’t Let Nobody Turn You ‘Round
You Gotta Know When It’s Good To Go
To Get Your Dreams Up Off The Ground

♠Believing and trusting in yourself is imperative. Keep the hope up and never give up on yourself. Surround yourself with positivity and people who encourage and support you.♠

 ♣How are you boosting your confidence?♣

♣How do you help yourself feel it till you make it?♣

♣What is your support infrastructure?♣

♣How are you benefiting from it?♣

Each of these songs and the lyrics is applicable in daily life, in situations of leadership in life and within organizations, in despair, in hope, in believing in others and yourself and in spreading love and peace. A message of hope, love, care, and giving is what he left with each of us in his music.

Reflective Questions 

♦How are you going to be who you want to be?♦

♦How are you going to leave your impact on this world?♦

 

Leadership Lessons From The Movie “42”

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Life offers the strangest twists and turns for some of us. Some of these challenges agonizes you, tortures you and you are left wondering what did you do wrong? Why “me”?

I’ve always considered life’s challenges as a way to learn and when I get into a negative mode, I realize that negativity pulls me down further and I need to bounce back from that thinking.

My journey to date has been inspired by my parents, some of my friends, my family, people whom I’ve read about or met, books that I’ve read and some of the movies that I’ve watched.

I saw the movie “42” recently. 42 tells the story of Jackie Robinson and, under the guidance of team executive Branch Rickey, Robinson’s signing with the Brooklyn Dodgers to become the first African-American player to break the baseball color barrier. The story focuses mostly on the 1947 Brooklyn Dodgers season and somewhat on Robinson’s 1946 season with the Montreal Royals.

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles…by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. – Mark Twain

Jackie Robinson, despite support from Branch Rickey and later on from some of his team members, was not without troubles and hardships. His color was not his choice but he proved that the way he played the game and his attitude was his choice despite the continued abuse he got from society at large.

What appealed to me about the movie was the way he handled his troubles. He was treated unfair several times, but his attitude proved to be his greatest ally. 

Hardships and troubles are part of most people’s lives. Whether you like it or not you face challenges and a lot of leaders or people whom you have been inspired by the most, have faced many daunting moments. How well do you stand the test of Leadership When The Heat Is On?

Key Learnings From The Movie

1. Ignore – ignoring difficulties you face in life is not a solution. If you choose to run away from the situation you make it worse for yourself and the team you are leading or those whom you seek to inspire.

Jackie Robinson chose not to ignore what he was in but led himself with his passion for the game and proved to his worst abusers who he was. He consistently played his game with passion and for his team that made it hard for his abusers to continue with their sick attitude.

As a leader, make a choice to look at the reality of what has occurred and whether you feel you can accept it or not. Step back, assess the reality, and determine what can be done to move forward and not make the matter worse. By ignoring the situation, you as a leader can create animosity and hurt the morale of people around you.

Just because you choose to avoid to see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or goes away. You weaken your situation as a leader.
Love what you do and put your heart and soul in it 100%.

2. Create & Keep – we are humans and yes do get affected by the way people treat us or by others attitude. However by taking an antagonistic or negative attitude you could be creating more hardship. Recognize your emotions, prop yourself up with the support of your own positive mindset or with the help of friends, if necessary.

Your inaction or the way you communicate or not could be the cause of trouble for you and your team.

Jackie Robinson faced many situations where he could have let his emotions take over. If he had done so, he would have lost concentration in his game and in being able to deliver an excellent performance. He chose not to create trouble or add to the hardship he was already in. He was not responsible for the color he was born with or on how others treated him or their behavior. He had full control over his attitude and his response to such treatment and he made a choice to focus on his game and not get carried away by his emotions. He chose not to create or keep the troubles.

As a leader what you are responsible for is your presence of mind in each moment of choice.

3. Interest – are you interested in what you do and do you have enough passion to be able to continue that path which has been one of hardship so far?

Jackie Robinson loved baseball and his love for the game was so immense that he was able to let that passion take over and surmount the troubles he faced during his early baseball career. He kept his focus on the game and his goal of being the best in his game helped him achieve success for himself and his team.

As a leader are you passionate about your purpose in life? Have you been able to garner the support and inspire others to the same vision? Is this passion so strong to be able to lead you through the struggles you face in your journey? Do you care about the results of your actions. If you do, then will your behavior and actions yield the desired results? If not, what if any, do you need to change?

4. Support – none of us can work is isolation. You need the support of a mentor, coach, boss, friends, family and people who believe in you. The environment and people around you matter and plays a vital role in shaping who you become.

Jackie Robinson had unending support from his wife, his fans, guidance of team executive Branch Rickey, and members of his team. Branch Rickey believed in him, in his game and gave him support and guidance during his baseball career.

An encouraging hand and a caring heart is what a leader needs to get and give.

Through the struggles, a leader should not undermine the importance of setting up an environment that tolerates and supports a mistake, weaknesses of each member of their team and help them grow.

Reflective Questions

1. What are you ignoring or avoiding and Why?

2. What hindrances have you created and how can you correct them?

3. What baggage are you keeping that is hindering the path of self-development and the growth of the team?

4. Are you giving your 100% in all you are and what you do?

How Committed Are You To Your Word?

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Lalita Raman

Lalita Raman

“I’ll get that done by tomorrow morning.”

“Just leave it to me, I’ll help you get that website of yours up and running by the end of this weekend.”

“Hey, you’ve often said that you and I should collaborate together on a topic of common interest where we can work together. You have been interested in leadership workshops and speaking sessions. How about we collaborate on that and see how it goes? Are you interested? You always say that you are interested and then despite several follow ups’ from me, you don’t revert on how we can proceed together. You make statements on how we should think about working together and yet there is zero follow through!”

How many times have you been in one of the above situations where your friends or business partners or acquaintances commit in words to do something yet there is no follow through action?

Our desires dictates our priorities which in turn shape our choices. Our choices in turn determine our actions. Thoughts translate into feeling, feeling to words and/or action, actions become habit, and habits crystallize into character. The formation of a good character, therefore, is largely dependent upon the right unfolding of thoughts and feelings. A person whose thoughts, audio and video is in sync is known to be one who walks their talk. However, is it imperative that every spoken word be translated to action?

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.” ― Mark Twain

When is action warranted? I would say almost always. If your word is who you are, having the commitment to follow through and the courage to take the kind of bold action that creates new opportunities is, possibly, one of the most critical skills a leader can have. Every time you commit with your word and don’t honor it with your action, you reveal your character. Do you want to create a relationship of trust and show that you are responsible for your words and actions ?

When is action not necessary ?

-> If you have not been diligent in the way you use your words, possibly in situations of anger and emotional outbursts, follow through action may not be necessary.

-> when you have been boastful of things that you are not capable of or when you had no intention to keep up your words, action is unlikely to follow. The words are not indicative of your authentic self.

Every time this happens, ask yourself:

♠”What am I doing right now that is a powerful and meaningful use of this moment?”
♠”Am I acting responsibility and am I being authentic to myself and in the way I am relating to others?”
♠”Am I avoiding commitments habitually? What am I doing to get out of my comfort zone?”
 ♠”What changes do I need to bring about to cause a shift in my behavior?”

→Lying to others is bad enough but the worst lies are those we tell ourselves.←

♣Life is a journey of challenges and opportunities and one in which we need to relate and make a connection with others. The choice is yours to make.♣

†Are you willing to keep an open mind, open heart, and be aware about your thoughts, feelings, words and actions?
†Do your words matter?
†Are you ready to take the step forward of being committed and live with integrity?
†Do you have the inclination and thus make the time and effort to keep your word?

Character, the decisive factor in the life of a leader

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Life throws many challenges, she pushes you, propels you and prods you. How you behave, act and live through each of these challenges is your choice. Your character is who you are in these moments of choice.

We have good days and bad days. Good days give you joy, and bad days tests you, teaches you and how you deal with it makes you who you are. Your character is tested and revealed the most during adversities.

What are the key elements of Character ?

1. Commitment – how dedicated are you to who you are and what you seek to do? Words are necessary but actions provide the power and prove who you are and the important link between the two is Commitment. How would you feel, when someone who borrowed your book fails to return within the promised time? In every aspect of life, you need to walk and live your talk. Your thoughts, audio and video needs to be in sync.

2. Honesty – A journey within, to follow the inner voice that has both gentleness and clarity and helps you find who you really are. We need to be bold and courageous to follow this inner journey, to face who we are, what we are capable of, what we are uncomfortable with and be true and honest to the inner core. How authentic are you? Authenticity is not only being true to oneself, being yourself or “walking your talk” but also how you feel about yourself. Authenticity is when you are comfortable in your skin and also connecting with others without any hypocrisies.

3. Attitude – I find it rather strange that on Twitter, many choose to say thank you immediately if a mention or a Retweet has been made by someone who has more than 30,000 followers. Till then the person who has done a RT and Mention is completely ignored. This to me reveals the attitude of the person and a true display of their character. You reveal your character in how you choose to treat someone who can’t do anything for you. Your attitude is what you choose and something you have complete control of.

4. Respect – one of the values I was taught as a child is to give respect and then take. Respect not only those who are rich and famous but a waiter in a restaurant or a person who cleans the public toilets. Imagine if the public toilets in the airports weren’t cleaned or the trash wasn’t cleared. Would you like to do that job ? Respect a person irrespective of status or titles.

5. Abilities – your ability is in not how high your IQ is but depends to a great extent on your EI when you deal with others.

6. Courage – how often have you stepped out of your comfort zone and tried to be who you are or who you wanted to be? How many times have you approached your daily life with courage? I drive a lot of inspiration from reading or seeing or knowing people, who, despite their physical limitations, have ventured to climb Mountain Kilimanjaro or have engaged in similar activities.

7. Trust – no journey or relation begins without Trust. Your behavior, your act and your own inner journey should enable reliance to be placed on your integrity, strength, ability and who you are.

8. Empathy– how well are you able to identify with another’s situation, feelings and emotions? Do you like to take center stage by talking more than listening? Do you listen to understand or respond? The best gift you can give someone is your attention and empathy. How you empathize reveals your character?

9. Righteousness – doing the right thing at all times and in all circumstances whether or not anyone is watching or observing you. Does the end justify the means for you and do you allow the end to dominate your behavior? Do you listen to your inner voice or go by the herd mentality in situations of dilemma?

Inward change begins when you evaluate and reflect on your strengths, your blind spots and attitudes. You can be a leader when you look in the mirror and make changes you need to make. Leadership is not about titles or occupying a big position in an organization. It begins with small things in day-to-day life be it in how you respond to abuse on the street, how you behave in a crowd when you see something blatantly wrong, how you respond to someone who may not be able to do anything for you in your life and who you are when you feel your life is in the trenches.

-How are you revealing your character on a daily basis ?
-Are you humble in your acts and who you are ?
-Does leadership mean only occupying a title and position within an organization?
-How are you influencing those lives whom you touch on a daily basis ?

How Do You “LET GO”

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Life is the best teacher, a friend, a soul mate. She teaches you what none others can teach and it is in living life through the challenges she throws at us is what makes life.

There are things in life you can’t hold on for ever and life isn’t for ever either. Life from the day you are born, moment by moment, tells you to let go. Nothing lasts forever, you are at this stage in your life because you have let go of your childhood, your youth, some of your age-old habits and idiosyncrasies. Through the years of your life to date, you may have different ways of doing things, you may have changed your job, your career or possibly even some of your relationships that were not working for you.

In each of the transitions in life be it natural, by accident or by choice, you have been able to move forward because you have let go of something. Yet, there are modes in your lives where you continue to grip on some things that you expect to last forever. You refuse to Let Go.

This could apply to your relationships, projects that you have put your heart and soul and yet don’t see the desired results, business venture that you are passionate about but ROI tells you otherwise, your behavior at work or socially, and may be aspects of your overall being.

What is the emotion you undergo when you refuse to let go?

  • Fear of the unknown
  • uncertainty
  • perspective of failure in your mind
  • discomfort
  • denial to see the benefits
  • negativity
  • love the perceived sense of control

Destiny isn’t always good and be it in some paths chosen in relationships or with respect to our professional life, you have to let go and consider the people and the opportunities in those paths as lessons learnt for better things in future. You may say easier said than done.

♠Letting Go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.♠

I’ve found that the more I cling to outcomes and things, the more I create an anchor that drains my energy and in turn I discourage myself.

So how can you help yourself Let Go?

1. Internal conversations – each of us have a conversation that we have with ourselves. This could be self talk or negative talk. Your thoughts control your feelings and these feelings translates into your internal conversations. Your brain drives your behavior from your internal conversations.

♣What are you telling yourself when you hold back from letting go ?

2. Labeling Emotion – each time you struggle with the idea of letting go, stop to reflect. Do you understand your emotions and beliefs? Why do you think that way? Try to label the emotion (could be fear, anxiety, uncertainty, failure) associated with the struggle of letting go – this helps to calm your brain and focus on action forward.

♣Do you tend to dwell on what used to be that is distracting you from taking the necessary action to move you forward?
♣Do you tend to complain and take no action to see what can be done differently to achieve desired outcomes?

Our brains are geared to rewards and thus expecting desired outcomes from our efforts is but natural. However, consuming yourself with the negative outcome only results in frustration and negative emotions. Instead, when something doesn’t go as per your expectations, train your mind to view this circumstance as a chance to learn something you didn’t know. Every experience teaches you something and it a matter of consciously looking at it from a perspective that helps you to move forward.

♣Learning to understand your emotions, reflection on your actions and the experience sets the path for refocusing your energy and “letting go” less painful.

3. Reframe – Do you reflect and once you reflect do you reframe the situation by finding out what’s really going on?

Our brains are constantly on the lookout to move towards what it perceives as a reward and away from what it perceives as a threat. And is five times more likely to perceive something unknown as a threat than a reward. This possibly explains many disquieting parts of our life. Certainty concerns being in the know. Being able to predict gives us that feeling of control and certainty. Without prediction our brain needs to use a lot more energy intensive PFC. In today’s fast paced global world, it is becoming more difficult to anticipate what’s next. To fuel this uncertainty is our own beliefs and biases as to how we perceive a situation. All this makes letting go more difficult.

♣Reframing a situation helps you to manage your beliefs, your perception and your feelings. It helps you to look at situations from a different context and not narrow yourself to your own bias.♣

4. Criticism – do you criticize yourself and everyone else, every time something doesn’t go as per your plan. Does this stop you from letting go of unfair expectations of yourself and others ? Life is a roller coaster and not perfect. Letting go eases your agony that you put yourself through by engaging in “blame game” and “know it all”. When you catch yourself thinking and behaving in a manner that signifies that you know everything and have little tolerance to any new ideas or methods, it is time to stop and reflect.

♣How flexible are you to expand your mind and go out of your comfort zone?

5. Control Freak – one of the common hurdles to letting go. Each of us are unique and have our contribution to make. We can control out behavior, our choices but how others act or behave is outside our control. Positive change occurs when you decide to let go of control over everything in your life and work.

Imagine you are on your way to an appointment at 3 pm. You leave well ahead of time. However you get caught in a nasty traffic jam. You try to change lanes, honk, curse, get agitated and yet nothing changes. Each time you succeed at changing lanes, your frustration increases because you realize that the new lane is no better. There are many situations similar to this which are beyond your control in your day-to-day life. You cannot have everything you want despite your efforts to make it a success. Let go or else you get caught in a negative vicious cycle.

6. Negativity – negativity breeds negativity and saps your energy. Your surroundings in terms of the people you are with matters to your overall being. There are some people in this world who are full of negative energy and drain you. There are others who provide soul food and are full of positivity and energy. Be with people who support you, challenge you but help you grow. Let go of relationships that jeopardize your being and don’t accept you for what you are.

♣What would you experience if you surround yourself with people who believe in you and help you get better in what you do? 

♣What would it be like if you spend more time with people who have positive vibes and make you feel valued?

Letting go is difficult when we allow ourselves to be overly attached to outcomes, when we have given our heart and soul to some relationships. My own journey of having to let go of things and relationships which weren’t working for me hasn’t been easy. What has helped me in the journey of life is to reflect, reframe and think about the way forward and believe in myself. Gearing my brain towards the rewards associated with the new path helps ease the pain that I associate with letting go.

I’ve learnt and am still learning to be willing to open up to possibility, learn new ways, grow in effectiveness by LETTING GO.

→If you “Let Go,” it does not mean you are giving up but you make a choice to take a different path to your ultimate vision.←

How do you Let Go?

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Fake It Till You Make It

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One of my sister’s friends’ colleague Anita, submitted her resignation recently, since she had found another job. Whilst she was serving her notice period, she still kept hoping that she would be asked to stay in her current organization. She was almost nearing the end of her notice period when my sister’s friend asked Anita why she wanted to stay back. Anita did not have any job in hand. She had pulled a fast one since she believed in doing so, she would get a salary hike with her current company.

You have probably heard of “Fake it till you Make it” ever so often. I have always wondered about this statement.

Do you fake
→your values, authenticity, talents and skills?
→your job, salary, what you can afford
→your emotions, compliments and the way you articulate
→who you are

Fake it till you make it or become it seems to be losing its essence in the way people are using it. I have always understood “Fake it Till You Make it” as, to get over your negative self talk, to believe in yourself, to achieve your dreams and not have your inner critique take over.

From when did it become not being authentic, or being a hypocrite or lying about who you are or what you have?

There are many Anita’s I hear about or meet and I look at them and wonder

♣why do you do what you do?
♣would you rather put on a facade and continue the path of self-deception or be true to your inner self?
♣how long will you keep running away from your inner voice?
♣what would you be proud of yourself and who you are today?
♣what legacy do you want to leave behind in people’s hearts?
♣are you putting away your darkest fears and doubts by being who you are not ?

Psychological research shows that the self-fulfilling prophecy works for both negative and positive predictions, indicating, again, that the beliefs you hold have an impact on what happens to you. And in making something happen, you got to believe that it is possible and you are capable. This extends to your confidence with respect to public speaking, being able to deliver a presentation  or a project. The placebo effect works when applied to build and boost your confidence, when you have the skill set, and are adequately prepared.
We all have moments when we need to fake the confidence, to believe we can do it.By allowing yourself to build and applaud that skill that you have needs to be practiced without any intentional deceit or harm.

Reflective Questions

♣Are you doing what you are doing to establish credibility?
♣What are your core values? Does your behavior and actions reflect your values?
♣How are you living in alignment with your values?
♣Are you building or harming your character in getting over your negative beliefs ?

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Does Your Behavior Reflect Who You Are or Desire To Be?

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→ How often are you inspired by a person whom you meet or read or hear about? → What is it about them that makes you listen or to follow what they are doing or learn a lesson or two from them?

A friend of mine, Carole called me last week saying she wanted to meet me. Carole is one of the most cheerful person I know and on that call she sounded hassled, frustrated and dejected.

I know she had suffered a huge financial loss recently having trusted someone she thought was a friend. The trust that she had placed on this person was misused, mishandled and every aspect of her belief and friendship was broken. I had learnt from her that she was making efforts to get her money back and the process had been none too easy.

When I met her that day, she shared with me her experience with a person whom she had met with regard to getting her money back.

This person whom she met is wealthy, well-connected and this is a known fact among most people in the city we live. Now you would think, this person would have some class and it is not necessary for him to be boastful about his wealth, his connections, number of times he has had an expensive dinner and how influential he is.

However, listening to her narrate the details of the meeting with this person, I started wondering

♦ If this person knew what self-worth was?
♦ Did he feel comfortable in his own skin?
♦ Why did he not allow his act to prove who he was?
♦Did he think that the only way to impress was to rant about his wealth and his connections?
♦ What did success mean to him?
♦ Why the desperation to prove who he is?

His behavior indicated a great sense of insecurity.

I place my value in the character of a person in the way they act and behave and not on the display of their wealth, connections and their titles. I realized why my friend sounded so exasperated when she called on me.

♠ Key Reflections ♠

→ Do you let your actions impress or your talk?
→ Have you paid attention to your talk to listen ratio ?
→ Is it possible for you to win someone’s heart by a smile, by being there to listen and being authentic and human
→ Do you spare a moment to think about moments when you were in a vulnerable position and had self doubts? What did you want amidst those challenges?

Interestingly, he had mentioned to my friend that he was doing this in the interest of goodwill. However, listening to my friend narrate the conversation with this gentleman, I didn’t see any such indications in his behavior.

I wonder if people like him ever ask of their behavior

→ Am I being true to myself?
→ Why do I do what I do?
→ Is inflating my ego more important than being human?

Leadership is not about titles or display of wealth or your power and control. People come and go, titles and other add-ons are short-lived. However, a person is remembered for their character and the way they choose to behave. Our test of character is in the most vulnerable moments and the choice is entirely ours to make. Awareness is an important ingredient to act in character. Awareness not only about self but others and empathizing with the situation is imperative in any form of communication.

♣ Key Reflective Question ♣

How would you want to be remembered ? Someone who just boasted about their connections, titles, and their power or someone who inspired others, helped people along the way, get alongside them because you cared.

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