Little Things That Matter

Learn From The Past, Live The Present and Have An Open Mind to Face Tomorrow

Are You “A Wannabe” or “A Go Getter”?

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You meet your friend Jane for a coffee and in the midst of her conversation with you, she remarks, you know I love writing and am planning to write a book. I want to finish writing at least four books before the end of 2013 and publish it over the course of the first quarter in 2014.

You meet her after 3 months and ask her how she is progressing with her book. She says she has made little progress but she is going to focus and get it started with renewed vigor.

You meet Jane again after two months and she has not made any significant progress on her book. It is already July and she is still procrastinating on her first book. You wonder how she is going to make her dream of finishing four books by the end of 2013 achievable.

How often have you heard yourself and others wish similar things?

Are these just dreams or wild wishes that cannot be translated to reality?

I hear an overwhelming “no”, from you. So what makes dreams come into reality ?

We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort – Jesse Owens

What is that creates the gap between dreams and the action required to make this dream happen?

I often ask my clients when they set goals and regret about not achieving it,the following questions

1. What are your wants and should’s?
2. How often do you tend to be driven by your wants and should’s?
3. How often do you make your wants as should’s and turn that as a focal point on any given day?
4. What have you wanted to do and haven’t?
5. What recharges your batteries?
6. What led you to achieve your wants in the past ?

What stands in your way to making your dreams come true ?

1. Passion If you wake up each day and putting efforts in getting closer to achieving your dreams feels like a death sentence, it is time to ask are you driven by that dream? Are you passionate about it and will still seek to achieve it despite the hurdles along your way?

2. Rewards our brains like rewards along the way. In the case of dreams like writing a book, you may not be able to see the immediate reward. For me writing a blog post, translating an idea to a completed blog post gives me a thrill. Every drop in an ocean counts and baby steps are a good way to start anything new. What are these rewards that will make you stay committed in your journey to achieving your dreams?

3. Priorities – each of us have a part of the day when we function our best. For some of us this may be early morning, and yet for others late night. How can you utilize this time more productively. Can you prioritize your day in a manner that you do those activities that require thinking, understanding and being creative during the best part of your day? Do you take adequate breaks to recharge and renew?

4. Communication – is often the key to success in our professional lives and this includes communicating to ourselves as well. What are you telling yourself in terms of your wants? What are you doing to focus the best part of your day to making progress towards your dreams? How are you motivating yourself? How are you shutting off distractions ? Do you take support from friends or other networks?

5. Responsibility – intention to do something and taking action to convert the want to a reality are poles apart. How responsible are you in doing everything within your control? What things if you did them would change your life?

*Every time you think or say you are procrastinating, focus on the how to rather than over analyzing and over thinking on what ifs.*
*What acknowledgement can you give yourself today?*
*In what particular ways are you results oriented in your day-to-day actions?*

When The Going Gets Tough

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“I’m stuck.”

“I feel I’m running on a hamster wheel with no scope to get off. “

“I’ve no time to think or look at anything else because I’m always swamped with so many things I’ve to do.”

How often have you felt this way or heard your friends, partners, colleagues say this at various points in your day or their day?

Several of my coaching relationships start at this point.

We all go through this at several points in our life or at specific points in our day.

Is it a regular phenomena or something you feel at specific points in your day or specific periods of time at a stretch?

If you look around you, you’ll realize many people are stressed out or at a breaking point.

What are these stressors ?

Is it with work?

Is it with some transitions that you are going through at work or in life?

Is it with overall life in general in terms of your dreams and priorities?

What is the cause of these stressors? 

Is it fear of being dispensable and losing your job or not being able to advance in your area of talent? Or being forced on account of lack of choices ?

What about your day-to-day stressors? Is it because you are not taking the required break ? Are you facing the fear of missing out, if you are not seemingly present in what you are doing ?

What is the impact of these stressors?

– are you being thoughtful in your responses on email and other forms of communication?

– do you tend to not pay attention to the tasks that you are doing and to the people around you ?

– how often do you play the blame game in these moments ?

– do you feel threatened and sense of fear or a fight or flight mode?

Why does this happen – our brain is complex and research from various neuroscientists are discovering more and more that the parts of the brain work together as a symphony, so as we separate one part out, we have to remember that it doesn’t work in isolation. The prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is the executive center controls our ability to understand, think, decide, analyze, memorize, inhibit and recall.   So the PFC is vital to our daily survival, and yet there are many factors (environmental, hormonal, and genetic ) that can impact how well it works. The activity of the PFC Is also extremely energy-consuming.

If anything internal or external is impacting the functioning of the PFC, the activities relating to the 5 things above become harder and harder. Decisions will be harder to make, you won’t understand things as easily and inhibiting behaviors, or emotions will be harder.

Most of us are used to reading a proposal, at the same trying to understand it, possibly recall something from previous information. The more we add to this mix, the tougher it gets for the PFC to manage.

And one of the biggest drains to the PFC is inhibition, humans have the ability to socially control behaviors and emotions. And we need this to be able to function. These inhibitions could be in the form of not deciding to drink another cup of coffee or  go to dinner with a friend since you have to complete the task at hand.

Social Control is draining to the brain, and that thrown in with the other activities of the PFC fuels the drain. The more drained we become, the less effective we are at being able to understand, think, decide,  question, memorize or recall.

The more the stress/threat to the PFC, the greater the chances of our amygdala (flight or fight response part of our brain ) to take over, thus increasing our emotional response, and reducing our ability to use the PFC in general.

Do we need to take breaks ?

Research participants were nearly twice as likely to give the correct response to a complex decision-making problem if they were distracted by a simple three-minute number-matching task before being asked for their answers, says a team led by Marlène Abadie of the University of Toulouse in France. A more-demanding distraction had no such effect. Extracted from HBR

How do we get away from these breaking points or stressors

1. Self awareness – do you know your limits? How comfortable are you in saying No? Self awareness is your knowledge, moment by moment of what is going on within you, what is your emotional state, and the choice you make at that moment on how to behave.

2. Self Regulation – are you setting your priorities ? Do you schedule your day and prioritize ? Do you tend to react to every phenomenon that comes by your way during the day? Self regulation is having a degree of present moment self-awareness.

3. Self generation – how often do you reflect and renew? Do you question your beliefs and assumptions and ready to challenge them and move on? Self-generation is about creating alignment between moment to moment behavior and action with the desired outcome.

Do you take downtime, no matter how busy a schedule you may have?

Leadership success goes beyond your talents, skills, knowledge and experience. All the talent and skills are of no use if the moment by moment choice in terms of your behavior and action is not mindful.

When the heat is on and the going gets tough, are you on a reactive behavior as a leader or are you one who takes a calm, focused and balanced view? Do you encourage your team and help them refocus, thus building the trust.

The mental fences or shackles is what we set for ourselves. Learn to connect with your inner self and focus on your vision but allow yourself to take breaks.

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Are You Living Your Authenticity?

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Lalita Raman

In this age of information and technology overload, there are many times each of us possibly feel that we are on a hamster wheel, one that we are unable to get off. We try to copy others who we think are a role model of our definition of success. We go to spas, movies and seek various avenues to run away into this so-called fantasy land.

What do we need most at this juncture?

A journey within, to follow the inner voice that has both gentleness and clarity and helps you find who you really are.  We need to be bold and courageous to follow this inner journey, to face who we are, what we are capable of, what we are uncomfortable with and be true and honest to the inner core.

When you go through adversity in your life, your real character is tested. Authenticity is who you are, how you relate to others, discovering your talents, your own energies and passions. Being who you are is when your audio, video and thoughts are all in sync. There is no mask or different strokes for different people.

I believe that authenticity doesn’t come from status, titles, qualifications, or the amount that you have in your bank account but 
authenticity is:

  • 
to Know
  • to Be 

  • to Accept
  • 
to Create

                     Yourself

Keys To Authenticity

1. Self awareness – knowing who you are and being you and finding contentment and fulfillment in that. It also relates to how you relate to others and the way they see you. If you truly know yourself, and project yourself in the same way, others perception of you will be the same as what you know “you” to be.

2. Talents – find out what you are capable of, passionate about, and what appeals to you. Discover your talents and develop them.

3. Lead with your soul – you’ll make an impact on others only if you empower yourself to lead with your soul, your inner voice and accept who you are. Your inner drive is the one that will steer you through doubts, fears and negative energy.

Throughout our life we need to question our beliefs, learnings, see around us and listen to the reality that surrounds us.

There is no point doing yoga or meditation or charity and considering yourself authentic, if you don’t know how to be courteous to your neighbor, your surroundings and respect the living space around you.

Have you asked these questions of yourself ?
1. What would you like to do?
2. When you like what you do, what does that mean to you ?
3. When you don’t have what you like what does that mean to you ?
4. Do you have passion and enthusiasm in doing what you are doing?
5. Do you have the talents and skills to do what you love doing? Are you willing to develop those talents once you have discovered them

10 Leadership Lessons From My Mom

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Today is Mother’s Day and normally I don’t write blog posts on my mother on this day. A mother, I believe is someone who needs to be honored, loved, cared every single day and not just on Mother’s Day. Why did I decide to write a blog post this year?

I was having a chat with a business colleague yesterday and we were discussing leadership, qualities of a leader and people who have inspired each of us. On the topic of inspiration, many have inspired me but none better than my mom and my dad. Since the discussion is fresh in my mind and Mother’s Day is today, I thought, why not translate these thoughts into a blog post.

My mom has never considered herself as a leader and even if you tell her she probably doesn’t understand how she can be a leader.

My mom is in her 70’s and she comes from a conservative background. She got married when she was 19 and she has always been a housewife who always found pleasure in looking after her home, her family and in building a temple of values.

Why do I consider my mom as a leader ?

For the full post refer to the LINK

What Can You Learn About Leadership From Children?

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I was staying with my sister when I was visiting my family last week. One of her neighbors has two girls aged 5 and 7, Rita and Meeta. These two girls are the most adorable children I have ever met. They spend their entire evening at my sister’s house, after she and her husband get back home.  One of the evenings, we were chatting and having fun with the kids when the younger girl, Rita whispers something in her sister, Meeta’s, ear and tells her don’t share. “Keep it a secret, ok promise.” She then looks at me from the corner of her eye with an abashed look. By then, Meeta, however reveals her secret. The secret being that Rita has a friend in school who loves her. Rita looks at us sheepishly and says he keeps saying I love you. But I don’t.  So my sister asks her, so why don’t you tell him what you feel? Oh, but I have only over heard and he hasn’t told me directly. When he tells me directly, I’ll let him know. My sister asks her how would she tell him, and I was surprised with her response. She said, “I love my parents and my sister, and as of now that’s it.”

Mind you, this is a girl who is barely 5 years old.

What lessons of leadership can we learn from children?

  1.  Clarity – Rita was very clear in communicating about her experience, what love meant to her and why this boy’s behavior made her uncomfortable. Even at that age she was crystal clear and did not mince her words.  She was confused and her mind was possibly wrestling with what she should do. She in her childlike innocence revealed her secret to her sister. Leaders often know what is needed but many times get lost in their mental chatter. Often the solution lies in mindfulness and following the heart and not laboring the mind. The time to act is not when you are confused.
  2. Emotional Intelligence – Rita had overheard this remark but she had the EQ not to react to that boy, because that comment was not yet made directly to her. She had the emotional awareness to not react immediately but prepare herself if and when that happens. As leaders, of utmost importance, is striking the right balance between IQ and EQ. Many times the team may consist of people who may not have understood what is required of them or may be preoccupied with some other thoughts. A leader will do well to recognize such situations and not publicly humiliate team members who err or consistently seem preoccupied.  Leaders can navigate through challenging times if they have a high EQ. Being self-aware and empathetic is critical.
  3. Discuss and Ask for Help – Rita was feeling embarrassed to discuss what was troubling her in front of my sister and I, but my gut feel is that she told Meeta realizing that she would tell us. Rita did that because she wanted to discuss and see what we had to tell her. As leaders, you can’t be expected to know everything. If you are not sure of something, ask, discuss and clarify. No one can fly solo all the time. It is better to ask for support rather than make a mistake and lose the trust of your team members.

How many times have you been in awe at the questions that children ask ?

Have the questions that a child asks made you reflect?

What have you learned from observing children?

Children are always curious, they never stop asking questions. They are on a never-ending quest to learn, to share, to try out new things. They follow their heart and lead from within though they may be too young to realize this.

 Don’t we as adults and leaders need to learn a thing or two from children?

 

Does “Employee Engagement” Matter?

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From Marc and Angel

John was with his company for a little over two years. He was one of the senior management reporting directly to the CEO and Chairman. He was very soon expected to take over as CEO and Chairman. However, John was frustrated and has been mulling over leaving the firm to pursue other opportunities.  John had joined this firm with a lot of expectations in terms of the vision he saw for this company. This was the second firm in his 15 year career so far.

Employee engagement has become a key word and an area of focus within organizations more so from the point view of retention. What is employee engagement? Employee engagement is the emotional commitment that a person has to their organization.

What is the Key to Employee Engagement

From Gallup

12 questions for Employee Engagement

1) Do you know what is expected of you at work?
2) Do you have the materials and equipment to do your work right?
3) At work, do you have the opportunity to do what you do best every day?
4) In the last seven days, have you received recognition or praise for doing good work?
5) Does your supervisor, or someone at work, seem to care about you as a person?
6) Is there someone at work who encourages your development?
7) At work, do your opinions seem to count?
8) Does the mission/purpose of your company make you feel your job is important?
9) Are your associates (fellow employees) committed to doing quality work?
10) Do you have a best friend at work?
11) In the last six months, has someone at work talked to you about your progress?
12) In the last year, have you had opportunities to learn and grow?

Key questions to ask to retain good people

Please refer this LINK

In John’s case, he had always surpassed what was expected of him, he was also a strong candidate tipped to become the next CEO and Chairman. But yet he wanted to leave.

The key question here is was he ever asked by the CEO and Chairman How can I, and the company, help you fulfill your career goals and your vision ?

Whenever you have changed organizations ask yourself what is that you lacked the most.  Was it just a promotion and salary hike or one or all of the following

  1. Appreciation – As leaders it is key to deliver the recognition in a manner that the employee is comfortable. Just saying “Hey good job” delivered in a no care attitude hardly does the job. Recognition and appreciation has to be specific (with referral to what was done well and the efforts that they put in) and timely.
  2. You Matter – being appreciated, recognized and made to feel You Matter is a continuous process rather than a onetime event. A true leader realizes that it is important to create and maintain such an environment. It is about them and not about you or your achievements.
  3. Larger goal – engagement is high when what we do is linked to a larger vision or purpose. True meaning is achieved when we can connect to something bigger than us.
  4. Tone – delivery of words of praise has to be meaningful and sincere. Tone in which the message is communicated matters most.
  5. Clarity – you have to be clear and focused in what you liked the most and how it contributed to the overall vision of the company or goal of the project. Sandwiching too many compliments makes the feedback confusing.  The Sandwich Approach also undermines your message.

No one is perfect and we all learn from mistakes. While correcting the employee for their mistake the following should never be done

  1. Public humiliation – none of us like to be embarrassed in front of our team. Even when circumstances warrant you to correct someone amongst a group, the way the message is delivered is important.
  2. Not walking your talk – you need to spend time with your team. You need to deliver on your word. Motivation is badly affected when you as a leader don’t lead by example.
  3. People skills – communication of the goals, developments, changes in management structure is imperative. Employee engagement will be low when you keep your employees second guessing. Many employees learn from media as to what is going on within their company rather than from their managers.

John was recognized for his performance but the communication lines had broken down. The company changed its vision which was never directly communicated to him, the ‘why’ was never answered and ‘what’ he was hired for was forgotten along the way. Bottom line of career management is to align right people to right position, doing the right thing = operational performance + productivity + profit.

Employee engagement is a three-way process and requires responsibility, accountability and ownership from the employer, the employees and the organization.

Useful References

Research on Employee Engagement

Are You A Heart Based Salesperson ?

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Would you like dealing with a person or an organization where your interest is to deal in Equities and they turn a blind eye to your needs and insist on offering you Fixed Income products?

Or let’s say you are looking for a mode of investment for a period of six months without loss of principal and returns no less than 5% p.a. Would you like to be serviced by a sales person who is fixated about selling you something for 12 months?

Does pricey always mean value? The same dynamics of value creation can be extended to a sales role in any industry. In every sale, in every field if you have no real intention of creating value for your customer, then you aren’t selling. In selling and marketing you need to lead with your value and not your rates. You need to make it meaningful in that you create a better outcome for your clients.

There’s no free lunch in this world, thus there is a price for everything you want. Just make sure the price you pay is worth the value you get.

Typically a sales person is greeted with disdain. I know many people who picturize a sales person as a used-car salesmen, someone who is desperate to make a sale, harasses you endlessly, makes promises but rarely delivers and wants to con you into buying something and yet when it comes to after sales service the person is Missing In Action.

The most essential skill that each of us need to have, no matter what we are engaged in, is Selling or Marketing yourself. The one skill that everyone needs and yet no college really teaches is ‘selling’.

You are the CEO of your personal brand and unless you market yourself and develop the soft skills, no one will know about you. No matter what you do or are, you are engaged in selling. Selling your idea, your brand, your service, your product, or various aspects of your business.

I have never understood why people consider someone to be a good sales person if they have managed to make a sale along the lines of “Selling Ice To Eskimos”.  Are you wondering why ?

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Are you ready for a retreat into ‘The Silence’

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“We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.” Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

On Easter Friday, I went with my friend  on a hike with her dog. She mentioned that she wanted to try ‘Vipassana’ a retreat into silence for 10 days. I had heard of similar things that some of my other friends had attended.

My first question to her would I be able to read? Of course I knew that, ‘Vipassana‘ does not allow reading, writing, talking, listening to music or any form of communication.

I heard myself saying being silent is fine as long as I can read. Yeah, I think I can do that for may be three days, but ten full days, I doubt it.

She started sharing similar things that she needs music, or TV or books to read.

My sister puts the TV on as soon as she comes home. The TV is on but she is not watching it and probably barely listening to it. It is almost like background noise in her house.

How many of you know people amongst your friends or family who have the music or TV on though they may not be listening or watching the same.

Why do many of us find this need to be doing something at all times?

Is it to simulate our mind?

Is it to avoid the silence engulfing us? Why did I worry about not being able to read or listen to music when my friend and I were discussing about ‘Vipassana’?

Why did my friend have similar concerns?

Most common responses you are probably going to hear is

  • the silence is deafening
  • I’ve no idea what I’ll do with silence all around me
  • I need to avoid the weird thoughts that come to my mind
  • I need to quieten my mind
  • I’ll feel lonely in complete silence
  • I’ll go insane.

I was worried because I am scared of being silent with no form of communication. I’m silent many times during the day but I’m reading or working or listening to music or writing or thinking or hiking or at the gym or yoga. Although I practice Mindfulness for a short period of time in the day, I can’t imagine myself doing meditation for 10 days and just being with myself and my thoughts. The lack of a stimulant in the form of books, articles to read or music almost feels like a vacuum in the absence of not talking.

Mindfulness and the practice of meditation apparently has been known to strengthen our pre frontal cortex.

I’m piqued but not sure if I am ready to take this journey of ‘Vipassana’ yet. It is a challenge and just because it is a challenge I’m tempted to do it.

I derive a lot of strength in silence during the day and when I am ready to undertake the journey of “Vipassana”, I hope I find peace and strength from that experience.

What are your thoughts?

Have you been on a journey of ‘Silence’ ?

Does Hope Matter At The Face of Destiny?

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How many times have you heard people say , “You Control Your Destiny” and not vice versa.

How do you progress in life?

How do you achieve what you are passionate about ?

How do you translate your vision into action ?

How do you on a day-to-day basis get to where you want to be ?

Each of us have our dreams, our passions, our purpose in life which drives us and makes us come alive ?

Without putting an effort our dreams would never get fulfilled, if we leave everything to destiny.

Yet Destiny plays an imperative role in our journey of life, one we can’t change.

Do I believe in destiny?

Recent events in my life have convinced me that we can’t change our destiny. Two of my close family members are facing destiny, as I type this.

My Father in law is battling with his life for the past two months in the ICU and my mother’s health seems to be on a continuous downtrend.  Doctors and family members are doing everything they can. Prayers, medications, enquiries with various experts continue but yet I and others in our family feel helpless.  It feels that Destiny is shaping their life and we are watching helplessly.

Destiny after all controls when we die, and no matter what, none of us can control it. Yes we can control how we live but if we are destined to die in a particular way there is no changing that.  When you go through such events in your life it makes you wonder do we have control over what finally dictates our fate?

My mom has always been very careful with the way she has lived her life. She has always been kind, thankful, and helpful. Though she came from a conservative family, she has always been bold and empowered herself in her journey of life. She has always been meticulous, disciplined and a human being from whom I have learnt a lot. Yet where she stands today, she suffers at the hands of destiny.

I often question as to why her ? Doesn’t the balance sheet of her life need to tally in that when all she has done is good, why make her suffer?

Old age has its own share of miseries some of which may be caused by the way we have lived our younger years and yet others beyond our control.  You may say why worry about things beyond your control. Yes, but when you see your mom suffer and you aren’t able to do anything, you feel helpless and defeated.

Have I given up hope? No, hope is what is taking me through from day-to-day. My mind is restless and the flight from Hope to hope through each moment is what carries me through.  Hope is the power of being cheerful in circumstances which we know to be desperate. –G.K. Chesterton

Extreme hopes are born of extreme misery. –Bertrand Russell

I can only pray for miracles at this stage. I pray that their suffering reduces. I am pained to see my Dad’s pain. He is the best optimist I have always known and yet there are times of despair in his eyes.

My mother in law is a woman of tremendous strength and yet she feels helpless and hopeless that she is not able to do much in being able to reduce the pain and suffering her husband is going through.

Each of our strength and character has been tested in the past several months.

What have I learnt and still learning?   To believe in destiny but yet not give up hope. I have reiterated to myself to be realistic but be positive and be gratuitous to what I have amongst suffering and despair. It is moments of positivity that carries me through. I remind myself to treat life well rather than get hung up on people’s attitudes, ego and arrogance. I consciously avoid the naysayers, the arrogant and egoistic people because they don’t matter. You know your true friends in your life’s challenges. I am learning to value each moment through mindfulness, rather than worry about how tomorrow is going to be.  I don’t want to lose each moment that has been gifted to me with my loved ones.

I don’t want to give up, so God help me.

 

 

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Have You Befriended “The Gremlin”

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Belonging starts with self-acceptance … Believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic. – Brene Brown, research professor in social work

Who do you give more airtime to; your “Inner Champion” or your “Inner Critic”

A client of mine, let’s call her Jane had this struggle with her inner village. A pompous voice that always kept telling her that she will fail miserably when speaking in front of crowds.

If you look at Jane, she is an individual who exudes confidence in whatever she does in her other aspects of life. She has ventured out into many challenges in her work and personal life. However, in whatever she does she feels she is an underachiever and she can do better. She expects herself to always do better.

As far as public speaking was concerned, her inner critic dominated her and controlled her actions to her detriment.

As we engage with the world, many times we internalize the voices of our significant others, voices that encourage, voices that criticize, empowering voices, supportive voices, cautious voices, loving voices. And there is our voice of our own inner village that encourages and champions us in our endeavors and other times criticizes us and undermines our potential. The voice of the inner critique is one that loves to break us, stroke us and doubt ourselves. She falsifies your ego by justifying why you don’t want to do something.

When I asked Jane how long she has dealt with her critical inner village, she said “12 years.” And she was giving attention to it for 12 years.

She mentioned that her inner village always liked to bully her, tease her, remind her of all things that could go wrong if she had to speak in front of a crowd, how bad she was when she spoke, how her body language, facial expressions, and the way she spoke was improper. This inner village was almost always with her and spoke to her loud to discourage her. When she was dominated by her inner critic, if she happened to hear anything from her personal relationships, she found herself further vulnerable and in a flight or fight mode, though she never displayed it.

She came to me at a time when she realized that a strategy of trying to shut herself from this voice of the inner critic didn’t work. She realized that the situation was becoming worse. She couldn’t run away from herself. She had to face her inner demons, deal with them and overcome them.

So how does one recognize their inner critic, accept it, learn to deal with it and move on with life without this demon stopping you from living your life.

Questions you need to ask yourself – READ ON... FOR FULL POST PLEASE CLICK LINK

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