Archives for May 2015

The “Why” of Questions

20 May 2015 By Lalita Raman Leave a Comment

Last week, when I was delivering a workshop on Building Your Executive Presence, one of the participants mentioned that her challenge was to answer questions at the end of a meeting or presentation. Questions often increase the pressure on the speaker in a presentation or during a meeting or interview.

However, asking questions shows enthusiasm on part of the listener. Asking questions enables the listener to seek more information, raise issues that you may not have thought of or makes you think of a different perspective. By asking relevant questions you enable a discussion perhaps to set the path to change the final decision.

Questions, if asked properly, with the right tone clarifies, digs deeper, elevates, adjoins and a person who is being asked questions should be happy about it unless they aren’t well prepared or want to avoid giving the answer or know the answer but aren’t in a position to disclose.

Proper questioning is becoming a lost skill or art.

If you have children and /or observe children, you will notice that they ask a lot of questions. They get to their end goal by asking their parents an incessant stream of questions like, Why do you do that? Or Why are you telling me not to do that ? Where are you going? Children, irrespective of culture or which country they come from, ask a lot of questions. However, when we become adults, there seems to be a sudden drop in questions.

→Why don’t adults ask questions?←

I have often heard the argument that children don’t understand many things and thus ask questions and as adults, we understand better and thus there is no necessity to ask so many questions.

I am not sure whether this argument holds any weight because we never stop learning and growing. We live in a world with attention spans getting shorter by the day. As a result, we are in a “get it done” mode instead of stepping back and asking “relevant” questions.

Our education system and the work environment rewards those who give solutions or answers. You are rarely rewarded for asking questions. By asking questions within your department or organization, you may be misunderstood as someone who is trying to rock the boat and also be considered a threat.

→Why the aversion to asking questions or being asked relevant questions?←

Is it fear or is it an indifference ?

As a leader, you want to be asking questions and you want to encourage those around you to ask relevant questions. You should know what kind of questions to ask, to arrive at better insights and decision-making.

#Questions are a great way to #engage your audience. #communication #EI #peopleskills

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The type of questions you ask depends on what you are trying to get at. Are you trying to seek more information, clarify a doubt that you have, challenge a different way of thinking?

Uses for Questions

1. Clarify

Ask questions to clarify intent or understand what has been said. These questions are great because if you ask the right clarification questions, you understand your audience better. These questions are simple, yet we may hesitate to ask because we tend to make assumptions and are worried about what others may think, if we ask questions.

2. Exploratory

How so? These are questions that helps you to get an explanation on a particular topic. They help you to explore further. These exploratory questions helps you to deepen your understanding on a particular topic.

3. Leading questions

You use leading questions when you try to lead the audience to your way of thinking. You can use them when you want to get the answer you want and leave the other person feeling that they have had a choice in closing a deal or sale. e.g. If that answers all your questions, shall we agree on the price ?

Leading questions should be used carefully because they could be seen as manipulative.

4. Elevating questions

These are questions that helps you to move from stuck to unstuck. These questions allow you to step back and look at the big picture and see the connections between various issues.

5. Funnel questions

This involves starting with general questions, and then zero in on a point in each answer, and asking more and more details at each level. This allows you to get deeper into a specific point. e.g.How many people attended the sales meeting? 10

From the 10, were all the seniors present from each department ?Yes

Did they agree to the proposal ? No, not all of them.

Did all of them disagree on the same issue? Yes

Was that on the duration of the project? Yes

These are some types of key questions and their uses.

#Leaders, by asking #questions, can persuade, encourage, #manage and #coach.

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People learn by asking instead of telling. Leaders can motivate people by asking the right questions to help them get to “where they would like to be” in terms of their goal, from “where they are”.

People participate in the world they create & a #leader can help them by asking #questions.

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A LEADER

Listens and Learns from others
Energizes their team and their organization
Actions positivity
Develops themselves and others
Empowers others to lead
Recognizes and Rewards achievement

And all of this is possible not by telling or commanding but by asking the right questions. Your body language and tone of voice also plays a part in the answers you get when you ask questions.

⇒What questions are you asking yourself to be on the path of learning and development?

⇒How are you using questions to be effective?

For speaking, one-on-one coaching, workshops on communication or leadership development, let’s connect.

7 Better Ways To Prepare For “The First Time Experiences”

14 May 2015 By Lalita Raman Leave a Comment

This weekend, after finishing my workout, I was lost in my thoughts and reflections and I walked out of the gym little realizing, that I had forgotten my workout clothes at the gym. I go to the gym and yoga daily and this was the first time I had forgotten my gym gear. I was bothered on two counts, 1) how could I forget, when I had not forgotten to date and 2) I had picked up a new workout gear and that was the first day I had tried it out and thus didn’t want to lose it. I must have in my mind played several times about how could I forget?

I had to break out of this guilt feeling and from my inner critique trying to put me down. I decided to take a step back and asked myself what is the worst that could happen ?

In the process of stepping out of my critical self, I realized there is a first time for everything – exciting things and experiences that you learn lessons from.

There is a First time:

In our new job
To fall in love
To dance
To cook
To be a boss
To be a speaker
To lose our phone
To forget an important birthday and the list continues

My first time to forget something in the gym is part of this list as well.

The first time for everything is filled with various emotions of excitement, fear, disappointment, self-criticism, hope.

Your fear possibly comes from the fear of loss, or failure or doing something wrong and thinking about what impression you would make on somebody in that first time. The stress caused by over thinking and over analyzing the situation is not worth it. It is like adding fuel to the fire. [Tweet “#Worrying about the situation is not going to help you achieve the desired outcome of the situation. #fear]

What are some of the steps you can take ?

1. Stop worrying

You are not going to do something better because you worry and stress about it. Anxiety to some extent is good because it will help you do better. However, over stress and nervousness is not an impetus to better your performance. I was worrying about forgetting something and possibly losing it. The stress that I put myself through is not going to help me bring back the thing nor stop me from forgetting something else next time.

2. Perfection or build towards excellence

When we are engaged in doing something for the first time, we want to attain perfection. However, perfection is a myth that is in our own minds.

I was delivering a workshop on Executive Presence last week and I heard from one of the participants as to how stressed she was because she was making a presentation for the first time in front of a senior group of executives within her firm. A conversation with her revealed that the stress that she put herself through to be perfect didn’t help her and in fact the audience members were not in any way assessing her or being demanding. She had let herself imagine about situations which didn’t exist.

We can strive towards #excellence and seek to improve each time. #leadership #leadbyexample #trust

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We learn from our mistakes and be it driving for the first time or making a presentation, stressing about perfection is not going to make us deliver the results we seek.

3. Focus

We make first impressions of others within the first 5-10 seconds of noticing someone. No matter what you do, first impression is already formed. If you focus on what others are going to think of you, your focus will be diverted from what you want to deliver and the end result may be something far from your expectation and in turn may also give adequate ammunition for others to form a bad impression on you.

Stop thinking of what others will think of you.

#Focus on what you need to do. #Believe in yourself. #mindset #attitude

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4.Do first things often because it allows you to challenge yourself

We get into cruise control and in our comfort zone. If you stay too long within your comfort zone, you get complacent and deny yourself the ability to grow and move towards excellence. Try new things often so that you don’t forget what it is to feel uncomfortable, and in that process to learn, challenge yourself, grow and build your Executive Presence.

5.Plan and prepare

Plan and prepare whether you are doing something for the first time or not.

#Prepare yourself for “the what” and trust yourself to deal with “the how”. #leadership #life

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Planning and preparation is essential and don’t make the mistake of over doing it, because that may not allow you to be present in the moment to deal with what happens then.

6. Reflect and learn

Reflecting on what went well, what did I learn, what could I have done different helps me to move forward. When things don’t go as per your expectation, you may tend to focus on what you did wrong and on the negatives. I blamed myself for having forgotten my gym gear, and that negativity didn’t help me to focus on things that followed after I left the gym. When I focused on what I learnt from that experience, my mindset changed and I was able to focus on the tasks that I was doing thereafter.

7.Let go

By letting go you give yourself permission to be in the moment and to #focus on things that need your attention. #mindfulness #life #leadership.

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One of my yoga instructors in her class mentions and I quote “your body can take on this challenge and do it, your mind believes you can’t do. Focus on your breathing and believe you can do it”. When I go with the flow, and not allow my mind to wander, I am able to achieve what needs to be done and this is true in yoga, work and life.

When we fear about what the end may look like be it on a new job, new task, presentation, forgetting something we lose focus on the now. Focus on the journey and not the end, to deliver the results you want.

By allowing our mind to control us, we constantly live in conjectures. Letting go is difficult and yet when done achieves results you seek.

I got my gym gear back and I learnt that worry was unnecessary and that I need to let go more often. I also learnt that I do know how to let go though my mind may make me believe that it is not easy.

Life is an unknown path and we tend to underestimate her. Certainty is good and life is not a certain path, so one way to enjoy life is to go with the flow and let yourself be. Every day is a different day and life is not a mathematics formula.

How do you deal with doing things the first time?

What have you learnt from your first time experiences?

To build your executive presence, leadership and sales skills, please Connect with me for coaching, speaking or workshops.

Do you feel your energy is sapped and your enthusiasm is diving down? Buy your copy of Energize Your Leadership Today and reconnect with yourself through the 16 real stories in this book which I have co-authored with 15 others around the globe.

9 Certain Ways To Deal With Difficult Conversations

8 May 2015 By Lalita Raman Leave a Comment

“I get tense and don’t look forward to the conversation I am going to have with my boss. She doesn’t seem to listen and I feel my tongue is tied and I leave the conversation or meeting with a lot of pent-up feelings and emotions.” This was one of my clients expressing her frustration in managing conversations with her boss.

Have you been in situations where you need to tell somebody something and yet don’t wish to spoil the relationship? Difficult conversations are not something most of us look forward to and yet they are part of our life.

I was in the midst of a difficult conversation with a colleague of mine, two weeks back. The first conversation didn’t go too well, with him doing all the talking and telling. I was cautious and at the end of the conversation realized that I had not expressed myself in the way I wanted to.

I had let my emotions take the better of me and did not permit my rational brain to have a clear, concise and assertive conversation. After the meeting, I asked myself several questions and I practiced on myself the same questions I ask of my clients whilst coaching them.

Tips To Deal With Difficult Conversations

1. Be present

This is crucial and I started off with this point because this is what helped me in my follow-up conversation with my colleague. Being present is essential to listen, to observe, to ask questions and be emotionally connected. It is easy to be lost in your own thoughts and rushing to say what you have to say especially if your brain is telling you to do it and you could not express yourself in your first conversation or past conversations with this person. I had listened to my colleague and yet I guess there was something in me that was not present and maybe I was so lost in my thoughts that I did not express myself or ask the right questions and allowed my judgment to color my thoughts.

We make observations and impressions about people and sometimes these become assertions. And we turn these assertions into facts. We may have formed an opinion about a person based on our past experience and we tend to make that as an assertion and convince ourselves that they are whom we assert them to be.

My colleague was doing this in our first conversation and instead of empathetically listening to him, I let my emotions take the better of me. Being present means to listen in mind-body and soul and adapt to the conversation that is happening between you and the other person instead of what is happening within your head. Cut out all forms of distraction and give your undivided attention.

2. Deal with emotions

We are emotional beings and some conversations trigger emotions in us and the other party. This is one of the most important reasons, why we don’t like to engage in difficult conversations. The way to deal with emotions, either in yourself or in the other person, is to name them: ‘I see you’re mad about that’ or ‘I feel sad about what happened’. When you call out emotions like that, you acknowledge it and facilitate an environment to talk about them. This is way better than getting lost in the destruction of the wave of emotion. To cool down your own emotion and not allow that to hijack the conversation, you may want to drink water or take a break in a manner that is most appropriate to that situation.

3.Think before you speak

Being aware about ours and others emotions not only helps us to recognise the emotions but also think before we speak. Think about why we think the way we think. This helps in situations where you may not be prepared or where you are prepared and the conversation may not be going along the path you expected. Asking the right questions also helps you to think and get more data to support your point of view.

4.Avoid words like But and However

Many conversations in our daily life starts with I appreciate your point of view ‘BUT’. I used to do this too and now I have become aware and consciously avoid using them even in daily conversations that may not be difficult. Words like ‘But’ and ‘However’, nullify what has been expressed before. Use ‘And’ instead. By using ‘ And’, you recognize that there could be another point of view and perspective. When you use ‘And’, you are indicating an inclusive stance, instead of using words which express that you are the only one that’s right.

5.Remind yourself of the ‘Why’

Setting yourself an intention before going into any conversation helps and if somebody catches you unawares, then during the conversation think of the Why.

What is your #intention and why are you choosing to say what you say or not say? #leadfromwithin

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6.Respect

How you say, what you say is equally important.

The #words you choose and the #tone you use are equally important #communication #EI

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The nicest words will not land well if your tone and body language does not indicate the genuineness of what you are saying.

7.Clarify

We may be interpreting something based on our bias and the fact is we are all biased. We don’t need to run away with our bias to make interpretations which may exemplify the conflict. Clarify and ask questions. Clarify by paraphrasing and this allows you to check your understanding and show the person that you are listening.

8.Follow-Up

To ignore is easy. We are human and like to be paid importance to. Check-in with the person the day after or within a reasonable period of time. And if you felt that a proper closure did not happen in your last conversation, do it again if necessary.

9.Trust Your Gut

Your instinct and intuition is your best guide and go by it, If you feel you need to have another conversation, call on the person and say, “I feel we didn’t end on a good note” or “I feel I didn’t get a chance to express my point of view”. “Would you be open to sparing a few minutes, so that I can explain it better”?

My follow-up conversation with my colleague was smoother and both of us expressed what we had to say and we are still communicating and our relationship has got better for sure.

Our brain’s main function is to keep us alive and the one overriding basic principle of the brain’s operation is that all brains are constantly on the lookout for threat – and will continuously move ‘away’ from anything perceived as a threat and ‘toward’ anything perceived as a reward. This is our basic survival mechanism. Manage your brain and don’t cut yourself short by dreading difficult conversations.

The above are some tips. How do YOU deal with ‘Difficult Conversations’?

I work with clients to enhance their communication, self-confidence and in turn their executive presence. If you want to learn more please feel to connect with me.

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Archives for May 2015