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Archives for February 2013

Have You Befriended “The Gremlin”

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Belonging starts with self-acceptance … Believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic. – Brene Brown, research professor in social work

Who do you give more airtime to; your “Inner Champion” or your “Inner Critic”

A client of mine, let’s call her Jane had this struggle with her inner village. A pompous voice that always kept telling her that she will fail miserably when speaking in front of crowds.

If you look at Jane, she is an individual who exudes confidence in whatever she does in her other aspects of life. She has ventured out into many challenges in her work and personal life. However, in whatever she does she feels she is an underachiever and she can do better. She expects herself to always do better.

As far as public speaking was concerned, her inner critic dominated her and controlled her actions to her detriment.

As we engage with the world, many times we internalize the voices of our significant others, voices that encourage, voices that criticize, empowering voices, supportive voices, cautious voices, loving voices. And there is our voice of our own inner village that encourages and champions us in our endeavors and other times criticizes us and undermines our potential. The voice of the inner critique is one that loves to break us, stroke us and doubt ourselves. She falsifies your ego by justifying why you don’t want to do something.

When I asked Jane how long she has dealt with her critical inner village, she said “12 years.” And she was giving attention to it for 12 years.

She mentioned that her inner village always liked to bully her, tease her, remind her of all things that could go wrong if she had to speak in front of a crowd, how bad she was when she spoke, how her body language, facial expressions, and the way she spoke was improper. This inner village was almost always with her and spoke to her loud to discourage her. When she was dominated by her inner critic, if she happened to hear anything from her personal relationships, she found herself further vulnerable and in a flight or fight mode, though she never displayed it.

She came to me at a time when she realized that a strategy of trying to shut herself from this voice of the inner critic didn’t work. She realized that the situation was becoming worse. She couldn’t run away from herself. She had to face her inner demons, deal with them and overcome them.

So how does one recognize their inner critic, accept it, learn to deal with it and move on with life without this demon stopping you from living your life.

Questions you need to ask yourself – READ ON... FOR FULL POST PLEASE CLICK LINK

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Top 5 Secrets To Make Resolutions Happen

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Albert Einstein said, “The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It can’t be changed without changing our thought.”

At the beginning of each new year, many of us make resolutions. These resolutions may be to eat healthy, exercise more, sleep early, practice mindfulness, be more patient, stop multitasking, etc.  Most of these resolutions are goals we set ourselves for self-improvement. We need a constant mindset to improve daily.

What is common in all the above cases ? It is a Resolve.  A resolve to

  • Do better
  • Be better
  • Change for the better
  • Speak up against injustice and oppression.
  • Recognize our inner critique and not allow it to be our bully.
  • Listen to our inner voice every time we waiver from being a human.

 There is a fixity of purpose, and unless we have this resolve and take a step ahead by committing to this choice, change will not happen.

I like to think a resolve adds meaning to random thoughts, procrastination to change and forces us to commit to the change. It is something we set our mind to and goes beyond a random wish. It is an enthusiasm, a passion to explore and turn into better realities rather than come mid year when we realize that we have forgotten about the new year resolutions.

How does one stick to one’s Resolve? Effective management of any change requires managing five key goals which is well explained by the ADKAR model.

1. Awareness:  to change a habit or a behavior or a situation, you have to want to change.

For that it is important to ask:

How do you view the current state?

How do you perceive the habit or the behavior or the current situation?

Contestability of the reasons for change?

WHY is it important to change?

2. Desire to want to change. A desire to participate and support the change. What are your intrinsic motivators unique to you to allow for change

3. Knowledge of how to change and what the change looks like. If I want to lose weight, I need to know how to go about losing weight and what will the process will look like. Important considerations here are your current knowledge base on the area you want to make the change in, capability to gain additional knowledge, what are the resources available and can you gain access to all or most of the relevant resources.

Let’s take the case of a woman facing domestic violence. She has got through step 1 and 2, the A and D, then she needs to ask herself what is her current knowledge on how she is going to stop being a victim of domestic violence, what resources is readily available to her that she already knows of, how is she going to gain additional knowledge of the sources of information to help her out of this situation – may be help line nos., the steps she needs to take to ensure her own safety and finally how easily accessible is each of these resources

4. Ability – do I have the ability to change. What if any are the psychological blocks (what in your own mindset that will work against you), physical and intellectual capability where relevant, and the time you are willing to devote to make that resolve happen. If your resolve is to get over your fear of public speaking, you need to evaluate your mental blocks, befriend your inner critic, time you are willing to devote to practice and get over the fear, the willingness to get a help from a coach who can assist you in making that resolve happen

5. Reinforcement – sustainable change rather than for a short time. The degree to which the change is meaningful (I’m making a difference), the absence of negative consequences, the ability to overcome hurdles along the journey and an accountability mechanism that creates an ongoing mechanism to reinforce the changes. The mindset above all to keep the change in place despite humps and setbacks along the way.

In an organizational context it is important for the managers and the leaders to recognize that all have talents, skills, and abilities. Question to ask in the process of any change is how do you apply the talents, abilities and resources you have. It is important to engage the team in a cause bigger than themselves, something they feel passionate about and one that makes them come alive. A true leader knows this, understand this and is able to provide this in an organization.

In any personal change, to commit to change ask yourself what is the trigger? Is it an adversity or a reward? What value are you creating for yourself and the people around you by resolving to change? In any change it is important to be aware of the value in it before you can make the change. Only then can you engage in the resolve with your heart, your brain and your guts.

The world is full of thinkers, dreamers and talkers. You can make a difference by making things happen because you believe you can.

What are your psychological blocks?

What are your reinforcements?

What are your triggers

Are you committed to change?

 “If you really desire something, the whole universe will conspire to help you.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist. I would add if you desire something and commit to that desire nothing can stop you. You will make The Resolve happen.

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“Be My Valentine – 1 Billion Rising”

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As I’m writing this in the wee hours of the morning, before the crack of dawn, Valentine’s Day is slowly but surely rolling out.

The Valentine Day fever or retail mania has started off a week to 10 days back even in the non Western world. From India, Pakistan, Hong Kong, China and various nook and corners of Asia, it is almost impossible to miss the fervor of this special day.

What is Valentine’s Day ? I won’t bore you with details but for the curios mind, you can check the link.

The significance from what I have read and understood is that it marks the Feast day of Saint Valentine; the celebration of Love and affection.

In my view, love and affection can be to your mother, wife, girl friend, boy friend, spouse, friend, brother, sister, father, child or for that matter to any human being.

I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day because the true meaning has been lost over the years in the way it is commercialized and has in my view become one of the biggest money-making business. One loses their peace of mind with advance restaurant bookings, retailers wooing you with the Valentine’s Day clichés, set menus in restaurants with no choice left to you to choose what you desire to eat.

On this Valentine’s Day and going forward ask yourself 

  • Is this all that Love and Affection is about ?
  • Are you further victimizing a woman who has already been sexually assaulted by your attitude and lewd comments ?
  • Do you find power in degrading a woman mentally and physically ?
  • Are you not ostracizing woman when you make statements to the effect that woman walk in perpetual consent when they dress the way they want?
  • Are you not being an oppressor watching a rape or sexual assault silently ?
  • Are you not contributing to violence against woman when you watch TV shows and movies that show woman as a commodity ?
  • Are you not being a sexist when you engage in verbal sexual assaults or silently watch the same against a woman ?
  • Are you not bringing disdain to love and affection when you decide to abort a child when you determine the sex of the child is female ?
  • Are you not aiding and abetting with the oppressors when you don’t raise your voice against Female Genital Mutation, sexual abuse or harassment or female feticide or any other form of violence against women. 
  • For anyone who thinks women should ignore online harassment, and not react, would you do so?  Would you ignore it if you are abused, and threatened on-line ?
  • Why do you as society victimize a female and view her with a cacophony of distrust ?
  • Are you treating the woman in your life with love, affection, respect and care? 
  • Are you being human while dealing with a woman ?

Key Highlights from onebillionrising.org. Watch the Video  http://t.co/uK97Qnko.

“ONE IN THREE WOMEN ON THE PLANET WILL BE RAPED OR BEATEN IN HER LIFETIME.

ONE BILLION WOMEN VIOLATED IS AN ATROCITY

ONE BILLION WOMEN DANCING IS A REVOLUTION

On V-Day’s 15th Anniversary, 14 February 2013, we are inviting ONE BILLION women and those who love them to WALK OUT, DANCE, RISE UP, and DEMAND an end to this violence. ONE BILLION RISING will move the earth, activating women and men across every country. V-Day wants the world to see our collective strength, our numbers, our solidarity across borders.

What does ONE BILLION look like? On 14 February 2013, it will look like a REVOLUTION.

ONE BILLION RISING IS:

A global strike

An invitation to dance

A call to men and women to refuse to participate in the status quo until rape and rape culture ends

An act of solidarity, demonstrating to women the commonality of their struggles and their power in numbers

A refusal to accept violence against women and girls as a given

A new time and a new way of being.”

Change starts with you, with your family. If you change your mindsets and attitudes, and every member of your family did the same, this world will no longer have woman who are treated as a Sexual Commodity to be harassed, tortured, raped, humiliated or killed. 

Start now, start today. Speak up, spread the good word of Be A Human and a Woman is Human. Raise your voice as a human being and bring Violence Against Women to an END. 

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Titles Don’t Matter-10 Keys To “Good For Soul”

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“The simple act of paying positive attention to people has a great deal to do with productivity” Tom Peters

Have you met Jerry ?

1. I’m always right. I don’t care what it takes or how much work it is. This is the way I see it and no matter what, make it happen in the next hour.Have you met Jerry?

2. Your behavior at or outside work or in Social media is one of “A Narcissist”.

3. You think you know it all and never have an open mind to learn.

4. You’ve decided with senior management that your team targets are going to increase by 30% and promised to over deliver. You have not bothered to consult your team?

5. You think you never make mistakes and don’t ever bother asking others how are you?

6. You are good at striking conversations with strangers but every relationship is one to hook, use and trash.

7. You are convinced that you are the most intellectual and anyone who challenges your line of thinking is made to shut up. You alienate whoever questions you.

8. You think you are reminding people of their accountability and responsibility when all you do is to humiliate them with your sarcasm.

9. You are part of the system and you have never made any effort to be different or change and yet you criticize all, day in day out.

10. You think you are unique and God’s gift to the Universe, though all you are is a jerk. You think none of the above applies to you.

How many of you have had this individual either at your work place or among your acquaintances? 

How many times do people in influential positions misuse the same by bullying and belittling either their team and their social circle ? 

How many people just because of the position they are in think they can demand respect ? 

Whilst there is nothing wrong in being direct and honest, by no means the delivery of the statements or the tone in which it is delivered needs to be rude or sarcastic. People skills is one about being able to connect, engage and treat others with respect and empathy.

What are the keys to People Skills?

1. Be a friend before expecting others to be friendly

2. That either we control our attitude or it controls us. Choose the right one

3. We are a result of our choices and we need to deal with the choices we have made. Negativity and emotional trauma arises when we get into the blaming game for all our misfortunes

4. We do get angry, recognize it, overcome it and do not use anger to be cruel

5. We need to value ourselves and should not allow ourselves to be trampled on. But valuing yourself doesn’t mean insulting others

6. Each of us have our own strengths and we should build and use them to lead with integrity, trust and character

7. Each of us have our own weaknesses and we should marginalize our limitations to move forward

8. That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel

9. We are human and love to be acknowledged, encouraged and appreciated. Being an introvert or shy is no excuse for not telling someone ‘You Matter’

10. None of us are perfect and can teach and learn something each day

Each of us have our purpose. Just because you are the boss, you have no right to stomp on others feelings and values. As far as people like Jerry are concerned one can attempt to unlock the barriers of communication that may exist or be a friend to listen.

Titles don’t determine your value. In the end, you need to remember just because you think you are successful, you have no right to put out someone else’s light and efforts.

Life is a journey of roller coasters and challenges you to be the best YOU can be. Each challenge, be it big or small, is an opportunity for you to make the choice to shift your perspective and view it through the eyes of positivity and hope.

Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live as well as think. Ralph Waldo Emerson 

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Is “MOTIVATION” a Scam ?

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Who Is Awesome ?YOU ARE

Who’s Awesome ?
YOU ARE
PHOTO : LALITA RAMAN

 

One of my friends takes every chance to state on Twitter, in his daily conversations and probably in his own thoughts that, “Motivation Is A Scam.”

You have had a tough day at work, you come home hoping to unwind and relax. However, your daughter who was slightly unwell develops high fever and you end up spending the entire night at the hospital. You have to go to work the next day since you are trying to finalize on some important deals and meet some deadlines. You are not in the best framework but still manage to get through your deadlines when half way through the day you are told you miss the deal. What drives you up the wall is that the reason you lost the deal was absolutely silly. You are at your lowest and your state of mind is such that it is reeling in negative thoughts. You have been through a series of such bad patches and you force yourself to get out of this negative vicious circle.

You know what it is like continuing to be there and you think back to your WHY and what you believe in ? What does this sound like, to you ?

“Motivation is the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal and elicits, controls, and sustains certain goal directed behaviors. It can be considered a driving force; a psychological drive that compels or reinforces an action toward a desired goal. For example, hunger is a =motivation that elicits a desire to eat. Motivation has been shown to have roots in physiological, behavioral, cognitive, and social areas.”

More often than not motivation is telling yourself that a greater reward is awaiting if you continue to believe in your “Why”. Most of us believe that our feelings cause our behavior. However, research indicates that feelings often follow our behavioral choices which follows our thoughts. So if we choose to get out of negative thoughts we can control our behavior too. For all this to happen there needs to be a reason for each of us to do so and this reason is Motivation. Not surprising that one of the most popular themes on the Internet is on personal development and growth. However, the tips and articles can only be inspiring and useful if you decide to change and have the inclination to do so.

Motivation will remain a scam if the burning desire to change or do something meaningful is lacking within you.

We can control our behaviors by controlling the words we speak to ourselves and thoughts that we engage in. I find that if I use words and thoughts that engage, challenge, encourage and empower, I am able to move forward. Non-stop exposure to negativity by way of words, thoughts or company we are in disrupts our memory, attention, and judgment. When we speak to ourselves and others, words that express confidence, faith, and hope without sacrificing the truth helps to inspire others and yourself. Try it.

When does motivation become a scam?

  • If you start to sell trash in the name of inspiring others.
  • If you don’t live your words
  • If you aren’t engaging with people in real discussions
  • If you think you know it all and stop listening to others
  • If you aren’t helping someone who is struggling with being stuck in a negative vicious circle.

Life is about living and each of us go through our share of struggles in life. Our inner self has to be the biggest motivator and in moments when we struggle we take aid from friends, family and true inspiring stories. My biggest motivation and learning is from real life stories and how some people despite all odds get what they aimed for. An example in the attached you tube.

Coming back to this friend of mine, despite his continued belief, he is doing an inspiring and motivational show !

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. 
Norman Vincent Peale 

 

 

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