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Don’t Promote “The Bully” in You Or Others

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Last week, I participated in the people skills chat hosted by @KateNasser, and the topic was “Stop Bullying.”

No doubt that bullying is bad, it is violent and the consequences are disastrous. However, where does bullying start from? How does bullying start?

There are numerous articles on the Internet talking about the effects of bullying and what to do, to stop bullying. While it is important to raise awareness and take measures to stop bullying, the intricate complexity of the factors leading to someone being a bully is less discussed.

To prevent #bullying is as important as to stop bullying. #stopbullying #vaw #speakup #peopleskills

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To prevent #bullying, we needs to address its #causes. #stopbullying #vaw #peopleskills

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I came across an article in psych central on How A Bully Is Made and I quote an extract “Every bully does not have the same psychological profile. But understanding the possible factors behind the behavior can help us turn the tide against a deeply entrenched problem.”

It’s impossible to predict who will become a bully and who won’t, but researchers have found some patterns in the types of families. North Dakota State University professor Laura DeHaan sums up the findings as follows:

“Bullies tend to come from families that are characterized as having little warmth or affection. These families also report trouble sharing their feelings and usually rate themselves as feeling less close to each other. Parent of bullies also tend to use inconsistent discipline and little monitoring of where their children are throughout the day. Sometimes parents of bullies have very punitive and rigid discipline styles, with physical punishment being very common. Bullies also report less feelings of closeness to their siblings.”

What can each of us do, to prevent the future bullies?

1. Check your own behavior

How do you come home after a frustrating day ? What is the language you use at home with your partner and friends? How do you manage your emotions?
You are the role model for your children. What kind of role model are you?
Upbringing forms the foundation of who we are and the paths we choose.

2. Stop promoting wrong behavior

Call on wrong behavior and address it with love and support to correct it. Don’t encourage conversations on violence, cheap sexual talk and jokes. Don’t promote watching movies or any other form of entertainment that has forms of bullying or violence.

3. Discourage talks of bullying and promoting such behavior in the groups that they are in

With Social media, bullying and trolling happens very often by people who take false identities. Speak up and report them and if you find people in your group talking nonsense about females or any talk that indicates that it is a form of bullying, stop it then and there.

Best way to #stopbullying or any form of violence is to stop it at its root. #vaw #peopleskills

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Casual jokes, and cheap slap stick comedy is part of many people’s daily conversation or part of the dialogue in the social groups that they are in. If you are a silent spectator, then you are perpetrating behaviors that could affect the actions that result later. Have the courage to call on such talk and behavior in an appropriate manner.

4. Media

I don’t see any movie or so-called form of entertainment that has violence, sexual abuse, bullying, unless and until the movie or documentary has a positive message at the end of it and actively promotes stopping these ill behaviors.

Cheap entertainment sells because you are an audience to it. Every form of media has an impact on the audience and there are elements of every society, irrespective of country, that choose to follow these questionable behaviors because they think it is a fad.

5. Support

If you find your friend who is a parent or who is in a house with children, whose behavior you think is of concern, approach that person directly or through one of their trusted mates. In a supportive way encourage them to talk about themselves and listen. Determine how you can help or guide them.

6. Prevent Workplace Bullying

Stop rumors and don’t engage in spreading wrong news and gaining the attention of the crowd by adopting behaviors that put down people, or assassinate someone’s character. Do not play the “bystander role”. You make sure that you support the person who is going through this.

Prevention can only take place when a culture is built around stopping sexual harassment and other forms of verbal, physical and mental bullying. The leaders who are in responsible positions need to recognize it as their responsibility and be accountable for an environment that not only stops bullying but also prevents it.

I was sexually harassed by one of my bosses in one of the organizations and I got support from two people within the organization. Yet, the person continued to bully (in a suave way) people within his team. When I left the organization, I met human resources and gave a detailed account of what had happened. The human resources director asked me why I didn’t choose to report it earlier. My response to her was, would you have believed me? She didn’t know what to say. I told her speaking up cost me my job and I didn’t have support from anyone barring two people. Yet, here I am and I challenge you now to take the right action. Action was luckily taken, albeit late.

In organizations, it is imperative that people in senior management are aware, respect and promote a culture that cuts the roots of ill behavior as soon as they see it. They need to promote a culture which supports people who speak up against such behaviors. A friendly environment will foster respect and trust.

Prevention is better than cure and many people become bullies, suave or otherwise, because there is a root cause.

Address the root cause early on before it becomes a stigma and a path that causes harm to others and themselves. And where it is not prevented and you have a “bully boss” or “bully colleague”, ask yourself if you are in an organization that supports bully behavior and what can you do to stop it?

Coaching can help provided the attitude adopted by the bully is that they can do, need to do and want to do what is necessary to improve their behaviour and get the desired results.

What do you think are some ways to prevent a person from becoming a Bully? Your Thoughts ?

Are you looking to enhance your executive presence, improve the way you communicate and inspire others as a leader? Please connect with me for one-on-one coaching or group workshops or webinars or learn more on what suits your needs.

The Not So Random Acts of Kindness

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You are tired, have had a bad day, your feet is aching. You see someone who is unable to stand, get into the bus you have just boarded. Would you give your seat to this person?

Random acts of kindness brighten another’s day and gives pleasure to the person engaged in the act of kindness. Kindness is typically spoken in terms of being nice, caring for others or doing something.

Have you thought of kindness as not doing or saying something? Click to Tweet

Three years ago, I was getting out of my gym and slipped just outside the building and twisted my ankle. The twist was so bad that I was unable to stand up on my own. For a good two to three minutes I was wreathing in pain and not a single soul in the busy city that I live in bothered to ask me, if I need help. Suddenly I saw a Good Samaritan come running across the road and asked me if I need help and helped me stand up.  This is a conscious act of kindness.

Kindness to me is

What you say or don’t

What you do or don’t

Who you are in your actions and behavior Click to Tweet

Aren’t being kind all of these:

1. Silence – when you know someone has made a mistake at work, do you embarrass the person in front of others or take the person aside and ask questions in a way that they realize their mistake? Calling to another person’s mistakes indirectly is an act of kindness because you appreciate that the person has done a mistake and you give an opportunity to that person to correct their mistake.

2. Speak up – there is no point in saying you care about women and stand up against violence against women when you partake in hearing and passing sexist comments. Silently hearing these comments is as good as being a participant. Passing cheap comments on social media about animals or women or any human is not being kind. If you are part of a  “bystander effect” you are not kind.

3. Humor – in life you can’t be all serious and not have fun. Use humor but not to assassinate somebody’s character or to insult somebody. You are kind if you decide not to pass that cheap humor or sarcastic comment.

4. Being right – even if you are right, there comes many a situation in life, it is better to be kind than proving you are right. This can be difficult many times but think of situations when it is better to let go because you know that you’ll possibly make it worse to prove you are right.

5. Sorry – if you are sorry say “Sorry”, not “I’m sorry but”. What is the use of an apology with buts? Click To Tweet

6. Thoughts and actions – a smile, a hug, offering a seat in a public transport to somebody, holding the door open for someone, volunteering are all acts of Kindness. And, don’t forget many a time not acting in a particular way or not saying something is an act of kindness too. Respect another person’s time and keep up your word and commitment. Click to Tweet

7. Anger – Not giving in to your anger is an act of kindness no matter how right you are.

8. Forgiveness – this is a tricky one especially if that person whom you have to forgive has hurt you deeply. But the best way to think about this is you need to be kind to yourself and in that self-compassion forgive the other person or block that bad memory so that you don’t agonize yourself over the hurt.

9. Listening – Not burying your head in your phone when you are in a meeting at work or off work is giving respect to the person who is having a conversation with you. Being genuinely interested in the other person (not probing) is an act of kindness too. Listening with your heart and soul is the best gift you can give someone. Click To Tweet

10. How are you? – when someone asks you How Are you? Be kind to them in responding rather than giving a mechanical answer. The care that a person shows you by thinking about you and asking about your wellbeing is a kind act and one that needs to be cherished.

Mind your manners in public or on social media. You may think that it is your timeline and that gives you a right to behave in any, which way you want to. However, you reveal your character and the acts of ill mannerism speak volumes about You more than anyone else.

There is always more room for kindness. In this day and age where stress levels are high and emotional intelligence is the order of the day, why not be kind ?

Kindness is a way of showing others that they matter and that even in the face of stress and hostility, you can still be kind. Click To Tweet

For Coaching, Speaking or Training please connect with Lalita Raman.

“Be My Valentine – 1 Billion Rising”

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As I’m writing this in the wee hours of the morning, before the crack of dawn, Valentine’s Day is slowly but surely rolling out.

The Valentine Day fever or retail mania has started off a week to 10 days back even in the non Western world. From India, Pakistan, Hong Kong, China and various nook and corners of Asia, it is almost impossible to miss the fervor of this special day.

What is Valentine’s Day ? I won’t bore you with details but for the curios mind, you can check the link.

The significance from what I have read and understood is that it marks the Feast day of Saint Valentine; the celebration of Love and affection.

In my view, love and affection can be to your mother, wife, girl friend, boy friend, spouse, friend, brother, sister, father, child or for that matter to any human being.

I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day because the true meaning has been lost over the years in the way it is commercialized and has in my view become one of the biggest money-making business. One loses their peace of mind with advance restaurant bookings, retailers wooing you with the Valentine’s Day clichés, set menus in restaurants with no choice left to you to choose what you desire to eat.

On this Valentine’s Day and going forward ask yourself 

  • Is this all that Love and Affection is about ?
  • Are you further victimizing a woman who has already been sexually assaulted by your attitude and lewd comments ?
  • Do you find power in degrading a woman mentally and physically ?
  • Are you not ostracizing woman when you make statements to the effect that woman walk in perpetual consent when they dress the way they want?
  • Are you not being an oppressor watching a rape or sexual assault silently ?
  • Are you not contributing to violence against woman when you watch TV shows and movies that show woman as a commodity ?
  • Are you not being a sexist when you engage in verbal sexual assaults or silently watch the same against a woman ?
  • Are you not bringing disdain to love and affection when you decide to abort a child when you determine the sex of the child is female ?
  • Are you not aiding and abetting with the oppressors when you don’t raise your voice against Female Genital Mutation, sexual abuse or harassment or female feticide or any other form of violence against women. 
  • For anyone who thinks women should ignore online harassment, and not react, would you do so?  Would you ignore it if you are abused, and threatened on-line ?
  • Why do you as society victimize a female and view her with a cacophony of distrust ?
  • Are you treating the woman in your life with love, affection, respect and care? 
  • Are you being human while dealing with a woman ?

Key Highlights from onebillionrising.org. Watch the Video  http://t.co/uK97Qnko.

“ONE IN THREE WOMEN ON THE PLANET WILL BE RAPED OR BEATEN IN HER LIFETIME.

ONE BILLION WOMEN VIOLATED IS AN ATROCITY

ONE BILLION WOMEN DANCING IS A REVOLUTION

On V-Day’s 15th Anniversary, 14 February 2013, we are inviting ONE BILLION women and those who love them to WALK OUT, DANCE, RISE UP, and DEMAND an end to this violence. ONE BILLION RISING will move the earth, activating women and men across every country. V-Day wants the world to see our collective strength, our numbers, our solidarity across borders.

What does ONE BILLION look like? On 14 February 2013, it will look like a REVOLUTION.

ONE BILLION RISING IS:

A global strike

An invitation to dance

A call to men and women to refuse to participate in the status quo until rape and rape culture ends

An act of solidarity, demonstrating to women the commonality of their struggles and their power in numbers

A refusal to accept violence against women and girls as a given

A new time and a new way of being.”

Change starts with you, with your family. If you change your mindsets and attitudes, and every member of your family did the same, this world will no longer have woman who are treated as a Sexual Commodity to be harassed, tortured, raped, humiliated or killed. 

Start now, start today. Speak up, spread the good word of Be A Human and a Woman is Human. Raise your voice as a human being and bring Violence Against Women to an END. 

Image Source 

Violence Against Women

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Violence Against Women is one of the worst crimes and pandemic that exists in our society. Violence exists because we choose to live with it, we choose to allow women to be treated badly.

Please watch my video below on my views on Violence Against Women and what you can do to put an end to this torture that continues to be inflicted against women.

Violence Against Women

Steps To Help Women Facing Violence & Abuse

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As we draw close to the Violence Against Women Awareness Month (VAWAM), we have heard many heart rendering real life stories and experiences and some of the women have been able to come out of the situation and others have been able to arrive at a reconciliation with their partners after an open communication and dialiogue with their partner and his family members.  But, there are many a case both in rural and urban India where we still face dowry deaths and killing in the name of so called Honor.

We have also had Eve Teasing & Street Harassment incidents which have resulted in the death of a boy who fought against these elements of violence.

While it is imperative that we use the existing legislations and have the authorities and police play their role in safeguarding the life of a woman and give her the adequate protection, it is important that mindsets are changed among women and men re: treatment of women, treatment of a girl child, saying no to child marriage and child birth and also saying No to Dowry.

I thought I should put together some points together as to how we as a society we can help reduce the Violence Against Women, By no means is this list suppsoed to be exhaustive but I hope it serves as an overall guide. 

1. Never be a silent spectator to any incidents of abuse or violence against women. A silent spectator is as good as the oppressor. Bottomline Nip it in The Bud.

2. Assess the situation and call for help so that you and the victim’s life is not in danger, Call for help from a friend or authorities. But in the fearof protecting your life do not run away from the situation and turn abound eye.

3. Volunteer to raise awareness re: Violence Against Women. There are various organizations like Bell Bajao, Prajnya which are organizations that are involved in these Efforts already. They need help and like volunteers in promoting the cause to reduce Violence Against Women. 

4. Blogging in India is done by almost everybody.- use blogs, Tweets& Facebook pages to publish information which can help women in situations of violence.

5. Make a note of these Organizations in Various Parts of India whose help you could use to help someone faving domestic violence or any other form of violence

I. 4 Bangalore, #India, Helplines & Support for Women in India facing dowry threats & other violence. Link. 

II. #Chennai #India listing of helplines for women in need by @prajnya Link

III. In India, call 1091 for help with Domestic Violence -Women’s Helpline taking care of women & Bell_Bajao & Link  

IV. Additional resources for help

V. Complaints can be made if you see people giving or taking or asking dowry –Link

6. A Women facing domestic abuse and violence should make herself aware abou her Legal Rights – this link thanks to Bell_Bajao – Link

7. If the authorities are not taking interest in filing an FIR or prosecuting an oppressor.. start a petition and get support.  Get the help of Twitter & Facebook to get more signatories. 

8. It is just not women who can stop violence but the participation of men is essential. Men can stop violence, Men listen to men and men can help survivors. I paste here a link again thanks to Bell Bajao. Link

9. Our education curriculum needs to stress the importance of women and what behavior by men are considered violence. Several times Boys who witness violence while growing up are the most common perpetrator’of violence against women later on in life.

10. Have more number of ladies special compartments in trains and also frequent bus services in remote location which are prone to eve teasing and street harassment.

11. Seek the help of legal counsellers, NGOs and it is imperative that family & society also do not reject a woman who has been raped. 

A link to one of the NGOs in Delhi for example thanks to Bell Bajao. Link

12. Use forums like kitty parties or Book clubs, cooking classes to raise awareness re: violence against women.  

Violence Against Women can only reduce if each of us work towards stopping women being abused & disrespected. The preference of boys over girls mindset has to change in our society & this is only possible through awareness sessions, implementation of penalties for various forms of violence. 

Sexual & emotional are not even considered violence, but they are and we need to make an appeal so that these are considered violence.  Research shows physical & verbal abuse are only considered violence. Pls read Link

You, I, Us are responsible to ensure that women are treated with respect & not abused. 

Violence Against Women – What is the root cause ?

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VAWAWARENESS

“A Woman Brought you into this World, so you have no right to disrespect one.” -Tupac Shakur

Headlines in the daily paper has bride burning, suicide from domestic violence, acid violence, women being beaten up black & blue, gang raped & violence in the most brutal form & shape- mental & physical !

 In India there is a crime against women in every three minutes, one rape every twenty nine minutes and one recorded case of dowry death in every seventy seven minutes. Cases of cruelty meted out by husbands and in laws are seen in every nine minutes. Patriarchal terrorism where one partner uses economic and social power to maintain control over another human is very common in India and other Asian countries due to the subservient status of women.

(Source :Domestic Violence in India Statistics)

Forms of Violence Against Women and Girls

1. The most common causes for women being abused and battered include dissatisfaction with the initial dowry resulting in continued exploitation of women for more, not cooking properly or on time, going out of home without telling her husband or in-laws, suspicion of extra marital affairs – The Tandoor Murder Case of Naina Sahni in New Delhi in the year 1995 in an example of such a suspicion (Naina Sahni), infertility or giving birth to girls rather than boys.   In today’s world where the women works, some of the factors leading to abuse could be the women earning more than her husband, outrageous sexual abuse at work, eve teasing and street harassment.

2. Violence against young widows has also been on the rise in India. Many times the women are cursed for their husband’s death and are deprived of proper food and clothing. They are not allowed or encouraged for remarriage in most of the homes, and this is true even today in many rural areas.

3. Female foeticide and female infanticide continues to be a rising concern and is on the rise in India. In fact to quote Rita Bannerji of 50millionmissing Girls, from (50millionmissing)

“This is the message that India’s, just released, 2011 census data sends out.

The data reveals that in the age group 0-6 years, the gender ratio is 914 girls to 1000 boys.   Which means, for every 1000 boys, there are at least about 60-70 girls under the age of 6 years who were killed before or within 6 years after birth.

This is the lowest gender ratio recorded since India’s Independence in 1947.”

“A 2011 report on a study conducted jointly by the Indian Council of Medical Research and the Harvard School of Public Health confirmed that girls under 5 years in India were dying at an abnormally high rate because they were being subject to inhumane violence at home by their families.  The study observed that girls were 21% more likely than boys to die before their 5th birthday because of violence.  And infant girls, who were one year and younger were 50% more likely to die because of violence than boys that age.  The head researcher commented, “Shockingly this violence does not pose a threat to your life if you are lucky enough to be born a boy.””

For the full article refer Link

Save the Girl Child.

What Happens to the Victim and the Oppressor

Many times the oppressor gets away with crimes like rape, dowry deaths & other forms of violence against women due to their connections or when the survivor or the victim is asked for witnesses for the rape or other forms of violence. Delayed and or denied justice, harassment by police, social taboo and lack of support from the system are the main reasons most cases go unreported and marital rape is still not considered a crime in India.

Below are some recent examples of pressure from parents on girls to continue with the marriage no matter if she is being physically and mentally abused, Government apathy to the Issue of Rape, & general lack of support from the system, literate and educated girls who consent to their parents giving dowry and continue to stay on in an abusive marriage inspite of being beaten black and blue and finally at the cost of her life.

1. Destitue Girl Denied Home

2. Doctor Murders Wife in Delhi Drives 1000km with body to dump it in Ganga. (Link 1, Link 2, Link 3)

3. Kavita Krishnan : Women Struggling Against Rape in India

WHY?

  1. Is it the so-called culture and myth in India, where men were and are still considered to be the bread-winner, Patriarchal dominated society of India?
  2. Non acceptance of Girl right from the time the parents know that the foetus is a girl thereby leading to Killing the female foetus and female infanticide.
  3. The Girl’s Parents who consider it their obligation to give dowry whenever demanded and thus feeling that whenever a girl is born in the family it would be a huge drain on their financial resources.
  4. Parents pampering the Boy Child and discriminating the  girl child which gives a superiority complex to most typical males in India.
  5. Witnessing parental domestic violence has emerged as the strongest predictor of perpetration of violence in young people’s own intimate relationships.
  6. Women stay on in an abusive relationship (even the most educated and literate) because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying ? and the fear that she will not be accepted by society if she walks out of a relationship, thus risking her own life.
  7. To prevent the children from undergoing the hardships if she separates from the spouse. Also the traditional and orthodox mindset makes them bear the sufferings without any protest.

 WHAT DO WE DO?

We live in the twenty-first century and yet we see and tolerate violence and yet the so-called educated and literate bear violence and pay a price of their life.   Are we going to be silent  and join the oppressors.

High time we engage in this cause to stop Violence Against Women which include spreading the message asking girl’s parents not to engage in giving dowry for their girl’s marriage, stop forcing a woman to stay in an abusive relationship, accept a rape survivor as part of our society and encourage her to share her story so it lessens her burden, stop the preference given to boys over girls as part of our day-to-day living.

 HOW

  1. Use the power of media to convey these important messages – such as stopping child marriages, not giving dowry, making the public aware about the consequences of violence against women.
  2. People who are being tortured and are in an abusive relationship should take the help of a friend or Samaritan organizations like Bell Bajao.
  3. Have the Bollywood stars to promote this cause.
  4. Make it part of the formal education process.
  5. Spread the word through face book pages like Causes, organize activities like “Walk in her Shoes”, Twitter and other forms of Social Media
  6. Make sure that the oppressor is punished.  India does have a Criminal Law, we need to make sure that it is  used in the right way.
  7. Bring men to fight against violence and abuse against women. Get men together in a community who are willing to take a stand to support efforts to end sexual violence against women.
 Bottomline – Violence Prevails because we allow  it to. Speak up. Stop the Silence. Each of our  effort counts and let this rage of violence end  once and for all.