You never get over your near & dear one’s death. You just learn to live with that vacuum …..
“This too shall pass” is how she dealt with every challenge she had and suddenly lo and behold, she passed away.
On that fateful Saturday, January 11, she woke up at 4 am which was her usual habit, for several decades. She got dressed with the help of my sister and was ready at 7:30 am, to leave to the hospital. Her endoscopy appointment was at 9 am. She was ready to leave at 8 am, well ahead of the appointment.
Being prompt was a core value that she and my dad always had. She was cheerful, greeted the hospital staff with her beautiful smile, and wished the doctor good morning. She told my sister, after changing to the hospital gown, that she would walk to the procedure table on her own and she did and with help from my sister, she lied down on the procedure table. With her beaming smile, she told the Dr. she is ready and she wants to be sent back in the same state. Alas… that was not to be. The doctor through the endoscopy procedure met with some complication, and left her high and dry. I will not go through the details of what happened after that…. Suffice to say it led to her death.
My mom whose smile captured the attention of one and all died at the merciless mistake committed by a doctor, whom she trusted completely. No one is perfect and yes mistakes happen. Sadly, this doctor instead of acknowledging that there was a complication, and rushing her to the emergency room for an operation, left her to the throes of death. She was disfigured and had to be cremated the next morning. I did not see her because I did not get a flight for the next day and given the state of her body, we could not delay the cremation.
I was planning to see her during Chinese New Year and sadly that never happened.
The only consolation that I have is that at least she does not have to suffer any more.
She was suffering from Parkinson’s for 8 years, a debilitating disease. She also had osteoporosis and prolapse vault. My dad passed away suddenly 1.5 years back and the strength that I saw in my mom was beyond imagination. For my mom who got married at the age of 18, my dad was everything and she had always hoped and wished that she dies before my dad. Unfortunately, that wish of hers did not come true. In addition to her willpower, she was morally supported and cared for by my sister and brother-in law. They live right next door to her.
Last year, in June, she underwent a femur bone high risk operation, after having broken that bone on a bad fall that she had at home. She was able to use a walker within 3 months, and even the doctors were surprised at her will power, strength and the speed of her recovery. But life continued to throw another curve ball at her yet again. In November, last year she developed complications in her large intestine and had to undergo another operation called colostomy and thereafter she had a stoma. The stoma bag was cleaned daily and sometimes several times a day by my sister. Despite all this she still believed every time that this too shall pass.
There were moments when she used to get fed up of the innumerable medications that she took and the never ending challenges that she had to face. She also felt that she was burdening my sister. I understood her predicament. Here was a woman who had always been independent and looked after the house, her two daughters and managed everything. Suddenly, day by day, she saw herself losing the ability of her muscles. Parkinson’s really ate her up bit by bit.
I miss my dad and my mum and no one in this world can ever replace them. I have been away from them for 25 years and yet distance did not make us further apart. I used to have daily conversations with them all through these years. They were my secure base for a long time and slowly I made a conscious effort not to burden them with my challenges and woes, especially, after my mom developed Parkinson’s. I will always miss them for innumerable things, for who they were and the conversations we used to have.
2020 started off with my mom passing away suddenly. As much as I am upset and angry at the way the doctor treated her, I will always want to remember my mother for the following qualities. She was and still remains an inspiration to me
1.Smile– despite all her sufferings, she had a smile on her face. Her smile was innocent, beautiful and genuine.
2.Gentle and Kind– she always had good thoughts. I do not recollect my mom ever speaking ill of anyone or gossiping.
3.Strong and Courageous – Her life and the way she lived it was strong. She learnt 3 languages on her own – English, Hindi and Bengali (the language mainly spoken in Kolkata). Every time my dad moved cities, she adapted herself to the various challenges that a new city in India offered. A new language, a new way of being, and in fact in many ways a new culture because within India, different cities, different states have their own culture and idiosyncrasies.
Her strength was also seen in the way she took on the challenge of bringing up her daughter (myself) who at the age of 8 was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes mellitus.
Every time she had a fall in the past 4-5 years she never moaned about it. She had an amazing calmness about herself.
4.Do what you Love – she came from an extremely conservative family. Her parents were not of the mindset that girls need to be educated, and empowered. Yet, my mom after marriage, decided that she will learn everything that she can. She loved what she did, at least that is the attitude she displayed. She did not complain ever about having to do the housework, making sure her children studied and did their homework, cooking food, going to the market, or managing the household finances. She probably did not have a say or choice at the time she got married. Yet she chose to have the right attitude because she knew that was within her control.
5.Never Give Up– I am a persistent woman and I know I got that from my mom. I used to always tell my mom and had asked her to promise me that she will not give up after my dad passed away. I know she did not. She fought till the very end and her death was not caused by her giving up, but a rupture in the intestine which because it was left unattended, led to her condition……
She was a determined person who taught my sister and I many a thing and definitely all of the above by leading by example. She was an introvert and yet her actions and behaviors had volumes to speak.
May her soul Rest In Peace and May I always have good memories of her to overcome the bad taste that was left in her agonizing experience of death.
