Little Things That Matter

Learn From The Past, Live The Present and Have An Open Mind to Face Tomorrow

Archives for July 2013

How Do You “LET GO”

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Life is the best teacher, a friend, a soul mate. She teaches you what none others can teach and it is in living life through the challenges she throws at us is what makes life.

There are things in life you can’t hold on for ever and life isn’t for ever either. Life from the day you are born, moment by moment, tells you to let go. Nothing lasts forever, you are at this stage in your life because you have let go of your childhood, your youth, some of your age-old habits and idiosyncrasies. Through the years of your life to date, you may have different ways of doing things, you may have changed your job, your career or possibly even some of your relationships that were not working for you.

In each of the transitions in life be it natural, by accident or by choice, you have been able to move forward because you have let go of something. Yet, there are modes in your lives where you continue to grip on some things that you expect to last forever. You refuse to Let Go.

This could apply to your relationships, projects that you have put your heart and soul and yet don’t see the desired results, business venture that you are passionate about but ROI tells you otherwise, your behavior at work or socially, and may be aspects of your overall being.

What is the emotion you undergo when you refuse to let go?

  • Fear of the unknown
  • uncertainty
  • perspective of failure in your mind
  • discomfort
  • denial to see the benefits
  • negativity
  • love the perceived sense of control

Destiny isn’t always good and be it in some paths chosen in relationships or with respect to our professional life, you have to let go and consider the people and the opportunities in those paths as lessons learnt for better things in future. You may say easier said than done.

♠Letting Go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.♠

I’ve found that the more I cling to outcomes and things, the more I create an anchor that drains my energy and in turn I discourage myself.

So how can you help yourself Let Go?

1. Internal conversations – each of us have a conversation that we have with ourselves. This could be self talk or negative talk. Your thoughts control your feelings and these feelings translates into your internal conversations. Your brain drives your behavior from your internal conversations.

♣What are you telling yourself when you hold back from letting go ?

2. Labeling Emotion – each time you struggle with the idea of letting go, stop to reflect. Do you understand your emotions and beliefs? Why do you think that way? Try to label the emotion (could be fear, anxiety, uncertainty, failure) associated with the struggle of letting go – this helps to calm your brain and focus on action forward.

♣Do you tend to dwell on what used to be that is distracting you from taking the necessary action to move you forward?
♣Do you tend to complain and take no action to see what can be done differently to achieve desired outcomes?

Our brains are geared to rewards and thus expecting desired outcomes from our efforts is but natural. However, consuming yourself with the negative outcome only results in frustration and negative emotions. Instead, when something doesn’t go as per your expectations, train your mind to view this circumstance as a chance to learn something you didn’t know. Every experience teaches you something and it a matter of consciously looking at it from a perspective that helps you to move forward.

♣Learning to understand your emotions, reflection on your actions and the experience sets the path for refocusing your energy and “letting go” less painful.

3. Reframe – Do you reflect and once you reflect do you reframe the situation by finding out what’s really going on?

Our brains are constantly on the lookout to move towards what it perceives as a reward and away from what it perceives as a threat. And is five times more likely to perceive something unknown as a threat than a reward. This possibly explains many disquieting parts of our life. Certainty concerns being in the know. Being able to predict gives us that feeling of control and certainty. Without prediction our brain needs to use a lot more energy intensive PFC. In today’s fast paced global world, it is becoming more difficult to anticipate what’s next. To fuel this uncertainty is our own beliefs and biases as to how we perceive a situation. All this makes letting go more difficult.

♣Reframing a situation helps you to manage your beliefs, your perception and your feelings. It helps you to look at situations from a different context and not narrow yourself to your own bias.♣

4. Criticism – do you criticize yourself and everyone else, every time something doesn’t go as per your plan. Does this stop you from letting go of unfair expectations of yourself and others ? Life is a roller coaster and not perfect. Letting go eases your agony that you put yourself through by engaging in “blame game” and “know it all”. When you catch yourself thinking and behaving in a manner that signifies that you know everything and have little tolerance to any new ideas or methods, it is time to stop and reflect.

♣How flexible are you to expand your mind and go out of your comfort zone?

5. Control Freak – one of the common hurdles to letting go. Each of us are unique and have our contribution to make. We can control out behavior, our choices but how others act or behave is outside our control. Positive change occurs when you decide to let go of control over everything in your life and work.

Imagine you are on your way to an appointment at 3 pm. You leave well ahead of time. However you get caught in a nasty traffic jam. You try to change lanes, honk, curse, get agitated and yet nothing changes. Each time you succeed at changing lanes, your frustration increases because you realize that the new lane is no better. There are many situations similar to this which are beyond your control in your day-to-day life. You cannot have everything you want despite your efforts to make it a success. Let go or else you get caught in a negative vicious cycle.

6. Negativity – negativity breeds negativity and saps your energy. Your surroundings in terms of the people you are with matters to your overall being. There are some people in this world who are full of negative energy and drain you. There are others who provide soul food and are full of positivity and energy. Be with people who support you, challenge you but help you grow. Let go of relationships that jeopardize your being and don’t accept you for what you are.

♣What would you experience if you surround yourself with people who believe in you and help you get better in what you do? 

♣What would it be like if you spend more time with people who have positive vibes and make you feel valued?

Letting go is difficult when we allow ourselves to be overly attached to outcomes, when we have given our heart and soul to some relationships. My own journey of having to let go of things and relationships which weren’t working for me hasn’t been easy. What has helped me in the journey of life is to reflect, reframe and think about the way forward and believe in myself. Gearing my brain towards the rewards associated with the new path helps ease the pain that I associate with letting go.

I’ve learnt and am still learning to be willing to open up to possibility, learn new ways, grow in effectiveness by LETTING GO.

→If you “Let Go,” it does not mean you are giving up but you make a choice to take a different path to your ultimate vision.←

How do you Let Go?

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Fake It Till You Make It

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One of my sister’s friends’ colleague Anita, submitted her resignation recently, since she had found another job. Whilst she was serving her notice period, she still kept hoping that she would be asked to stay in her current organization. She was almost nearing the end of her notice period when my sister’s friend asked Anita why she wanted to stay back. Anita did not have any job in hand. She had pulled a fast one since she believed in doing so, she would get a salary hike with her current company.

You have probably heard of “Fake it till you Make it” ever so often. I have always wondered about this statement.

Do you fake
→your values, authenticity, talents and skills?
→your job, salary, what you can afford
→your emotions, compliments and the way you articulate
→who you are

Fake it till you make it or become it seems to be losing its essence in the way people are using it. I have always understood “Fake it Till You Make it” as, to get over your negative self talk, to believe in yourself, to achieve your dreams and not have your inner critique take over.

From when did it become not being authentic, or being a hypocrite or lying about who you are or what you have?

There are many Anita’s I hear about or meet and I look at them and wonder

♣why do you do what you do?
♣would you rather put on a facade and continue the path of self-deception or be true to your inner self?
♣how long will you keep running away from your inner voice?
♣what would you be proud of yourself and who you are today?
♣what legacy do you want to leave behind in people’s hearts?
♣are you putting away your darkest fears and doubts by being who you are not ?

Psychological research shows that the self-fulfilling prophecy works for both negative and positive predictions, indicating, again, that the beliefs you hold have an impact on what happens to you. And in making something happen, you got to believe that it is possible and you are capable. This extends to your confidence with respect to public speaking, being able to deliver a presentation  or a project. The placebo effect works when applied to build and boost your confidence, when you have the skill set, and are adequately prepared.
We all have moments when we need to fake the confidence, to believe we can do it.By allowing yourself to build and applaud that skill that you have needs to be practiced without any intentional deceit or harm.

Reflective Questions

♣Are you doing what you are doing to establish credibility?
♣What are your core values? Does your behavior and actions reflect your values?
♣How are you living in alignment with your values?
♣Are you building or harming your character in getting over your negative beliefs ?

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Does Your Behavior Reflect Who You Are or Desire To Be?

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→ How often are you inspired by a person whom you meet or read or hear about? → What is it about them that makes you listen or to follow what they are doing or learn a lesson or two from them?

A friend of mine, Carole called me last week saying she wanted to meet me. Carole is one of the most cheerful person I know and on that call she sounded hassled, frustrated and dejected.

I know she had suffered a huge financial loss recently having trusted someone she thought was a friend. The trust that she had placed on this person was misused, mishandled and every aspect of her belief and friendship was broken. I had learnt from her that she was making efforts to get her money back and the process had been none too easy.

When I met her that day, she shared with me her experience with a person whom she had met with regard to getting her money back.

This person whom she met is wealthy, well-connected and this is a known fact among most people in the city we live. Now you would think, this person would have some class and it is not necessary for him to be boastful about his wealth, his connections, number of times he has had an expensive dinner and how influential he is.

However, listening to her narrate the details of the meeting with this person, I started wondering

♦ If this person knew what self-worth was?
♦ Did he feel comfortable in his own skin?
♦ Why did he not allow his act to prove who he was?
♦Did he think that the only way to impress was to rant about his wealth and his connections?
♦ What did success mean to him?
♦ Why the desperation to prove who he is?

His behavior indicated a great sense of insecurity.

I place my value in the character of a person in the way they act and behave and not on the display of their wealth, connections and their titles. I realized why my friend sounded so exasperated when she called on me.

♠ Key Reflections ♠

→ Do you let your actions impress or your talk?
→ Have you paid attention to your talk to listen ratio ?
→ Is it possible for you to win someone’s heart by a smile, by being there to listen and being authentic and human
→ Do you spare a moment to think about moments when you were in a vulnerable position and had self doubts? What did you want amidst those challenges?

Interestingly, he had mentioned to my friend that he was doing this in the interest of goodwill. However, listening to my friend narrate the conversation with this gentleman, I didn’t see any such indications in his behavior.

I wonder if people like him ever ask of their behavior

→ Am I being true to myself?
→ Why do I do what I do?
→ Is inflating my ego more important than being human?

Leadership is not about titles or display of wealth or your power and control. People come and go, titles and other add-ons are short-lived. However, a person is remembered for their character and the way they choose to behave. Our test of character is in the most vulnerable moments and the choice is entirely ours to make. Awareness is an important ingredient to act in character. Awareness not only about self but others and empathizing with the situation is imperative in any form of communication.

♣ Key Reflective Question ♣

How would you want to be remembered ? Someone who just boasted about their connections, titles, and their power or someone who inspired others, helped people along the way, get alongside them because you cared.

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Are You “A Wannabe” or “A Go Getter”?

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You meet your friend Jane for a coffee and in the midst of her conversation with you, she remarks, you know I love writing and am planning to write a book. I want to finish writing at least four books before the end of 2013 and publish it over the course of the first quarter in 2014.

You meet her after 3 months and ask her how she is progressing with her book. She says she has made little progress but she is going to focus and get it started with renewed vigor.

You meet Jane again after two months and she has not made any significant progress on her book. It is already July and she is still procrastinating on her first book. You wonder how she is going to make her dream of finishing four books by the end of 2013 achievable.

How often have you heard yourself and others wish similar things?

Are these just dreams or wild wishes that cannot be translated to reality?

I hear an overwhelming “no”, from you. So what makes dreams come into reality ?

We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort – Jesse Owens

What is that creates the gap between dreams and the action required to make this dream happen?

I often ask my clients when they set goals and regret about not achieving it,the following questions

1. What are your wants and should’s?
2. How often do you tend to be driven by your wants and should’s?
3. How often do you make your wants as should’s and turn that as a focal point on any given day?
4. What have you wanted to do and haven’t?
5. What recharges your batteries?
6. What led you to achieve your wants in the past ?

What stands in your way to making your dreams come true ?

1. Passion If you wake up each day and putting efforts in getting closer to achieving your dreams feels like a death sentence, it is time to ask are you driven by that dream? Are you passionate about it and will still seek to achieve it despite the hurdles along your way?

2. Rewards our brains like rewards along the way. In the case of dreams like writing a book, you may not be able to see the immediate reward. For me writing a blog post, translating an idea to a completed blog post gives me a thrill. Every drop in an ocean counts and baby steps are a good way to start anything new. What are these rewards that will make you stay committed in your journey to achieving your dreams?

3. Priorities – each of us have a part of the day when we function our best. For some of us this may be early morning, and yet for others late night. How can you utilize this time more productively. Can you prioritize your day in a manner that you do those activities that require thinking, understanding and being creative during the best part of your day? Do you take adequate breaks to recharge and renew?

4. Communication – is often the key to success in our professional lives and this includes communicating to ourselves as well. What are you telling yourself in terms of your wants? What are you doing to focus the best part of your day to making progress towards your dreams? How are you motivating yourself? How are you shutting off distractions ? Do you take support from friends or other networks?

5. Responsibility – intention to do something and taking action to convert the want to a reality are poles apart. How responsible are you in doing everything within your control? What things if you did them would change your life?

*Every time you think or say you are procrastinating, focus on the how to rather than over analyzing and over thinking on what ifs.*
*What acknowledgement can you give yourself today?*
*In what particular ways are you results oriented in your day-to-day actions?*

When The Going Gets Tough

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“I’m stuck.”

“I feel I’m running on a hamster wheel with no scope to get off. “

“I’ve no time to think or look at anything else because I’m always swamped with so many things I’ve to do.”

How often have you felt this way or heard your friends, partners, colleagues say this at various points in your day or their day?

Several of my coaching relationships start at this point.

We all go through this at several points in our life or at specific points in our day.

Is it a regular phenomena or something you feel at specific points in your day or specific periods of time at a stretch?

If you look around you, you’ll realize many people are stressed out or at a breaking point.

What are these stressors ?

Is it with work?

Is it with some transitions that you are going through at work or in life?

Is it with overall life in general in terms of your dreams and priorities?

What is the cause of these stressors? 

Is it fear of being dispensable and losing your job or not being able to advance in your area of talent? Or being forced on account of lack of choices ?

What about your day-to-day stressors? Is it because you are not taking the required break ? Are you facing the fear of missing out, if you are not seemingly present in what you are doing ?

What is the impact of these stressors?

– are you being thoughtful in your responses on email and other forms of communication?

– do you tend to not pay attention to the tasks that you are doing and to the people around you ?

– how often do you play the blame game in these moments ?

– do you feel threatened and sense of fear or a fight or flight mode?

Why does this happen – our brain is complex and research from various neuroscientists are discovering more and more that the parts of the brain work together as a symphony, so as we separate one part out, we have to remember that it doesn’t work in isolation. The prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is the executive center controls our ability to understand, think, decide, analyze, memorize, inhibit and recall.   So the PFC is vital to our daily survival, and yet there are many factors (environmental, hormonal, and genetic ) that can impact how well it works. The activity of the PFC Is also extremely energy-consuming.

If anything internal or external is impacting the functioning of the PFC, the activities relating to the 5 things above become harder and harder. Decisions will be harder to make, you won’t understand things as easily and inhibiting behaviors, or emotions will be harder.

Most of us are used to reading a proposal, at the same trying to understand it, possibly recall something from previous information. The more we add to this mix, the tougher it gets for the PFC to manage.

And one of the biggest drains to the PFC is inhibition, humans have the ability to socially control behaviors and emotions. And we need this to be able to function. These inhibitions could be in the form of not deciding to drink another cup of coffee or  go to dinner with a friend since you have to complete the task at hand.

Social Control is draining to the brain, and that thrown in with the other activities of the PFC fuels the drain. The more drained we become, the less effective we are at being able to understand, think, decide,  question, memorize or recall.

The more the stress/threat to the PFC, the greater the chances of our amygdala (flight or fight response part of our brain ) to take over, thus increasing our emotional response, and reducing our ability to use the PFC in general.

Do we need to take breaks ?

Research participants were nearly twice as likely to give the correct response to a complex decision-making problem if they were distracted by a simple three-minute number-matching task before being asked for their answers, says a team led by Marlène Abadie of the University of Toulouse in France. A more-demanding distraction had no such effect. Extracted from HBR

How do we get away from these breaking points or stressors

1. Self awareness – do you know your limits? How comfortable are you in saying No? Self awareness is your knowledge, moment by moment of what is going on within you, what is your emotional state, and the choice you make at that moment on how to behave.

2. Self Regulation – are you setting your priorities ? Do you schedule your day and prioritize ? Do you tend to react to every phenomenon that comes by your way during the day? Self regulation is having a degree of present moment self-awareness.

3. Self generation – how often do you reflect and renew? Do you question your beliefs and assumptions and ready to challenge them and move on? Self-generation is about creating alignment between moment to moment behavior and action with the desired outcome.

Do you take downtime, no matter how busy a schedule you may have?

Leadership success goes beyond your talents, skills, knowledge and experience. All the talent and skills are of no use if the moment by moment choice in terms of your behavior and action is not mindful.

When the heat is on and the going gets tough, are you on a reactive behavior as a leader or are you one who takes a calm, focused and balanced view? Do you encourage your team and help them refocus, thus building the trust.

The mental fences or shackles is what we set for ourselves. Learn to connect with your inner self and focus on your vision but allow yourself to take breaks.

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