Little Things That Matter

Learn From The Past, Live The Present and Have An Open Mind to Face Tomorrow

The Not So Random Acts of Kindness

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You are tired, have had a bad day, your feet is aching. You see someone who is unable to stand, get into the bus you have just boarded. Would you give your seat to this person?

Random acts of kindness brighten another’s day and gives pleasure to the person engaged in the act of kindness. Kindness is typically spoken in terms of being nice, caring for others or doing something.

Have you thought of kindness as not doing or saying something? Click to Tweet

Three years ago, I was getting out of my gym and slipped just outside the building and twisted my ankle. The twist was so bad that I was unable to stand up on my own. For a good two to three minutes I was wreathing in pain and not a single soul in the busy city that I live in bothered to ask me, if I need help. Suddenly I saw a Good Samaritan come running across the road and asked me if I need help and helped me stand up.  This is a conscious act of kindness.

Kindness to me is

What you say or don’t

What you do or don’t

Who you are in your actions and behavior Click to Tweet

Aren’t being kind all of these:

1. Silence – when you know someone has made a mistake at work, do you embarrass the person in front of others or take the person aside and ask questions in a way that they realize their mistake? Calling to another person’s mistakes indirectly is an act of kindness because you appreciate that the person has done a mistake and you give an opportunity to that person to correct their mistake.

2. Speak up – there is no point in saying you care about women and stand up against violence against women when you partake in hearing and passing sexist comments. Silently hearing these comments is as good as being a participant. Passing cheap comments on social media about animals or women or any human is not being kind. If you are part of a  “bystander effect” you are not kind.

3. Humor – in life you can’t be all serious and not have fun. Use humor but not to assassinate somebody’s character or to insult somebody. You are kind if you decide not to pass that cheap humor or sarcastic comment.

4. Being right – even if you are right, there comes many a situation in life, it is better to be kind than proving you are right. This can be difficult many times but think of situations when it is better to let go because you know that you’ll possibly make it worse to prove you are right.

5. Sorry – if you are sorry say “Sorry”, not “I’m sorry but”. What is the use of an apology with buts? Click To Tweet

6. Thoughts and actions – a smile, a hug, offering a seat in a public transport to somebody, holding the door open for someone, volunteering are all acts of Kindness. And, don’t forget many a time not acting in a particular way or not saying something is an act of kindness too. Respect another person’s time and keep up your word and commitment. Click to Tweet

7. Anger – Not giving in to your anger is an act of kindness no matter how right you are.

8. Forgiveness – this is a tricky one especially if that person whom you have to forgive has hurt you deeply. But the best way to think about this is you need to be kind to yourself and in that self-compassion forgive the other person or block that bad memory so that you don’t agonize yourself over the hurt.

9. Listening – Not burying your head in your phone when you are in a meeting at work or off work is giving respect to the person who is having a conversation with you. Being genuinely interested in the other person (not probing) is an act of kindness too. Listening with your heart and soul is the best gift you can give someone. Click To Tweet

10. How are you? – when someone asks you How Are you? Be kind to them in responding rather than giving a mechanical answer. The care that a person shows you by thinking about you and asking about your wellbeing is a kind act and one that needs to be cherished.

Mind your manners in public or on social media. You may think that it is your timeline and that gives you a right to behave in any, which way you want to. However, you reveal your character and the acts of ill mannerism speak volumes about You more than anyone else.

There is always more room for kindness. In this day and age where stress levels are high and emotional intelligence is the order of the day, why not be kind ?

Kindness is a way of showing others that they matter and that even in the face of stress and hostility, you can still be kind. Click To Tweet

For Coaching, Speaking or Training please connect with Lalita Raman.

Leadership And The Art Of Communication

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Last week on Wednesday, I was attending a meeting and one of the conversations was about organizing events where we could bring out the best in Women and show diversity of women by getting those who practice it to share their experiences. Along with this, some of us were of the view that we should combine this talk with some fun, food and frolic. While this conversation was going on, I suggested that maybe we should consider a theme party and before I could finish my statement, I heard a woman who was dominating the meeting till then, cut me off by laughing and saying “oh God, no, I hate fancy dress parties”.

For a second or two I was upset but decided to smile. I smiled, because at that moment I had a flash of this particular extract from Pema Chodron’s quotes that I had read the day before.

“It’s not life that causes suffering, says Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, it’s our story about life—our interpretation—that causes so much distress. When we practice interrupting the story we’re telling ourselves, and learn to ride the wave of emotions that inevitably come up in life, we can find a new freedom and flexibility in the face of uncertainty and change.”

I shy away from networking meetings, especially those over drinks or lunch without a talk or event. One of the main reasons I’m uncomfortable with these type of networking events is that I find most people not wanting to have a proper conversation. Most, whom I encounter at such events are those who give you a fleeting glance whilst making an effort to talk to you. They are either too busy with their smart phones or scouting the room whilst pretending to talk to you or anyone else they meet in the room.

Last Thursday, I made a conscious effort to go to one of the Alumni networking events and whilst I was almost on my way out, I met a person with whom I had a long and meaningful conversation. This person appealed to me because he did not flash his ego or titles or business cards or his position in his company. We spoke about values, state of the world, differences and similarities in culture and how important it is to get fulfillment on a daily basis and how we can explore this path on a daily basis. When I suddenly looked at the watch, I realized that it was well past the time I had planned to leave. We started and ended on a high note.

I smiled and at that moment realized how important it is to be present. I remembered a quote From Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chödrön, page 116, that made perfect sense to me, because I had experienced this whilst I was conversing with this person. “If we really want to communicate, we have to give up knowing what to do. When we come in with our agendas, they only block us from seeing the person in front of us. It’s best to drop our five-year plans and accept the awkward sinking feeling that we are entering a situation naked. We don’t know what will happen or what we’ll do.”

How many times do we enter a room and feel uncomfortable ?

What is the reason for this discomfort?

Yes, there are many times when many of us come into a conversation with pre conceived notions or agendas.

Some of these situations, where I am aware, yet find it difficult to go with a completely open mind is

– interviews
– business development meetings
– networking drink or lunch meetings with no event attached
– a meeting where negotiation is part of the agenda
– meeting someone for the first time as a potential client
– meeting people ahead or after a workshop, training or presentation.

Over the years, I have become less conscious in some of the above situations because I have consciously told myself and re-engineered my brain to go with an open mind. I have also realized that the more I go with a preset notion or the more apprehensive I have been, the less effective the conversation has been.

Communication happens best when there are no agendas and you allow the space to be filled with the flow. The flow can be silence, laughter, conversation, emotions, body language, facial expressions and everything that allows you to be who you are. A space that allows your soul to shine and where you are not interrupted, judged, criticized or expected to act in a particular way.

Whilst not every conversation in our day-to-day life may quite meet the above, why don’t we create that flow in every opportunity that we communicate in?

How do leaders communicate in the know?

  1. by being flexible and adaptable
  2. by facilitating empowering and engaging conversations
  3. by listening to understand and not to respond
  4. listening without bias or prejudice
  5. listen to connect emotionally and intellectually and with empathy
  6. give undivided attention to the person with whom you are having a conversation with.
  7. a conversation is never one way though many behave in that fashion as was the lady in the meeting I attended on Wednesday. If you are a good communicator, you will initiate the conversation by taking genuine interest in others and what they have to say.
  8. you reinforce and clarify. You are concise and you encourage others to talk not only by the words you use but also by your body language and facial expressions.

When have you experienced communication at its best?

How are you creating the space for being a great communicator?

“That we close down is not a problem. In fact, to become aware of when we so is an important part of the training. The first step in cultivating loving-kindness is to see when we are erecting barriers between ourselves and others. Unless we understand-in a non-judgmental way-that we are hardening our hearts, there is no possibility of dissolving that armor. Without dissolving the armor, the loving-kindness of bodhisattva is always held back. We are always obstructing our innate capacity to love without an agenda.” ~Pema Chodron

How are you ready to play?

What has inspired you in those you consider good communicators and leaders?

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Are you ready for a retreat into ‘The Silence’

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“We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.” Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

On Easter Friday, I went with my friend  on a hike with her dog. She mentioned that she wanted to try ‘Vipassana’ a retreat into silence for 10 days. I had heard of similar things that some of my other friends had attended.

My first question to her would I be able to read? Of course I knew that, ‘Vipassana‘ does not allow reading, writing, talking, listening to music or any form of communication.

I heard myself saying being silent is fine as long as I can read. Yeah, I think I can do that for may be three days, but ten full days, I doubt it.

She started sharing similar things that she needs music, or TV or books to read.

My sister puts the TV on as soon as she comes home. The TV is on but she is not watching it and probably barely listening to it. It is almost like background noise in her house.

How many of you know people amongst your friends or family who have the music or TV on though they may not be listening or watching the same.

Why do many of us find this need to be doing something at all times?

Is it to simulate our mind?

Is it to avoid the silence engulfing us? Why did I worry about not being able to read or listen to music when my friend and I were discussing about ‘Vipassana’?

Why did my friend have similar concerns?

Most common responses you are probably going to hear is

  • the silence is deafening
  • I’ve no idea what I’ll do with silence all around me
  • I need to avoid the weird thoughts that come to my mind
  • I need to quieten my mind
  • I’ll feel lonely in complete silence
  • I’ll go insane.

I was worried because I am scared of being silent with no form of communication. I’m silent many times during the day but I’m reading or working or listening to music or writing or thinking or hiking or at the gym or yoga. Although I practice Mindfulness for a short period of time in the day, I can’t imagine myself doing meditation for 10 days and just being with myself and my thoughts. The lack of a stimulant in the form of books, articles to read or music almost feels like a vacuum in the absence of not talking.

Mindfulness and the practice of meditation apparently has been known to strengthen our pre frontal cortex.

I’m piqued but not sure if I am ready to take this journey of ‘Vipassana’ yet. It is a challenge and just because it is a challenge I’m tempted to do it.

I derive a lot of strength in silence during the day and when I am ready to undertake the journey of “Vipassana”, I hope I find peace and strength from that experience.

What are your thoughts?

Have you been on a journey of ‘Silence’ ?

“The Silence” – 5 Do’s and Dont’s

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Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

How many times have you wished silence from a person sitting opposite you or in a meeting room ?

How many times have you been in an awkward moment when you realized that you should have kept silent after spitting out words in anger?

 In Silence it is important to listen and it is a communication skill in that one needs to know when not to talk or interrupt.

  1. In sales pitches, the inability to remain silent can cost the deal and many times the client relationship. Have you and your team members who are presenting to the client given an opportunity to the client to speak? Have you listened what they need?  A good sales person listens far more than they talk.
  2. You call on your friend to share a difficulty that you are going through. When you meet this friend, he starts talking about his day and how he would have handled or has handled difficulties in his life. He has barely heard you, leave alone listen. You sit there listening to his nonstop babble, when all you wanted him to do was listen – Listen silently without interruptions or judgment. Many times in life all we need is to vent out what we are going through and a person to listen.  There is a time for silence, time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.
  3. Most of us have met this person who endlessly brags about their deal striking ability or the number of places they have been or the people whom they have met. A lot of this happens without context and some of these nonstop banter may endanger the privy of confidential data.
  4. Being extremely negative about competition just to get your company to win the bid. Many times these conversations take place over a drink or dinner and damages the reputation of the company and the person.
  5. Dropping names just to show how influential you are.

There is a time and place for everything and silence in all the above situations is appropriate and necessary. It is better to use the art of silence rather than blurting out on an impulse, just to say something.

Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence – Leonardo Da Vinci

 Is Silence good or warranted in all situations ? No, absolutely not.

  1.  Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. You are the lonely one who can be the lead in your life.
  2. Never be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering, violence in any form and humiliation. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented and being neutral and silent is not the solution. The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people. Martin Luther King Jr.
  3. Never be silent when you are aware about acts of wrong doing within a company or in any other day-to-day situations.
  4. Never be silent in situations where silence may mean acceptance or consent or grant of approval.
  5. Do not be silent in the face of misunderstandings.

Silence is about mastering the art of timing. During public speaking, silence is good for the audience to think, for you to create emphasis around a new idea that you may be presenting.  Even on Social Media, you need to know that not everything needs to be shared and there is no necessity to have an opinion on every single matter or a status update on whether you are thinking, swimming, having dinner or wish to talk or doing many other things. If you need to express all of that, best to journal it or talk to yourself.

Silence is one of the great arts of communication as long as you know when and where.

It is tact that is golden, not silence. Samuel Butler

Which word or set of words will you choose to use every time you speak?

Do you need to speak every time you have an urge to say something?

Please refer my blog post on Power Of Listening – Shut Up and Listen Will Ya ?

Images : Lalita Raman

Power of Listening – Shut Up and Listen Will Ya

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“You have to learn to listen and listen to learn” ~unknown

Following my two earlier blog posts on The Art of Listening and How to Listen –  7 Simple Tips, I decided to share some of my thoughts and experiences on a Video Blog on the Power of Listening.

What is the most demanding feeling that most of us go through at a time when we are stressed and feel like we are about to breakdown. To be Listened?  The act of not listening indicates a complete disrespect and lack of focus in what the other party is saying.  Listening is not only with the ears but also with the eyes and the heart.

7 Elements of Empathy

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You have had a down and out day and the events of the day are still unfolding and the people you have come across during some of those vulnerable moments makes you feel that the world can be a punishing place. You feel unsafe to expose your feelings to others during some of those moments.

You almost feel you are falling apart, and you need your feelings to be met with love,  understanding and acceptance without judgement.

What are you looking for in such an impasse ?

Isn’t that Empathy?

Empathy is the ability of putting oneself into the mental shoes of another person to mirror connect and understand the emotions and feelings (joy or sadness)  experienced by that person at that moment in time.

Empathy involves 7 elements in my view

1. Emotional intelligence is the cognitive ability involving traits and social skills that facilitate interpersonal behavior. It involves understanding emotions including non verbal signals, body language and facial expressions. Responding appropriately to the emotions of others is key to facilitating insight.

2. Mindset – Staying human and having the right attitude to connect to another person at that moment when they need you the most.

3. Present – You are present and in the now.  It is not about the past or future but being aware about another person’s feeling at that moment.

4. Attention – Demonstrate your interest in the person through your body language, facial expression, and gestures to encourage someone to continue speaking. “Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention” ~Jim Rohn

5. To Listen – You listen to understand rather than respond.  Sometimes, in order to elicit more of a response from the other party, you need to pause and say nothing.

6. Help Encourage – Use supportive comments to get someone to continue to open up. Gestures like nodding your head, appropriate facial expressions, eye contact can accompany, “I see,” “Really,” or “Oh no” to provide the necessary encouragement for the person to continue to release the emotional turmoil they are going through.

7. You Recognize Feelings:  Feelings reveal critical aspects of what is important to a person.  Identifying an impasse by Saying, “I see that you are angry” or “I am sorry but something seems to be upsetting you,” are ways you can bring someone’s feelings out into the open.

In Summary, by empathizing you show that you care, you are listening and you are concerned of the other person’s ideas, feelings and how it has impacted the other’s perception.

Do you have any experiences to share or  views on what you think is Empathy?  Please feel free to comment. Thank you.

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