Little Things That Matter

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Top 5 Reasons to gain from “The Winter Of Our Discontent”

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Life is the best teacher and there is no preview to the various ups and downs that life presents to you in the journey with her.  No school, college or MBA can teach you how to deal with life, how you feel about your experiences and how not to be knocked out.

Many people you meet in your life tell you to be content with life. True that, but the following quote by Oscar Wilde has always been with me to make changes and facilitate growth from where I am.  “Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or nation.”

Think about this quote carefully :

When have you really challenged yourself?

When have you strived to get something done?

When have you decided to end a relationship?

When have you decided to change your job or career?

When have you made life changing decisions?

In each of these situations above, is it from discontent with the current being or situation?

Should we be discontent all the time?

No, I cringe to imagine a situation of discontent all the time because that causes negativity and being in the spiral of negativity is possibly the worst damage that you could do to yourself.

Why and when is being discontent a true guide to life :

1. Cruise Control and operating on auto pilot– In her book, My Stroke of Insight, Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D. tells us and I quote

“In addition, our minds are highly sophisticated “seek and ye shall find” instruments.  We are designed to focus in on whatever we are looking for.  If I seek red in the world then I will find it everywhere.  Perhaps just a little in the beginning, but the longer I stay focused on looking for red, then before you know it, I will see red everywhere.”

If we settle for mediocrity when we are capable of lot more, we stop to grow. Observe a child and you’ll see how Children are so enthusiastic to learn, to explore, to dare and be curious. Curiosity to learn more about different things in life, different fields and phenomena should always be there. When you stop to learn discontent should enable us to take the next step forward which is to challenge our self for something different or new. ‘Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.’ ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

2. Control your mind – the power to control your mind rests with you and none other.  If you examine life, review, renew and search for new discoveries and push your mind to reach new destinations, you’ll participate in life. Discontentment should enable us to find our inner self and go on a journey within.

3. Relationships – treasure and thank those who didn’t leave you when you needed them the most. Thank those who stood by you during your hardships. Use discontent in some of your relationships to question your own behavior, behavior of others and decide whether to work on the relationship or move on and walk away.

 4. Question – In all forms of communication, one’s impact is most effective when we pay attention to the receipt of our influence.  Questions, in my view, allows one to listen and interject at the relevant time and get the other party engaged and excited about the conversation or the subject being discussed. In the relevant context, a question constructed and asked properly acts as a catalyst. Any question is relevant if asked in the right context and enables you to determine if you can continue to push forward, pull back or change your style.

Initiate and Embrace positive change, a change that leads to growth and improvement. You can initiate change only if you are discontent about the current state of affairs in some aspect of life.

5. Gratuitous – have a sense of gratitude with what you have but never be content with the kindness that you can spread amongst others and with others.  Avoid excesses in that don’t hoard things that are not essential since they will become a source of misery. “Become a hunter of blessings, actively seeking them out in every experience and person you encounter.” ~Kate Nowak

Being discontent with anything that triggers growth, improvement and development of self  is necessary but not one that will lead to negativity and complaints without striving for a positive change.  I would say let me choose to be discontent so that I can grow, develop, and create a positive influence.

Doesn’t Self Improvement Begin With Discontent ?

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How To Take Charge Of Your Personal Growth : 10 Essentials

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“We want a world where life is preserved, and the quality of life is enriched for everybody, not only for the privileged.” ~ Isabel Allende

Personal Growth is one which I find it difficult to define because it encompasses a lot of things. When we are born, most of us are given a suitcase full of standards, acceptable behavior, things to learn,values & a whole load of do’s and don’ts. As we grow and progress in life we keep adding or throwing away some contents of this suitcase. Each of us thus become a product of the choices we have made or that we have consciously decided not to make.

How many times in your day-to-day life have you been told right from childhood, ” you can’t do this” or “you need to follow this”, or “the deadline for this project is 20 days from now”, “you need to get married by 25” or as a woman you hear “you need to behave lady like” or something similar.

We may choose to follow some of these instructions, advise or suggestions and yet others we ignore because we feel it is just gender stereotyping. However respect, being ethical and being human is something I would like to think that most of us are ingrained with while growing up. This value is further enhanced when we observe our parents, and the behavior of our community in which we socialize.

In today’s day and age I find many who have lost the basic etiquette of courtesy, and being polite.  Take the case of social media where you try to make new connections and most people love to get more and more followers. Whilst it is good to make new connections, I find it strange and disrespectful when some of them don’t even bother to acknowledge you when you RT them or react to something on their timeline (I’m not referring to trolls here). Why are we so keen to make new connections and being part of every form of social media when we can’t spend quality time on existing relationships, we don’t have time to acknowledge and ask how one is doing?

There are many who don’t give importance to loyalty and commitment to their word. People speak about change but refuse to change themselves and yet others who insult and abuse in the name of religion and ethics.

Isn’t Personal Growth about

  1. Achieving more love, belonging, better communication skills and relationships
  2. Accessing greater understanding and wisdom
  3. Aligning, anchoring and actualizing your goals
  4. Awakening the inner voice.
  5. Being a better communicator and listener and to relate to others feelings.
  6. Becoming an instrument of transformation for others
  7. Breaking through barriers, fears and limitations that hold you back. Learning how to create what you want
  8. Changing for the better. Maintain clarity and focus. Make shifts and change more quickly, with less pain. Draw out your own personal pathway to success. Know where you want to go. Know who you are and what you stand for
  9. Measuring, tracking and improving what is important
  10. Developing more self-trust and self-reliance.

Life is a journey where each of us face obstacles in pursuing goals, or in just living.   Some of us get overwhelmed with some of these hurdles and yet some of us work through these challenges and grow stronger. But isn’t life about learning, developing, growing and moving on to take new pursuits and face new challenges?

To me, personal growth is having integrity and being human.  Biggest value that any of us need to have and remember is to Be Human.   We are always one decision, one word, one reaction away from damaging what has taken us years to develop so don’t you think we need to be careful of our words and actions?

Power of Listening – Shut Up and Listen Will Ya

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“You have to learn to listen and listen to learn” ~unknown

Following my two earlier blog posts on The Art of Listening and How to Listen –  7 Simple Tips, I decided to share some of my thoughts and experiences on a Video Blog on the Power of Listening.

What is the most demanding feeling that most of us go through at a time when we are stressed and feel like we are about to breakdown. To be Listened?  The act of not listening indicates a complete disrespect and lack of focus in what the other party is saying.  Listening is not only with the ears but also with the eyes and the heart.

Do You Communicate?

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Think Twice before you speak because words carry a lot of power and will plant and influence the seed of success or failure or hurt and anger in the mind of another.

Communication is an essential ingredient in any relationship. Communication involves interest, curiosity, enthusiasm, support, values, needs, aspirations, problems and solutions.

We live in an age where we spend more time on Facebook, Twitter and other forms of Social Media and don’t even make eye contact while talking face to face with a person sitting across us because the so-called conversing on social media is more important.  We are in an age where we have conquered the highest of mountains but have to master ourselves. We have fuller minds but emptier lives.

We believe in answering a ‘How Are You’ with ‘I am Busy’. We have become more of A ‘Human Doing’ than being A ‘Human Being’.

In spite of more modes of communication we find interpersonal communication a tricky thing to manage.

So how can we improve the lives around us?  By communicating better, from the heart and making a connection with the other, by empathizing, by trusting and listening.

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1. Recognition – One of the insatiable needs of every human being is to be recognized, appreciated and cherished and made to feel that They Matter.  No matter who you are and how wealthy or famous you may be, to convey that you appreciate the other person’s perspective and acknowledge the worthiness of the other person by valuing their issues and feelings is imperative.  Day-to-day it is important to show appreciation for the efforts and actions of people with whom you are in touch with at work or in daily life. The tone used cannot be condescending and there should be sincerity in the way it is communicated.

Lolly Daskal (@lollydaskal) conducts a #leadfromwithin chat session every Tuesday at 8pm EST.  What I like most about this chat is the genuineness with which Lolly recognizes each of the participants, either by RT what they have said or thanking them.  Actions speak louder than words and she is a living example of what she believes in and professes.

2. Cross Cultural Communication –  for those who live in cosmopolitan cities or work in multinational organizations we meet and interact with people from cross cultures. Inability to recognize the cross cultural traits will result in ‘Lost In Translation’.  Many a message may be distorted through the communication process, such that even an intended compliment might even turn into an unintentional insult.

Some examples that I have heard, seen or read

* A British boy studying the language in Germany was riding the school bus home. As it was summer the bus became really hot. In a typically British way of asking for the window to be opened he implied it rather that clearly stated it so asked the boy next to him, ‘Bist du heiss?’ (Are you hot?). The boy turned and looked with a startled expression. All the other passengers started to giggle. In the end someone explained he had asked his fellow passenger if he ‘felt hot’ – i.e. was feeling passionate.

* A friend of mine had just opened his restaurant and being a chef himself, he had cooked a rather exquisite Duck dish as part of the main course of A Set Dinner menu.  All his waiters were Chinese and when the dish was ready, he asked his waiters to serve the respective tables. However soon after he had this dish returned by every table. He was rather dumbstruck only to realize soon that the way the waiters had pronounced Duck sounded like Dog.

* In Asia, it is quite common to hear people saying you are very hardworking and it is meant to be a compliment. However when a European friend of mine had just moved to Asia she was very hurt when someone remarked  ‘Jenn you are very hardworking’,  I later learnt that hardworking meant – ‘habitually working diligently and for long hours’.  Though diligently is a compliment, working long hours may not necessarily be taken as a compliment by all since it may indicate inefficiency.

It is important to present your message in a hopeful, non-judgemental, open-ended way and point to common-ground and away from differences

3. Distancing in relationships – Communication can make or mar relationships.  The little space we allow and create in relationships prevents excessive familiarity and allows breathing room within the relationship.

I enjoy meeting people from different walks of life,  making new friends and cherishing old ones.  I connect with people, friends, colleagues, family,  with enthusiasm, trust and affection.  A lot of my relationships have changed my perspective to life, and many others have inspired me to approach life with a different twist.

Each of our relationships go through highs and lows. Communication here is not about talking all the time. It is important to give and  it is equally important to know when to pull back, be it between spouses, friends, parents or in any other relationship.

Giving space in a relationship is important to nurture relationships.  In my experience, the other person actually seeks you out if he or she really cares and it is important to let yourself be missed and to miss.

Space sometimes creates a vacuum in life. It’s when relationships cross the realm of this vacuum that they fuse back together.

4. Paraphrasing – In formal communications especially in meetings or  presentations, it is important to make the content interesting and riveting. Your clarity will help you stay on track and also keep your audience’s attention. Also, decide on only one point to convey. If you try to cram in several points or messages, you run the risk of over complicating your story and diluting its power.

I was having a chat with a friend of mine yesterday on Twitter and she made a very apt comment on the art of communication ” Bad Communication makes minutes seem like ages.”

Paraphrasing in meetings or in a conversation helps

– to show the other person you have been listening to what they are saying
– to check meaning and interpretation

5. Non verbal communication – to be aware of how your own non verbal behaviors like body language, eye expression or facial expressions may impact or facilitate the communication. It is necessary to

– be aware of the message your body language can convey
– have an open posture
– match eye contact. I find people who don’t make eye contact whilst talking to me very offensive and as if they are trying to hide facts.
– match pacing, use silence

In conclusion, Effective communication skills are a function of our interpersonal effectiveness.  Some of these interpersonal skills include Authenticity, Empathy, Unconditional support, Insight (perceive, understand and relate), curiosity, Listening, courage and willingness to offer feedback, ability to confront others without insulting.

What do you think. Are there any essential elements of communication that you would like to add ? Please share in the comments box. Thank you.

Freedom Of Speech

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Mr. Kapil Sibal,

Freedom of speech and expression is a natural right guaranteed under the Article 19 (1) (a) of the Constitution of India. Freedom of speech and expression implies the right to express one’s thoughts and ideas freely via any medium, such as gestures, signs, verbal communication, print media, radio or television.

The Supreme Court has broadened the scope of the right to freedom of speech and expression. It has held that the government has NO Monopoly over the electronic media.

Mr. Kapil Sibal, in the interest to protect the Nehru-Gandhi family and the Congress, you have led yourself out-of-bounds by intervening with the basic rights given to the citizens of India in the Freedom of Speech, by the Constitution, when you recently asked that content on Twitter, Facebook & Google be pre-screened.

As a minister who supposedly has been appointed to deliver your duties to the country, have you forgotten that changing the Constitution per your whim & fancy is not part of that duty!

On the internet, through Tweets, Facebook, there is a democratic discussion on what the political parties do or what they don’t do? After all isn’t democracy By the people, For the people and Of the people. Who are you to Stop this?

Mr.Sibal, if you are that concerned about vulgarity shouldn’t your Government be concerned about the daily Dowry Deaths, 90 innocent people dying from a fire because someone decided to flout every rule, about the increasing violence against women, about Female feticide, about the rampant corruption existing in every walk of life, about the distrust that your Government has created by taking a U-turn on FDI.

Or you consider free & frank discussion re: deaths, violence & other forms of mishaps caused by the act of some corrupt official vulgar because they are too candid for you to digest ?

Have you as a minister looked at where the Economic Development of Our country is going? We seemed to be mired in political tussle on a daily basis at the cost of economic growth & development.

Surely you seemed extra concerned on the power of the Internet. Only one with guilt would be worried about the Impact of the conversations on Twitter, Facebook & other social media.

We Indians have always been proud of and boasted about our freedom of speech which is missing in dictatorship countries like China. Recently, when Pakistan tried to impose ban on some words to be used in SMS, I laughed at the thought little realizing that our minister would also sneakily find ways and means to censor and control content on the Internet.

Why don’t you endeavor to instill the good practices of countries like China and Pakistan rather than adopt the not favored practices of censorship.

Mr. Sibal, remember that the more you curtail and the more you hide, you will only be opening the doors of revolution and protest.

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Do not be a hurdle to a true democratic process and don’t intervene in the rights granted by Our Constitution.

From A Citizen Of India

Steps To Help Women Facing Violence & Abuse

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As we draw close to the Violence Against Women Awareness Month (VAWAM), we have heard many heart rendering real life stories and experiences and some of the women have been able to come out of the situation and others have been able to arrive at a reconciliation with their partners after an open communication and dialiogue with their partner and his family members.  But, there are many a case both in rural and urban India where we still face dowry deaths and killing in the name of so called Honor.

We have also had Eve Teasing & Street Harassment incidents which have resulted in the death of a boy who fought against these elements of violence.

While it is imperative that we use the existing legislations and have the authorities and police play their role in safeguarding the life of a woman and give her the adequate protection, it is important that mindsets are changed among women and men re: treatment of women, treatment of a girl child, saying no to child marriage and child birth and also saying No to Dowry.

I thought I should put together some points together as to how we as a society we can help reduce the Violence Against Women, By no means is this list suppsoed to be exhaustive but I hope it serves as an overall guide. 

1. Never be a silent spectator to any incidents of abuse or violence against women. A silent spectator is as good as the oppressor. Bottomline Nip it in The Bud.

2. Assess the situation and call for help so that you and the victim’s life is not in danger, Call for help from a friend or authorities. But in the fearof protecting your life do not run away from the situation and turn abound eye.

3. Volunteer to raise awareness re: Violence Against Women. There are various organizations like Bell Bajao, Prajnya which are organizations that are involved in these Efforts already. They need help and like volunteers in promoting the cause to reduce Violence Against Women. 

4. Blogging in India is done by almost everybody.- use blogs, Tweets& Facebook pages to publish information which can help women in situations of violence.

5. Make a note of these Organizations in Various Parts of India whose help you could use to help someone faving domestic violence or any other form of violence

I. 4 Bangalore, #India, Helplines & Support for Women in India facing dowry threats & other violence. Link. 

II. #Chennai #India listing of helplines for women in need by @prajnya Link

III. In India, call 1091 for help with Domestic Violence -Women’s Helpline taking care of women & Bell_Bajao & Link  

IV. Additional resources for help

V. Complaints can be made if you see people giving or taking or asking dowry –Link

6. A Women facing domestic abuse and violence should make herself aware abou her Legal Rights – this link thanks to Bell_Bajao – Link

7. If the authorities are not taking interest in filing an FIR or prosecuting an oppressor.. start a petition and get support.  Get the help of Twitter & Facebook to get more signatories. 

8. It is just not women who can stop violence but the participation of men is essential. Men can stop violence, Men listen to men and men can help survivors. I paste here a link again thanks to Bell Bajao. Link

9. Our education curriculum needs to stress the importance of women and what behavior by men are considered violence. Several times Boys who witness violence while growing up are the most common perpetrator’of violence against women later on in life.

10. Have more number of ladies special compartments in trains and also frequent bus services in remote location which are prone to eve teasing and street harassment.

11. Seek the help of legal counsellers, NGOs and it is imperative that family & society also do not reject a woman who has been raped. 

A link to one of the NGOs in Delhi for example thanks to Bell Bajao. Link

12. Use forums like kitty parties or Book clubs, cooking classes to raise awareness re: violence against women.  

Violence Against Women can only reduce if each of us work towards stopping women being abused & disrespected. The preference of boys over girls mindset has to change in our society & this is only possible through awareness sessions, implementation of penalties for various forms of violence. 

Sexual & emotional are not even considered violence, but they are and we need to make an appeal so that these are considered violence.  Research shows physical & verbal abuse are only considered violence. Pls read Link

You, I, Us are responsible to ensure that women are treated with respect & not abused.