Little Things That Matter

Learn From The Past, Live The Present and Have An Open Mind to Face Tomorrow

Are You Living Your Authenticity?

By 6 Comments

Lalita Raman

In this age of information and technology overload, there are many times each of us possibly feel that we are on a hamster wheel, one that we are unable to get off. We try to copy others who we think are a role model of our definition of success. We go to spas, movies and seek various avenues to run away into this so-called fantasy land.

What do we need most at this juncture?

A journey within, to follow the inner voice that has both gentleness and clarity and helps you find who you really are.  We need to be bold and courageous to follow this inner journey, to face who we are, what we are capable of, what we are uncomfortable with and be true and honest to the inner core.

When you go through adversity in your life, your real character is tested. Authenticity is who you are, how you relate to others, discovering your talents, your own energies and passions. Being who you are is when your audio, video and thoughts are all in sync. There is no mask or different strokes for different people.

I believe that authenticity doesn’t come from status, titles, qualifications, or the amount that you have in your bank account but 
authenticity is:

  • 
to Know
  • to Be 

  • to Accept
  • 
to Create

                     Yourself

Keys To Authenticity

1. Self awareness – knowing who you are and being you and finding contentment and fulfillment in that. It also relates to how you relate to others and the way they see you. If you truly know yourself, and project yourself in the same way, others perception of you will be the same as what you know “you” to be.

2. Talents – find out what you are capable of, passionate about, and what appeals to you. Discover your talents and develop them.

3. Lead with your soul – you’ll make an impact on others only if you empower yourself to lead with your soul, your inner voice and accept who you are. Your inner drive is the one that will steer you through doubts, fears and negative energy.

Throughout our life we need to question our beliefs, learnings, see around us and listen to the reality that surrounds us.

There is no point doing yoga or meditation or charity and considering yourself authentic, if you don’t know how to be courteous to your neighbor, your surroundings and respect the living space around you.

Have you asked these questions of yourself ?
1. What would you like to do?
2. When you like what you do, what does that mean to you ?
3. When you don’t have what you like what does that mean to you ?
4. Do you have passion and enthusiasm in doing what you are doing?
5. Do you have the talents and skills to do what you love doing? Are you willing to develop those talents once you have discovered them

“The Silence” – 5 Do’s and Dont’s

By Leave a Comment

IMG_3014

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

How many times have you wished silence from a person sitting opposite you or in a meeting room ?

How many times have you been in an awkward moment when you realized that you should have kept silent after spitting out words in anger?

 In Silence it is important to listen and it is a communication skill in that one needs to know when not to talk or interrupt.

  1. In sales pitches, the inability to remain silent can cost the deal and many times the client relationship. Have you and your team members who are presenting to the client given an opportunity to the client to speak? Have you listened what they need?  A good sales person listens far more than they talk.
  2. You call on your friend to share a difficulty that you are going through. When you meet this friend, he starts talking about his day and how he would have handled or has handled difficulties in his life. He has barely heard you, leave alone listen. You sit there listening to his nonstop babble, when all you wanted him to do was listen – Listen silently without interruptions or judgment. Many times in life all we need is to vent out what we are going through and a person to listen.  There is a time for silence, time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.
  3. Most of us have met this person who endlessly brags about their deal striking ability or the number of places they have been or the people whom they have met. A lot of this happens without context and some of these nonstop banter may endanger the privy of confidential data.
  4. Being extremely negative about competition just to get your company to win the bid. Many times these conversations take place over a drink or dinner and damages the reputation of the company and the person.
  5. Dropping names just to show how influential you are.

There is a time and place for everything and silence in all the above situations is appropriate and necessary. It is better to use the art of silence rather than blurting out on an impulse, just to say something.

Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence – Leonardo Da Vinci

 Is Silence good or warranted in all situations ? No, absolutely not.

  1.  Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. You are the lonely one who can be the lead in your life.
  2. Never be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering, violence in any form and humiliation. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented and being neutral and silent is not the solution. The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people. Martin Luther King Jr.
  3. Never be silent when you are aware about acts of wrong doing within a company or in any other day-to-day situations.
  4. Never be silent in situations where silence may mean acceptance or consent or grant of approval.
  5. Do not be silent in the face of misunderstandings.

Silence is about mastering the art of timing. During public speaking, silence is good for the audience to think, for you to create emphasis around a new idea that you may be presenting.  Even on Social Media, you need to know that not everything needs to be shared and there is no necessity to have an opinion on every single matter or a status update on whether you are thinking, swimming, having dinner or wish to talk or doing many other things. If you need to express all of that, best to journal it or talk to yourself.

Silence is one of the great arts of communication as long as you know when and where.

It is tact that is golden, not silence. Samuel Butler

Which word or set of words will you choose to use every time you speak?

Do you need to speak every time you have an urge to say something?

Please refer my blog post on Power Of Listening – Shut Up and Listen Will Ya ?

Images : Lalita Raman

Four Little Known Personality Traits That Could Affect Your Relationships

By Leave a Comment

Picture a scenario in a playground or in a jail where a large bulky kid beats up a small kid or a large honcho in a jail victimizes a relatively weak soul. Most of us can easily associate with this character, called The Bully

Bullies are one we either witness as a child or one some of us may have been victimized by.

In organizations as well we do face bullies but the behavior is not in the form of beating up somebody physically.

The Karpman Triangle describes some habitual roles or positions that people tend to take up in a negative situation or while in conflict. This model suggests that each of us display unconsciously motivated behavioral patterns with the people whom we are in contact with.  There is an unconscious belief/s that drives our behaviors or actions which causes or contributes to evoke a feeling.  This feeling augments beliefs or perceptions about ourselves and others and how we fit in and how we are treated.   Most of these beliefs or perceptions are negative.   The model posts three habitual psychological roles. But research by some of the Coaching Institutes have added a fourth behavior.

The three roles are : Bully, Victim, Rescuer and the Fourth one being Seducer. How do you recognize people who display traits of each of the 4 categories,

Each of us at various times do play some of these roles depending on the situation but the concern is when the drama traits become a dominant factor.

As Coaches, we do meet clients who may display some of these traits on a dominant basis.

Insecurity, feeling unwanted expressed in ways of helplessness or acting very busy or acting as if they are the most important are traits which need to be addressed. 

For the Full Post Please Click the Link 

Image 1 Source

Image 2 Source

How To Take Charge Of Your Personal Growth : 10 Essentials

By Leave a Comment

“We want a world where life is preserved, and the quality of life is enriched for everybody, not only for the privileged.” ~ Isabel Allende

Personal Growth is one which I find it difficult to define because it encompasses a lot of things. When we are born, most of us are given a suitcase full of standards, acceptable behavior, things to learn,values & a whole load of do’s and don’ts. As we grow and progress in life we keep adding or throwing away some contents of this suitcase. Each of us thus become a product of the choices we have made or that we have consciously decided not to make.

How many times in your day-to-day life have you been told right from childhood, ” you can’t do this” or “you need to follow this”, or “the deadline for this project is 20 days from now”, “you need to get married by 25” or as a woman you hear “you need to behave lady like” or something similar.

We may choose to follow some of these instructions, advise or suggestions and yet others we ignore because we feel it is just gender stereotyping. However respect, being ethical and being human is something I would like to think that most of us are ingrained with while growing up. This value is further enhanced when we observe our parents, and the behavior of our community in which we socialize.

In today’s day and age I find many who have lost the basic etiquette of courtesy, and being polite.  Take the case of social media where you try to make new connections and most people love to get more and more followers. Whilst it is good to make new connections, I find it strange and disrespectful when some of them don’t even bother to acknowledge you when you RT them or react to something on their timeline (I’m not referring to trolls here). Why are we so keen to make new connections and being part of every form of social media when we can’t spend quality time on existing relationships, we don’t have time to acknowledge and ask how one is doing?

There are many who don’t give importance to loyalty and commitment to their word. People speak about change but refuse to change themselves and yet others who insult and abuse in the name of religion and ethics.

Isn’t Personal Growth about

  1. Achieving more love, belonging, better communication skills and relationships
  2. Accessing greater understanding and wisdom
  3. Aligning, anchoring and actualizing your goals
  4. Awakening the inner voice.
  5. Being a better communicator and listener and to relate to others feelings.
  6. Becoming an instrument of transformation for others
  7. Breaking through barriers, fears and limitations that hold you back. Learning how to create what you want
  8. Changing for the better. Maintain clarity and focus. Make shifts and change more quickly, with less pain. Draw out your own personal pathway to success. Know where you want to go. Know who you are and what you stand for
  9. Measuring, tracking and improving what is important
  10. Developing more self-trust and self-reliance.

Life is a journey where each of us face obstacles in pursuing goals, or in just living.   Some of us get overwhelmed with some of these hurdles and yet some of us work through these challenges and grow stronger. But isn’t life about learning, developing, growing and moving on to take new pursuits and face new challenges?

To me, personal growth is having integrity and being human.  Biggest value that any of us need to have and remember is to Be Human.   We are always one decision, one word, one reaction away from damaging what has taken us years to develop so don’t you think we need to be careful of our words and actions?

8 Keys To A Relationship

By Leave a Comment

 

Photo Credits : Lalita Raman

Photo Credits : Lalita Raman

Those who fly solo often have the strongest wings – Unknown

I’ve always been enamored by this quote and to a very great extent it is true in terms of decisions and choices we make, the way we overcome a situation, and overall how we deal with the journey of life. However, we are not born alone, we live in a society, we live with other people like you and me and life teaches us that…

“Tough, you think you’ve got the stuff, You’re telling me and anyone, You’re hard enough,You don’t have to put up a fight,You don’t have to always be right, Let me take some of the punches,For you tonight, Listen to me now, I need to let you know,You don’t have to go it alone.”

Quoted from the U2 lyrics of ‘Sometimes You Can’t Make it On Your Own‘

Relationships to me means someone with whom you can share your completeness, be it a friend, a life partner, sister, brother, mother or father. A relationship should be one that recognizes you for what you are, challenges you, and allows you to grow.

I enjoy meeting people from different walks of life, from different countries because it enriches and inspires me. Some of these acquaintances have changed my perspective on life, have helped me overcome inhibitions, apprehensions and if nothing else has helped me become aware of my own strengths and uniqueness.

What are the keys to any relationship:

1. Space – the little space we allow and create in each of our relationships, be it a friend, spouse, sister, brother or parents, keeps it healthy and allows the relationship to nurture and grow.

2. Giving – no relationship can be one way. Being human, relationships go through highs and lows.  Each of us are driven by sensitivity, feelings and emotions. It is important to ‘give’ in a relationship, but you also need to know when to walk away or pull back.

3. Forgiving – we do get hurt from some relationships and as hard as it may be, it is best to forgive for our own peace of mind. The burden of carrying that hurt and anger is so heavy that we forget to be compassionate to ourselves. Forgiveness is just saying “I’m not going to allow what you did to me to ruin my life and growth.”

4. Worthy – You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in someone’s life. Just like you don’t like to be forced into making space for someone in your life, don’t force someone to do the same. You are worthy and if the other person knows your worth they will make sure they see you in their life.  I’m a firm believer of relationships which stands the test of time and distance and resulting from a genuine need and desire for togetherness rather than by imposition and demand for an everlasting bond.

5. You Matter –  we are courteous and polite to our office colleagues and strangers on the road, but forget to extend the same to people who have been with us through thick and thin. We forget to thank them, recognize their presence and very often take them for granted. Imagine the joy you would feel if people with whom you have stood by acknowledge to you “You Matter”. Never make people in your life feel unwanted. Life is short and never miss an opportunity to show your gratitude.

6. Cris-cross – not every person you meet may be your cup of tea. Some will use you, some will inspire you, some will test you and some will be with you for the long run. Let go of those who decide to walk away for your own peace.

7. Communication – honesty and open communication is something we often take for granted. We allow our egos and pride to come in between relationships. We build walls rather than bridges. We live once, there may never be a tomorrow. Why hold on to ego and pride? No matter what or who you are, your attitude is the most important to keep a relationship healthy.

8. Gender – more often than not, men respond differently than women in relationships be it as a friend or spouse. Most men prefer to be curt and may not engage in niceties. That does not necessarily mean they don’t care. However most women, no matter how hectic their schedule may be between work and home commitments, find time to inquire about the overall well-being of the other. Women more often than not tend to share every detail of their day with their partner or friend and many times probably expect the same from the opposite sex be it a life partner or friend. Sometimes, our need for excessive communication can be draining leading to fatigue in a relationship.

Life has taught me that we need to give space even to our closest relationships. Each of us, man or woman, have our roles to play in life and none of us can get extra clingy. We need to allow and create the vacuum to grow the relationship.

Bottom-line a relationship can grow if it allows self acceptance, encouragement, give and take, emotional support and there is respect for each other.

10 Hurdles To Emotional Learning

By Leave a Comment

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bustling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity ~ Dale Carnegie

When I say Emotions, you almost immediately associate ‘Anger’ and ‘Sad’ as the synonyms.  Emotion is the mental state and this could be positive or negative.

There are seven major positive emotions : desire, faith, sex, enthusiasm, hope, love, romance.  And the seven major negative emotions are : anger, fear, jealousy, hatred, revenge, greed, superstition.

Our brains harbor a lot of emotions and it is the negative emotions that is worrying.  The amygdala  is most commonly associated with fear and anxiety.  Each of us have a chronic or habitual emotional level that determines the overall well-being or satisfaction.  If a threat is perceived,  the amygdala tends to hijack the reasoned response process.  We have certain triggers-things that cause us to have an emotional reaction and elicit our innate ‘fight of flight’ response.  This limits our capacity to think clearly and causes us to move to default behaviors that may not be skillful or effective.

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the cognitive ability involving traits and social skills that facilitate interpersonal behavior.  The four main components of EI are : Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness, Relationship Management.

Our emotional level, thus is the manifested frequency level of everything and anything that is real (perceivable) to us in our world and actual life’s experiences.

Have you wondered as to Why are these negative emotions triggered?

1. Change  results in discomfort and stress – a lot of us expect life to be easy and when challenges and hurdles come along, it overwhelms us and may cause negative reactions.

2. Human Being rather than Human Doing – we forget many times that what really matters in each of our lives is what we are, what we build and what we share.  Living life with a passion and being your true self is the most important.

3. Relationships – many times we tend to chase people though they may have shown no interest in building and maintaining relationships. In our busy lives we ever so often forget to make time for those who matter the most.  We allow our pride and ego to be the mainstay of relationships and taking those, who have been with us through thick and thin,  for granted.  This leads to disappointments and triggers a lot of negative emotions.

4. Allowing our mind to control us – life is not perfect and sometimes we allow a bad moment, or a bad day to take control of our state of mind and the reactions to other unrelated events of the day.

5. Help – not asking for help when you need it desperately.  Each of us need help and cannot survive in isolation.

6. Know when to walk away and when not to give up – many times we hold onto things without asking ourselves the utility value in the same.

7. Surrounding ourselves with people who make us unhappy and drain our energy out – ignore those who hassle you, stalk you, embarrass you and step beyond the boundaries of decent behavior on social media and in real life.

8. Not being accountable & responsible – not walking the talk which leads to distrust and guilt. We loose our identity by not learning to say,  ‘No’ resulting in over committing and under delivery.

9. Not taking a break– many of us get into the rigmarole of  doing too much without pausing. In that we live without enjoying the simple pleasures that life has to offer. We are stressed out, irritable and a vicious circle ensues.

10. Focusing on past – allowing our past to continue to dominate us to such an extent that we become victims of it.  We focus on the negatives, loosing ourselves in the problem.  More often than not,  we repeatedly point to our unhappy circumstances to rationalize our negative feelings. This is the easy way out. It takes, after all, very little effort to feel victimized.   But the negative thinking and behavior hurts only one person the most and that is “You”.

So how do we deal with our Emotions especially those that trigger a negative response.

Adaptability is all about recovering from the anxiety  & adversity that change initially brings & then having the flexibility to move ahead vigorously.

I find that one way to practice this idea is to write or think about a good experience. Not only does this remind me that there’s life beyond bad feelings, but it also serves as an emotional anchor.   I find my memory can become a positive emotional reference point, to remind me of the range of possibilities when I am at my worst feeling down and out.

Refer my post on Twelve Ways to Inspire Yourself When You Are Feeling Down and Out

The role emotions play in shaping thinking accounts for a large part of why we see a failure of good thinking in most leaders.  You are free to choose behaviors that are truly in your own best interests.

We all have so much to give. We just need to consciously choose to access and share it.  When we give good vibes, good thoughts,  and a smile, we generally get it back.  Recognizing emotions is the basis of self-knowledge and interaction. An emotion comes up to the conscious level when we are ready to manage it.  I like to think emotions as colors, some simple, and yet others are blends.

Emotional memory management enables us to manage our emotions in a way that will produce more positive outcomes.  It is the “habits of mind” that reveal intellectual character.  Please watch my video on “Emotional Blindspots‘.

The 3 core development steps for all Leaders are:  Knowing Yourself, Choosing Yourself and Giving Yourself.  What do you think ?

7 Elements of Empathy

By 1 Comment

You have had a down and out day and the events of the day are still unfolding and the people you have come across during some of those vulnerable moments makes you feel that the world can be a punishing place. You feel unsafe to expose your feelings to others during some of those moments.

You almost feel you are falling apart, and you need your feelings to be met with love,  understanding and acceptance without judgement.

What are you looking for in such an impasse ?

Isn’t that Empathy?

Empathy is the ability of putting oneself into the mental shoes of another person to mirror connect and understand the emotions and feelings (joy or sadness)  experienced by that person at that moment in time.

Empathy involves 7 elements in my view

1. Emotional intelligence is the cognitive ability involving traits and social skills that facilitate interpersonal behavior. It involves understanding emotions including non verbal signals, body language and facial expressions. Responding appropriately to the emotions of others is key to facilitating insight.

2. Mindset – Staying human and having the right attitude to connect to another person at that moment when they need you the most.

3. Present – You are present and in the now.  It is not about the past or future but being aware about another person’s feeling at that moment.

4. Attention – Demonstrate your interest in the person through your body language, facial expression, and gestures to encourage someone to continue speaking. “Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention” ~Jim Rohn

5. To Listen – You listen to understand rather than respond.  Sometimes, in order to elicit more of a response from the other party, you need to pause and say nothing.

6. Help Encourage – Use supportive comments to get someone to continue to open up. Gestures like nodding your head, appropriate facial expressions, eye contact can accompany, “I see,” “Really,” or “Oh no” to provide the necessary encouragement for the person to continue to release the emotional turmoil they are going through.

7. You Recognize Feelings:  Feelings reveal critical aspects of what is important to a person.  Identifying an impasse by Saying, “I see that you are angry” or “I am sorry but something seems to be upsetting you,” are ways you can bring someone’s feelings out into the open.

In Summary, by empathizing you show that you care, you are listening and you are concerned of the other person’s ideas, feelings and how it has impacted the other’s perception.

Do you have any experiences to share or  views on what you think is Empathy?  Please feel free to comment. Thank you.

Image 1 Source 

Image 2 Source 

Image 3 Source

The Art of Listening

By 4 Comments

“Many a man would rather you heard his story than granted his request.”—Phillip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield.

Each of us go through a lot of stress each day.  Most of us start our day early, go to work, and we know each day that we need to get adequate sleep, we need to exercise, probably meet few friends, eat  a meal, read, listen to music, make time for family & near and dear ones and how can we forget the need to keep up to date on social media. And there are many days where demands from work could be challenging.

Most of  us have a stressful day, which could be good stress or bad stress. However there is a very thin line between good and bad stress. Many times it may be an innocent email or a response from someone or waiting in a traffic jam that sets the trigger for an outburst that is beyond our control. And we complain, we get irritable and that possibly sets a contagion effect on many around us.

But what is the most demanding feeling that most of us go through at a time when we are stressed and feel like we are about to breakdown. To be Listened?

What if at a vulnerable moment someone reached out to you in an act of generosity and listened to you or gave you a hug or volunteered to share your work, wouldn’t we feel nice?

1. Listen- To Listen without judgement, without competing and contributing. Just being there for somebody in heart and soul. True understanding lies in empathizing with the other’s person’s challenge.

I was at the Samaritans pre-selection course last Sunday and during the full day selection procedure, biggest take away for me was that we all can be Samaritans on a daily basis to our near and dear ones, and to our colleagues.

I respect the Samaritans for the service that they run, where they don’t know the caller and yet listen without any contributions or tipping the caller in the wrong way especially the vulnerable ones.

2. Empathize – We can acknowledge what each other is facing by just listening in and making sure that the other party knows that you understand that they are in a tough spot.  Basically acknowledge that you hear what they are saying without contributing your opinion.

3. Help Out – Where the situation demands and you think you can help out, offer to help the person out no matter if this person is your spouse, friend or a colleague.

I know it made my day just being at the Samaritans pre-selection program. Think about a day when someone has listened to you and has made you feel good.  Act of listening to another person makes the listener feel a sense of happiness.

We all can offer this on a daily basis especially in today’s world where we hide behind Social Media and chats.  Let’s not lose the personal touch.  The most basic of all human needs is to understand and be understood.  The best way to understand someone is to listen.

“Effective listeners remember that “words have no meaning – people have meaning.” The assignment of meaning to a term is an internal process; meaning comes from inside us. And although our experiences, knowledge and attitudes differ, we often misinterpret each other’s messages while under the illusion that a common understanding has been achieved.”Lary Barker 

Why are we so fickle?

By Leave a Comment

I’ve often wondered why we go out of our way to please, impress & flatter people we barely know. I’ve met many people in my life who try to form a relationship & when you do get to know them, they trash you – basic nature being to Hook & Trash !!!

Even on Twitter many fancy false followers & feel thrilled that they have crossed 2k or 14k or what have you. There are very few who actually make an effort to engage in a conversation & make an effort to form a relationship.

While there is nothing wrong with getting to know someone or networking, don’t we need to look for deeper relationships rather than make every relationship a business deal??

Once a relationship is formed, one needs to maintain & treasure it. Relationships needs to be nurtured & caressed with love just like a plant that needs to be watered & looked after on a daily basis.

The following quote by Ella Wheeler Wilcox summarizes the fickle world we live in,

“There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found
While journeying east and west –
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.” ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Please feel free to share your thoughts on this …….