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9 Certain Ways To Deal With Difficult Conversations

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“I get tense and don’t look forward to the conversation I am going to have with my boss. She doesn’t seem to listen and I feel my tongue is tied and I leave the conversation or meeting with a lot of pent-up feelings and emotions.” This was one of my clients expressing her frustration in managing conversations with her boss.

Have you been in situations where you need to tell somebody something and yet don’t wish to spoil the relationship? Difficult conversations are not something most of us look forward to and yet they are part of our life.

I was in the midst of a difficult conversation with a colleague of mine, two weeks back. The first conversation didn’t go too well, with him doing all the talking and telling. I was cautious and at the end of the conversation realized that I had not expressed myself in the way I wanted to.

I had let my emotions take the better of me and did not permit my rational brain to have a clear, concise and assertive conversation. After the meeting, I asked myself several questions and I practiced on myself the same questions I ask of my clients whilst coaching them.

Tips To Deal With Difficult Conversations

1. Be present

This is crucial and I started off with this point because this is what helped me in my follow-up conversation with my colleague. Being present is essential to listen, to observe, to ask questions and be emotionally connected. It is easy to be lost in your own thoughts and rushing to say what you have to say especially if your brain is telling you to do it and you could not express yourself in your first conversation or past conversations with this person. I had listened to my colleague and yet I guess there was something in me that was not present and maybe I was so lost in my thoughts that I did not express myself or ask the right questions and allowed my judgment to color my thoughts.

We make observations and impressions about people and sometimes these become assertions. And we turn these assertions into facts. We may have formed an opinion about a person based on our past experience and we tend to make that as an assertion and convince ourselves that they are whom we assert them to be.

My colleague was doing this in our first conversation and instead of empathetically listening to him, I let my emotions take the better of me. Being present means to listen in mind-body and soul and adapt to the conversation that is happening between you and the other person instead of what is happening within your head. Cut out all forms of distraction and give your undivided attention.

2. Deal with emotions

We are emotional beings and some conversations trigger emotions in us and the other party. This is one of the most important reasons, why we don’t like to engage in difficult conversations. The way to deal with emotions, either in yourself or in the other person, is to name them: ‘I see you’re mad about that’ or ‘I feel sad about what happened’. When you call out emotions like that, you acknowledge it and facilitate an environment to talk about them. This is way better than getting lost in the destruction of the wave of emotion. To cool down your own emotion and not allow that to hijack the conversation, you may want to drink water or take a break in a manner that is most appropriate to that situation.

3.Think before you speak

Being aware about ours and others emotions not only helps us to recognise the emotions but also think before we speak. Think about why we think the way we think. This helps in situations where you may not be prepared or where you are prepared and the conversation may not be going along the path you expected. Asking the right questions also helps you to think and get more data to support your point of view.

4.Avoid words like But and However

Many conversations in our daily life starts with I appreciate your point of view ‘BUT’. I used to do this too and now I have become aware and consciously avoid using them even in daily conversations that may not be difficult. Words like ‘But’ and ‘However’, nullify what has been expressed before. Use ‘And’ instead. By using ‘ And’, you recognize that there could be another point of view and perspective. When you use ‘And’, you are indicating an inclusive stance, instead of using words which express that you are the only one that’s right.

5.Remind yourself of the ‘Why’

Setting yourself an intention before going into any conversation helps and if somebody catches you unawares, then during the conversation think of the Why. 

What is your #intention and why are you choosing to say what you say or not say? #leadfromwithin

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6.Respect

How you say, what you say is equally important.

The #words you choose and the #tone you use are equally important #communication #EI

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The nicest words will not land well if your tone and body language does not indicate the genuineness of what you are saying.

7.Clarify

We may be interpreting something based on our bias and the fact is we are all biased. We don’t need to run away with our bias to make interpretations which may exemplify the conflict. Clarify and ask questions. Clarify by paraphrasing and this allows you to check your understanding and show the person that you are listening.

8.Follow-Up

To ignore is easy. We are human and like to be paid importance to. Check-in with the person the day after or within a reasonable period of time. And if you felt that a proper closure did not happen in your last conversation, do it again if necessary.

9.Trust Your Gut

Your instinct and intuition is your best guide and go by it, If you feel you need to have another conversation, call on the person and say, “I feel we didn’t end on a good note” or “I feel I didn’t get a chance to express my point of view”. “Would you be open to sparing a few minutes, so that I can explain it better”?

My follow-up conversation with my colleague was smoother and both of us expressed what we had to say and we are still communicating and our relationship has got better for sure.

Our brain’s main function is to keep us alive and the one overriding basic principle of the brain’s operation is that all brains are constantly on the lookout for threat – and will continuously move ‘away’ from anything perceived as a threat and ‘toward’ anything perceived as a reward. This is our basic survival mechanism. Manage your brain and don’t cut yourself short by dreading difficult conversations.

The above are some tips. How do YOU deal with ‘Difficult Conversations’?

I work with clients to enhance their communication, self-confidence and in turn their executive presence. If you want to learn more please feel to connect with me.

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5 Sure Ways To Manage Procrastination

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Source : National Geographic

As an entrepreneur and freelance consultant, I envision and strive to connect with my clients and grow my business and reach.

Growing my business and its reach is also a challenge, I need to face and overcome on a daily basis, and on some days I tend to procrastinate on better or improved ways to do it. I ask myself as to where I can grow and do better and thus push myself beyond my comfort zone.

Whilst I enjoy coaching, facilitating, speaking and designing workshops and preparing content for it, there are other activities that I usually tend to put away. Activities such as networking, finding clients who will benefit from coaching, writing my book (work in process), though I enjoy, I tend to push it away to either a later time or even worse, to a later day.

I think this happens because many times, my brain doesn’t see the immediate reward and thus it triggers various emotions such as self-criticizing, judgment, frustration and self-doubt.

Many clients whom I coach face a common barrier in time management and procrastination. Their barriers could result from lack of motivation, being a victim to  “The Tyranny of the Urgent”, or not being committed to what they want to achieve.

⇒How do you motivate yourself to take that next step?
⇒What can you do to manage your time in a day better?
⇒What are some of the reasons for not feeling a sense of urgency to accomplish a goal?
⇒How driven are you by your list of things to do? Are you able to see the link between what you need to do in order to get what you want?
⇒How are you managing your conflicting emotions and thus your brain to move forward and not procrastinate?

What strategies can you use to give you that adrenalin to “Just Do It”?

 

1. Use of words

What words are you using with respect to the activity that you are procrastinating on?

Is it necessity words like should be/do, must do, have to do, ought to, Or
probability words like could do, can do, may do, I will try, I might be able to Or
possibility words like I want to, I love to, I like to, will do

2. Feelings

Once you have Identified the words you use to activities which you tend to drag your feet on, ask yourself what feelings do those words generate in you? What emotions do those feelings generate? What do you do with those emotions? Do you get into a critical mood or a self-pity mode? How is that helping you? Acknowledge your feelings and emotions and what are some of the ways you can best manage that.

3. The Past

On activities that you have procrastinated on, in the past, what changed for you to get it done? How did you motivate yourself? What words did you use? Did you seek guidance or advise from a friend or mentor?

4. The “Why”

Ask yourself what is the purpose of what you are doing? Linking to the why I do what I do helps me to continue my journey towards achieving my goal and vision though I may not be necessarily motivated with each and every aspect of that path. 

Reminding myself of “The Why” keeps me focused and gives me the #clarity and sense of direction.

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5. Manage

We are emotional beings and it is not possible to live without emotions nor suppress them. What we can do is to manage our emotions. Find the why, small rewards that keeps me going, taking a break, asking what is in that activity that triggers the emotions are some of the ways I find it useful to manage my procrastination. Writing down your ideal day and your day as is will help you identify the gaps and help you overcome them. Whose help or what resources do you need to give you that boost to move forward?

6. Mindfulness

We think we multitask. Science has proved that our brains cannot multi task. Two activities that require us to use our executive center of the brain, The Pre-Frontal Cortex, cannot be done at the same time. When we engage in multitasking, we overwhelm our brain and that results in lack of focus and thus in not delivering the desired results.

#Mindfulness is a great way to bring focus back to our task in hand #leadfromwithin

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What strategies have you adopted to get over procrastination?
How do you motivate yourself to do the tasks which are necessary but you may not be excited about?

Let’s connect to continue the conversation.

Co Author of the Book “Energize Your Leadership”  Buy Now

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Why Brand You, Brand Your Organization Matters In Your Success?

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Excerpt from my “Energize Your Leadership” chapter.

For me, identifying and connecting to my vision, helped me Energized My Brand and What I do.

I was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at the age of 8. I gradually learned what it means to live as a diabetic, from adapting my diet to self- injecting insulin doses daily. You could say I had a head start in resiliency-building, learning along the way that I did not have to let the process of managing my health keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. With my family’s support, and my own determination and adaptability, I have successfully managed my condition ever since.

When it came time to decide on a career, I gravitated towards those vocations that would allow me to help people. Based on my doctor and my parents advise to achieve my vision of helping people through a different path, I chose a faculty in Business and Commerce, different from my first choice (medical doctor).

After graduation, I became a chartered accountant and began living my new dream of joining an International Bank. My trademark resilience and drive came into play despite my fears about the aggressive nature of the investment world. I thrived and excelled in a male-dominated industry, positively impacted the ROI of my clients and grew a loyal client base.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was building a personal brand of Resilience. Years later, a conversation with a friend prompted me to revisit my brand – specifically, what did my brand mean? What did I want it to represent? Yes, I was resilient – it was who I was at the core, but how was it manifesting itself more widely than simply as a reactive stance? In other words, how was I to take my personal brand and actually be proactive in doing something with it instead of just pulling it out when confronted with challenges?

This was when I realized that I wanted to use my brand to help others recognize theirs. This was my “aha” moment – where I reconnected with my purpose, inner drive and vision of helping people. I wanted to build an organization and a life where not only I was resilient, but the organization itself was based on the concept of resilience.

So I quit the corporate world and set up my company. By becoming an executive coach and trainer, I reinvented myself and translated my vision into one that could help people on their own journeys of growth and development.

As with any deep and worthwhile journey, there are still challenges and setbacks along the way.

I’ve had to remember to be patient and kind to myself. I am still living – and creating – this transition from an investment banker to an executive coach and trainer. When I look at the transition, I see that I’ve made it a success by training and coaching myself, practicing relentlessly and living many aspects of my life out of my comfort zone.

I love to #motivate, #inspire and #support people’s positive potential #EnergizedLeaders

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Helping my clients to be their best and become better communicators and better leaders brings me a joy that I never found in the investment world.

My resilience, persistence, willingness to take risks in life and follow my vision with not only passion but patience and endurance have given me invaluable insights to energized leadership.

Reconnecting with my vision has not only helped me steer through difficulties and challenges, but has helped me define myself and my brand, and develop the resilience to joyfully embrace this journey called “My Life.”

LESSONS LEARNED

My values and vision have shaped who I am and what I do, and have guided me through my corporate career of 20 years and into my current journey as a coach and trainer.

A brand needs to have a strong foundation. The foundations of authentic brands are found in the people who support those brands and the individuals who see their personal brand as being synchronous with the organization’s brand.

How do you become a force of your own life? I have learnt invaluable lessons along the way of my journey. More in-depth insights are provided in the book Energize Your Leadership.

This article is an except from my chapter in “Energize Your Leadership,” a collaborative book project with 16 experts advice on how to ignite, discover, and breakthrough. Order your copy now!

Connect with me on Transitions Intl Ltd.

Five Proven Ways To Manage The Leadership Development Process

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I was at yoga for a Hot Flow class the other day. Flow as the name suggests is a dynamic sequence of yoga asanas (poses) in a heated room. The instructor mentioned that he would like each of us to transition from one pose to another, effortlessly and without strain or stress. And where we felt it was challenging to breathe, he asked us to be in the moment and not get overwhelmed. He asked us to be aware of and acknowledge what we are going through, and instead of giving up, to do what each of us are capable of in that moment. The most important thing was not to let our emotion of feeling flustered or stressed take over us in who we are or seek to be in that moment. Essentially, he asked us to “level up”.

When he said this, I realized that when we are in a flow, be it while writing, speaking, presenting, at a meeting, at work or at the gym, we are focused and there is synchronization of what we are doing, our state of being, our thoughts, feelings, and our breath. We are so involved in that state that we forget everything else and are present in that moment fully. The real test to mindfulness is when we are quite not in that state of flow.

In yoga, when the heat in the room and the pose gets challenging, our breath gets affected and thus the way we are and the way we do the pose in turn gets affected. If you get frustrated and irritated at this moment, you run the risk of injuring yourself.

→What is the connection between yoga in a heated room and life and leadership?←

Life throws many challenging moments in our way and in navigating through those challenges, we feel stuck. We quite often feel we are on a hamster wheel, unable to get off.

Things often go wrong, and yet life goes on. As difficult it may seem, it is up to each of us to pick the threads of learning, march forward and move on.

Your #Attitudes form part of your recurring #thoughts, #behaviors and #feelings.

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 And when the flow seems shaken, it is our attitude that we need to manage.

We go about our daily living largely oblivious to how we are doing things; they have become so familiar that they are transparent. A breakdown is breaking down of our transparency so that what was present and in the background becomes prominent and to the foreground of our attention.

A breakdown can be seen as an interruption to the normal and anticipated flow of life we find ourselves in. And it is an assessment by each of us that something has not happened, or is not happening, or likely to happen, the way we think it should, and that we, and possibly others, will be worse off because of this. Breakdowns can be positive or negative. A positive breakdown is when a concern has unexpectedly been taken care of. A negative breakdown is an assessment that a concern is not being taken care of.

A positive breakdown, for example, could be a promotion and moving to a different location. Whilst it does interrupt the usual set of activities, this interruption results from positive news. A negative breakdown could be something as simple as somebody not delivering on their commitment which causes a breakdown in your ability to deliver something on time.

Quite often when there is a breakdown, we make a judgement or opinion about the breakdown and an assessment about our capacity to deal with the breakdown. Emotions are an integral part of the observation of our breakdown and, as predispositions for action, influence our capacity to deal with the breakdown. Breakdown of flow thus can make us feel stressed, irritated, frustrated, angry, bored, anxious, and at times it may turn into apathy.

⇒In organizations, do leaders experience a break in the flow of things ?

⇒Do organizations experience a break in the flow of their leadership development strategy?

Many executives are thrown at the deep end of things, possibly, deep beyond their depths and they are expected to manage, lead and yet deliver spectacular results. Not every high potential is given the benefit of hiring a coach who can assist them through the transition.

In my 20 years, whilst working in the Corporate World, I have seen many executives who stretched themselves beyond their comfort zone, felt uncomfortable with the not so smooth flow and yet overcame their challenges and succeeded. Yet, I have seen others where the person was unable to navigate through the changes and challenges and achieve the result that was expected of them.

How do you as a leader manage the flow of leadership development in your organization?

 1. Be a sounding board

#Leaders who want to develop others realize that #success doesn’t come from #control and #command nor by telling people what to do.

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They create an environment where they listen, ask relevant questions, encourage, and act as a sounding board. They challenge their team yet know when to give guidance.

2. See the benefit of coaching

The “manager as a coach” is a culture that many organizations are trying to adopt. Whilst there are benefits to this, there are leaders and a cohort within the senior team who are better off getting an external coach to assist them in their leadership development path. Investing in the development path of your high potentials at the right time pays rich dividends. A leader who cares and is concerned will not be indifferent to making this investment when necessary.

3. Take calculated risks

A leader who knows their team well knows when to take risks in terms of the development strategy of their team members. They have the capability to judge the prospective ability of each of their high potentials. They know through a process of communication, clarity and observation when to challenge, when to give assistance and at the same time weigh in the costs and benefits of each of these steps within the organizational needs.

4. Deal with the challenges

A #leader knows how to deal with disappointments, mistakes and a break in the #flow. #leadfromwithin

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They are experienced and where they don’t know they consult, and seek guidance.

5. See the Big picture

Let go are too easy words but one of the most difficult to practice as a behavior.

A #leader is a #learner and a #mentor, they learn from others because they understand that learning never stops.

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 They learn from their mistakes, challenges and on their journey of life. They are able to predict based on their understanding of the business environment and the people who work with them. They know how to be persistent and yet when to let go.

The flow of Leadership Development is not an easy path and yet it is one where a successful leader knows when to take risks, when to ask for help and they adopt a can-do attitude in building the leaders of tomorrow and in their success.

It is human to experience a dynamic interplay between language, emotions and body when you feel disappointed, frustrated, bored, or stuck and when you feel that, ask:

→What is causing the breakdown in the flow?←
→What is boring you and why?←
→How can you spark your interest and get going with renewed energy ?←
→What are the changes you need to make to get back in the flow?←

FOR SPEAKING, ONE-ON-ONE COACHING, WORKSHOP FACILITATION, TRAINING OR GROUP COACHING, PLEASE CONNECT.

BOOK LAUNCH ON APRIL 20, 2015. BUY YOUR COPY ON APRIL 20, 2015.

Humanity In Leadership

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I was in conversation with a group of people who work with an organization which believes in assisting others to achieve breakthrough results.

During one of my conversations with one of the senior leaders of this organization, he asked of me information which didn’t seem relevant to what he and I were discussing. Not only that, the request landed on me in a way that, I considered, not courteous. I considered it impolite because the why was never explained nor how it was relevant to the achievement of the final result . Information was being asked of me without stating the why and no clear-cut information from their end was provided.

A rapport that was established, was shaken and somehow in my own mind, I felt the trust was broken. I decided to set aside my emotion and explained to him why I was uncomfortable giving that information at this stage. That didn’t get far because they decided not to continue the conversation with me. They stated that they had their ways of doing things and did not want to deviate from those set procedures or policies. Now, I knew what the real reason was but it seemed strange that this person stated that they did not want to go against their procedure. When the request was made there was no such background given. It was just asked without giving consideration to the sensitivity of the information that was being requested and that too at such an early stage. To me the humanity was missing, and in that, the trust was broken.

One of my clients was sharing with me about one of the conferences she had attended and how one of the speakers showed his vulnerability and some of the members of audience were critical of him.

When she mentioned the reaction of some people in the audience, I recollected an article on HBR about the dehumanization of leadership. I quote “Trust in business leadership is at historic lows, according to surveys by Edelman and the World Economic Forum. One reason might be what INSEAD professors Gianpiero and Jennifer Petriglieri call the “dehumanization of leadership”— that is, our tendency to think of leaders as either instrumental (pursuing a particular business goal) or heroic (pursuing a unique vision). In short, we want super-machines or super-humans, or both, at the top of our organizations, and many CEOs strive to meet those expectations. They’ve been trained to hide vulnerabilities, to plan and stay the course, to minimize risk, and to be consistent, level-headed, and in complete control at all times. Inevitably, however, they fall short.”

As a #leader, how do you seek to connect with others? #leadfromtheheart #leadfromwithin #humanity #peopleskills

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⇒Do you think being in a position of power automatically gives you the right to demand what you want without being courteous?

⇒What does it take in you to connect with somebody emotionally ?

⇒Do you as a leader forget to be human in order to be in complete control at all times?

What does it mean to be human?

1. Dare to say “I don’t know”

No leader is expected to know all things. Behave in a way that you can learn from others and that you rely on others to get the job done. You are not perfect nor somebody who is indefatigable.

2. Be courteous

Treat others as they would want to be treated.

#Courtesy is the essence of a human connection and #trust gets reiterated when you are #polite and caring.

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 Procedures and policies are important but don’t forget the necessity of human interaction and connection, if you want to make the former successful.feel upset, disappointed and be worried. And it is difficult to be inspired by someone who sticks to negativity and does not instill hope in their team. Being optimistic is key. Are you creating an environment of fear or trust and hope?

3. Be vulnerable and emotional

We are emotional beings and without emotions the relationship seems like a farce. You are able to connect with an individual better when they show their vulnerability because that shows their authentic self. Would you rather learn from someone who thinks they are perfect and can never commit a mistake or from someone who has learnt from mistakes and life’s challenges?

4. Optimistic

It is okay to feel upset, disappointed and be worried. And let that not be a mainstay of your life. t is difficult to be inspired by someone who sticks to negativity and does not instill hope in their team. Being optimistic is key. Are you creating an environment of fear OR trust and hope?

5. Command v/s Request

If you choose to ask somebody to deliver something, make sure it is a request and the person knows why that request is being made of them. No matter who you are, you have no right to demand information or make somebody feel threatened and insecure.

We live in a technologically advanced age and as humans, it is impossible to connect and establish trust, if you behave like a robot. Relationships are formed and happen when the connection with another person happens from the heart and you don’t give in to judgment or assumptions.

How are you connecting with people ?

Are you being #human in the way you #behave and interact with others? #peopleskills #leadership

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For speaking, on-on-one coaching, workshops, facilitation, training, let’s connect.

Oh No! Not Another Meeting

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I can’t believe you will be there at the meeting. This was a remark made by one of my colleagues. This meeting has an agenda and we always get something done and achieve what we set out for. I don’t have any issues attending these kind of fruitful meetings was my response to him.

Couple of weeks back, I received an email asking a group of us of our availability during a particular week. I read that email and was confused. First of all there was no clear agenda or plan as to what we need each one’s expertise for. What is each one’s interest or what are each of us good at and how can this be used to get the best of what needs to be achieved during the end of that week for which this email was sent out. Meetings were held before this as to what we need to do and other than something needs to be done, nothing concrete materialized.

Let’s schedule a meeting has become the main stay of most of the corporate world, the nonprofit world and basically part of our day-to-day life. Let’s discuss on Skype, G+, conference call or face to face monthly morning meeting, weekly morning meeting or daily meeting. No matter if Ideas need to be discussed or progress needs to be checked on, let’s call a meeting.

Whilst there is nothing wrong with scheduling a meeting, regularly or not, it may not be the right solution and even in instances, where, it is the best answer, the meeting needs to be structured and held in such a way, that the end goal is achieved and each participant in the meeting feels that their time was well utilized.

People in leadership positions (not necessarily all of them behave like leaders) are more often than not responsible for calling for meetings and most of the time these meetings becomes a tool in their hands to justify their presence. It is like a tick in the box with very little or no meaningful engagement from the participants.

Questions that leaders can ask themselves is

1. What is the purpose of the meeting ?

Do I really need this meeting? Is it to discuss ideas, monitor progress and is there a necessity to do that ? Am I calling for a meeting because it has been done so for the past 10 years?

Are you relying heavily on face to face meetings rather than reading and analyzing reports and data available to you ?

Do you tend to have the meetings to solicit input from others but tend to either ignore their inputs or have a tough time making decisions?

2. Do you have a clear road map to achieve the purpose?

Once you have determined that there is a concrete purpose to the meeting, set a road map as to how you will achieve it.

Are you going to be dominant and self-oriented and give little or no chance to others to contribute?

How are you going to get others to communicate and contribute?

We live in the world of communication and to keep the flow of communication going, your attitude, your mindset and what you say and how you say are all equally important.

3. What kind of a leader or person are you ?

Check your style by performing an assessment so that you are aware or increase your awareness and at the same time get others perspectives.

⇒Are you

Conservative/Technical/Innovative in terms of your approach to problems and solutions. How is this affecting your daily management of your day and the way you communicate with others.

⇒How are you in

Structuring/Delegation/Communication when it comes to your team and defining expectations.

Where do you need to #letgo to get the best from your team? #communication #peopleskills

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⇒Are you a thinker or a doer and how do you balance it out in your day-to-day interactions – Strategic v/s Tactical.

⇒What is your style – relationship centered or task centered or are you balanced about the two in seeking to achieve your vision. How are you using your style to communicate with others and encourage them?

Meetings can be interesting if there is a set goal, interesting ways to get to the goal and there is clear communication flow.

How can you make your #meetings #interesting, #productive and #effective for yourself and others?

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 Do you want people to attend your meetings because they have to and not feel like? Do you want the participants in your meeting giving their attention to their mobile or achieving the purpose of the meeting?

When do you enjoy meetings and why? Can you bring some of that in the meetings you conduct?

Let’s connect for workshops, group coaching, facilitation, one-on-one coaching. 

Are You Ready To Unplug, Detach, Step Away from FOMO and Connect?

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Last Wednesday, I was speaking at the British Chamber of Commerce. The event was held at the British Consulate and for security reasons, they don’t allow any electronic devices during the event. For all those entering as visitors to the building, you are required to surrender all electronic equipment at the security. In fact, as a speaker you appreciate this because you get the undivided attention and engagement of the audience. It so happened, I forgot my iPhone on that day and realized only when I arrived at the venue. I didn’t allow that to bother me, I instead felt relieved that I didn’t have to bother giving my phone and worry about its safety since their locker will hold old models of iPhones or Samsung not the iPad, or the iPhone 6 or 6 plus or the latest Samsung 6 or a laptop.

The event ran for 90 minutes and after that I had to meet a colleague and friend of mine to discuss a workshop that we were going to deliver together. I rely on my phone to do almost 95% of my work from notes, reminders, calendars, documents, blog, and emails to other basic things that a phone is used for.

In discussions with her, I was missing my phone because I could not refer to the notes I had made nor was I able to jot down the quick discussion points.

At that time, I thought to myself … Surely I can rely on my memory to discuss the relevant points and I can jot down important points if necessary on a piece of paper.

Not having my phone initially made me feel handicapped and on the return to my office by bus, I definitely missed my phone, because I read books from my iPhone.

But once I told myself, let me be in this moment, I realized that I can live without it and the world is not coming to an end.

How many of us are victims of our mobile device? Do we constantly check our mobile and use that as an excuse to not connect with people who are in front of us?

In meetings, just because it is boring how many times have you picked up your mobile and tapped away messages on it, as if your response can’t wait?

As a leader, are you using your mobile

→as a way of pretending to be busy?
→with the fear of missing out?
→because you are bored
→to be constantly in the midst of things
→to be hands on
→to feel wanted

And if you are doing this, are you missing out from being a genuine leader that involves these key traits?

1. To appreciate

We appreciate you. A simple yet powerful morale booster. This statement speaks directly to the person or members of your team. This combined with evidence to support why they are being appreciated is even better.

2. You Matter

As human beings, we like attention irrespective of whether you are an extrovert or introvert. Each one of us like to be made to feel that we matter.

3. How can I help you ?

Instead of telling someone in your team, something needs to be done and not bothering to ask why they were not able to get to their goal, try something different – let’s work on achieving this and how can I help you?

4. Thank you

Silent #gratitude is as good as no gratitude. #appreciation #peopleskills #littlethingsthatmatter

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A genuine #thankyou goes a long way in connecting with others and making them feel #appreciated.

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5. To Show Up

Are you showing up fully for yourself and for the team you lead? If you are not mindful and present as a leader, it is unlikely you will be an inspiration to others.

6. To Listen

#Listen because that is the only way you’ll #understand and #empathize

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Your observation and listening skills will enable you to connect in a more meaningful way to your team members. 

The best #gift you can give someone is your #time and your undivided #attention.

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7. To Communicate and Connect

Are you being an impactful communicator no matter the medium? Do you make an effort to connect and know those in your team and around you? Be there for others through adversities and good times.

Connect with your team and people who matter. Don’t forget to acknowledge somebody who is in front of you because you are busy with your mobile.

There is a time and place for everything. Use it appropriately. #leadfromwithin #respect #peopleskills #courtesy

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Questions to Reflect

⇒What are some of the ways you can connect with people?
⇒How do you engage with your team members?
⇒How do you lead by example?
⇒What are some of the values you are building in your organization?

For one-on-one coaching, workshops, training, group coaching and/or speaking, let’s connect.

How To Control Your Mind?

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I had to wake up at 4:30 am, on Wednesday, for an early morning call, and I was dreading it on Tuesday. I don’t sleep until late and thus waking up that early in the morning is not my cup of tea. I was working on some deadlines on Tuesday and throughout the evening, I was frustrated that these on-line webinars almost always suited the U.S. time zone, despite international participation.

My mind was brooding on this so much, that I became stressed. This continued on for probably a little over 2 hours. I suddenly realized that I was unable to focus my attention on what I was doing. and I hadn’t done much. I had to snap out of this.

The timing of the early morning call was not something I could choose. What I can choose is my state of mind and how I appear at this moment of time and also at the webinar. I also reminded myself that I had on several occasions delivered training till 10:30 pm and taken a red-eye flight thereafter to deliver another training at 9 am, the following day, without a wink of sleep.

I made myself a cup of coffee and settled back into what had to be done.

I woke up this morning and I was fully present and had no issues concentrating and being an active participant.

Our state of #mind dictates who we are at any moment in #time. #EI #stress #health #leadfromwithin

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As a leader,

→How do you show up when things happen against your will or expectation?

→How do you react when you are feeling overwhelmed at the number of things that need to be done?

→What are some of the things you consciously let go of to keep yourself at peace and appear calm in front of your team?

→We are emotional beings and the strongest of us go through moments of overwhelm, frustration, and stress. Do you apply the brakes before it is too late to consciously get out of the agitated state of mind leading to stress and frustration?

What are some of the ways to control our mind and be present

1. Be aware

Self-awareness is the first step. You consciously recognize you are in that agitated state of mind. Before your mind takes control of you, take a step to come back into the present. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings and what they are doing to you and your actions.

2. How strong are you?

Encourage yourself by reflecting on how well you did in a similar circumstance. How did you get over the perceived challenge or your state of mind. 

Visualize #positive images to generate positive feelings and calm your thoughts. #leadfromwithin

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3. Acknowledge

Never ignore your emotions. Be aware, acknowledge and find ways to get over it. For me, taking a walk, engaging in meaningful conversations (with myself or others) to foster understanding or even venting out to a friend or my family helps. Take steps to generate optimism.

4. What can you do?

Everything that happens to us or with us is not within our control. However, the way we show up is within our control. EI can be achieved by any of the above methods and by deep breathing. Deep breathing is difficult when your mind is agitated and it takes a conscious effort on your part to do so. Once you start that deep breathing, you essentially are able to control your Amygdala hijack and thus think rationally.

I have four more Wednesdays when my day will start as early as 3:30 am and I have told myself no matter how my previous day is, I will be present and enjoy the two-hour session and not stress about it before.

How are you controlling your mind?
What are some of the ways you try to calm your mind in moments of overwhelm and stress?

Until, we control our mind that which is within our self, our #perception of our external world will merely be a #reflection of it.

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A key question you can ask of yourself is, why am I doing what I am doing ?

For one-on-one coaching, speaking, training and/or workshops let’s connect.

The Power Of Asking The Right Type Of Questions

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I’m often asked as to why I took to coaching and leadership training and development. My personal growth and development has come most, when I have been asked the right challenging questions by others and of myself. During the 20 years of my Corporate life, I have seen others in my team grow and develop when the right questions have been asked of them.

Questioning is undoubtedly a powerful leadership tool and one of the reasons I took to coaching. I love connecting with people, inspiring them to do their best, and helping them to grow. Coaching enables me to do that and also challenge my clients to come up with the answers, they require, on their own and in the process assist them to get to where they want to be.

Questioning is a valuable life tool and it is imperative to ask the right questions. Ask questions that enable people to trust you, establish a rapport, anticipate changes, and facilitate their growth and development and of their organizations.

Asking open-ended questions is important and more important is how you ask these questions. Questions asked in the wrong way can shut a person down and can also break the trust and relationship.

Questions with a negative tone or focus aren’t going to give you desired results. 

#Positivity and appreciative enquiry facilitates to establish #rapport and build #trust.

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The five W’s ,What, Why, When, Why, Who are powerful with the right tone, words and #language. #peopleskills

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What are the questions to avoid? What are the right type of questions to ask?

1. Who is responsible for this ? Or Whose fault is this?

This line of questioning sets a negative tone to the conversation and seems to indicate that you want to blame someone. It puts your audience in a defensive mode.

A leader is one who takes a little more shame of the blame and a little less than his share of credit.

A better line of questioning to consider is how can we work together to get to our goal or desired results? With the right amount of trust and rapport established, this will help you identify any snags in the process and help you identify and overcome any deficiencies or weaknesses.

2. What is the issue or problem?

And questions along the same line tends to focus on defects and weakness instead of on ways to move forward. As human beings, we need no help in being negative. Questions which focuses on problems are negative and puts your audience on the wrong foot.

What are we doing well? What have we done well so far? What steps do we need to take to improve ourselves ? How can we do better? These type of questions focuses on the other person’s strengths instead of on what went wrong.

3. Have you tried this way? Or how about doing it this way?

These are questions which tends to convey a sense of control from the person asking them. Our brains, according to a lot of studies done by neuroscientists perceive loss of autonomy as a threat and thus creates an air of distrust and negativity.

What do you think ? Or what do you propose? Are there better ways to move forward to desired results.

4. Why not ? Or why haven’t you thought of something similar ? Or why do you think it will work this time

These questions have a condescending tone to it and almost seems to suggest that the other way is better or that you are wrong. It indicates a sense of distrust in your team.

A better style of question to motivate and engage people is

How can we do it better this time? What are some of the ways we can try this time to get the desired results? If we tried the same method this time, how do you think the outcome would be different?

No matter the type of question, the tone with which these questions are asked needs to be positive and one that suggests way forward instead of demotivating and finger-pointing.

Rhetorical questions are great but cannot be used in all circumstances. Questions with a Why are great and you need to be sensitive to the culture, the tone and the situation. What or how are better ways to ask the same question starting with a Why?

Questions can be asked of others and of yourself to move forward, to reflect, to overcome fears and overall for the growth and development.

I have seen clients make the necessary shifts to get the results that they seek and asking the right questions has been a significant contributor to this.

How have you used questions in your life?
What type of questions have helped you grow ?

Five Tips On How To Handle Rejection In Life

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I walked away from a recent chemistry meeting, with a potential client, not feeling too good. The meeting had gone well, yet my intuition told me that I should probably say no. I didn’t make the call immediately but decided to wait. The following day, I did mention to the person who had put me in touch with the potential client. They said they had not heard back from the client yet and said they will let me know in due course. A week later, I heard back from this person saying that the client had chosen another coach for reasons that the other person was older. Despite having heard a No, I was relieved.

A friend of mine had been working on a proposal for a while and despite the competitive price and the uniqueness of her proposal, she did not win the deal. She was dejected and frustrated not so much for hearing a No but not knowing the details of no.

Life goes on and despite the rejections that we face in different aspects of our life, we need to focus on moving forwards and not waste our time immersing ourself in the sorrow that results from the No.

#Life goes on and there is no pause button just because you are #disappointed, #dejected and #frustrated.

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I know it feels horrible to be rejected, and for you to encourage yourselves and move forward, it is essential to bounce back and move on.

Rejection happens for one or more of the following reasons

1. Timing may not be right on account of budget constraints or there is no need at that point in time.
2. The person may not have the authority to say yes and they probably don’t want to disclose the same.
3. They don’t want to commit just as yet.
4. Lack of clarity about what you are offering and how it can satisfy their goal or need. Reluctance to express this complicates things further.
5. They are not interested in the product or deal or what you are offering but they are testing the waters and the market for the different ideas that exist.
6. Different perspectives, opinions, values and ethics.
7. They are unable to build a rapport and connection with you as yet to take the relationship forward.
8. They are envious of you and don’t want to see you progress.

In most of the above cases, people are not willing to directly communicate either the “No” or “the reasons for the No”. They are not willing to ask questions or be candid about budget constraints or acknowledge that they don’t understand all aspects of the deal or the project or what you are offering.

What can you do if you are at the receiving end of the rejection ?

1. If it didn’t kill you, it will make you stronger

This is the attitude to adopt to bounce back. It is natural to feel disappointed but there is no use sinking under that rejection because you will get caught in a negative vicious cycle.

2. What have I learnt from the experience

Every experience teaches you something as long as you are willing to let go of the negativity and experience the learning. Yes, it is hard to practice and still worth attuning your mind to view the experience as lessons learnt. Sometimes, on hindsight, you realize that the No was a blessing in disguise.

3. What, if any, can you do better or different

Not all things work with everyone. Can you approach it differently? What would it take on your part to step out of your comfort zone and use a new perspective. Take support from your family and friends and from those who can be a sounding board to you and enable you to bounce back.

 4. Feedback

When you are made aware about the reasons for rejection, take it as a feedback. You can use this to improve your strategy, where necessary.

Rejection can be viewed positively by looking at it as knowledge and experience gained. You will gain insights towards achieving your end goal. Engage in positive self talk because negativity will cause you more harm than good.

5. Wake up call

Rejection sometimes proves to be a wake up call to change your paths or methodology to achieve the desired vision.

Rejection is Disappointing. It Is Not The End Of The World.

A friend of mine is candid about communicating his no or rejecting something. I communicate directly to people when I have to say no. Be candid and courteous but not blunt.

As a leader, do you want to keep someone hanging out there, without communicating directly or letting them know the reasons?
Are you leading by example by shying away from communicating the real reasons? Most things can be communicated with reasons and are you treating people the way they want to be treated.

How do you deal with rejection ?
How do you communicate your No?

Increase your self-awareness and build your #self-confidence to bounce back from rejections and view #life #positively.

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