Little Things That Matter

Learn From The Past, Live The Present and Have An Open Mind to Face Tomorrow

Don’t Criticize, Condemn Or Complain

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Photo Credit : Lalita Raman

Photo Credit : Lalita Raman

I was delivering a workshop on Resolving Conflicts last week and while in conversation with one of the attendees, he mentioned about the frustrating experience, he had that morning, in arranging a brunch booking. He had a bad experience with most of the restaurants he called barring one.

He was most pleased with this particular Hotel because they treated him with care and that was evident in the way the lady who had answered his call spoke to him.

One of the Dale Carnegie Human Relation principles is Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain. When most people, I have met hear or read this, they laugh at it and say hey that is impossible in today’s world.

The impossibility comes from the attitude we take. Of course if something goes wrong, you cannot not criticise. What is important to remember is how the criticism or the complaint is delivered.

However, let’s take a step back. Why do we complain or criticize in the first place ? Your Attitude is one you have control on.

It is your attitude either as a receiver or as a sender in every message, written or verbal, that sets the tone of the conversation and the consequences of the choices that is made. Attitude is contagious and surely a positive attitude is one worth spreading. 

What are some of the desirable traits that we would like people to have? Aren’t these the same traits we should seek to have and strive to be on the path of excellence:

1. Be Self-aware

Your path to #grow, develop and excel starts with self-awareness. #leadfromwithin #peopleskills #leadership #selfawareness

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 You have to know who you are, what are your strengths, your challenges. Being self-aware, you are able to understand yourself, your values and how you appear in front of others.

2. Communicate with Clarity

We live in the world of communication. Our communication is affected when we are stressed, overwhelmed, or not appreciated because in such situations we aren’t able to organize our thoughts with clarity. Managing our emotions and not falling a victim to the negative vicious cycle helps us to communicate with clarity.

3. Be a Listener

Presence of mind is easily seen by a person’s body language and facial expression. 

#Listening with your body, mind and soul is the best #gift you can give your partner in any #communication.

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4. Be Generous

Almost every organization is offering some kind of service and the generosity in the care they show to you as a client speaks volumes about their attitude.

5. Keeping your word

You are forming an impression in the way you walk your talk and in the consistency you show in your actions.

Honor your word and your time. #leadfromwithin #discipline #leadbyexample #character #peopleskills

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 Be in control of time and do not allow time to control you.

If you cannot be these things yourself, it is difficult to expect of others. 

The key to finding your happiness is to be the things that you require and wish for in another. #relationships

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How can you break away from the habit to criticize, condemn or complain?

How can you deliver feedback that is developmental and the fault seem easy to correct ?

Emotional Baggage – Unpack Your Trunk

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When I met Beth, a friend of mine, last week, she looked in pain and discomfort. I asked her what was wrong and she said she had gone hiking over the weekend and her shoulders hurt from the heavy load she had carried. Beth is extremely fit and hikes and treks a lot. This, I was surprised to hear about her shoulder ache. She said she had carried an extra heavy bag as a practice for her trek to Mt. Kilimanjaro.

I enjoy hiking and what I dread or dislike the most is to carry a bag on the shoulder with water and some snacks to provide myself the necessary fuel along a long hike.

Carrying a heavy bag on your shoulder is exhausting. Imagine if you had to carry a really heavy bag up a steep mountain. Even the thought of this heavy lifting is exhausting.

If this thought is exhausting, imagine the emotional baggage we carry with us and load our shoulders and mind with the weight possibly day-in and day-out.

Those days when we feel overwhelmed, exhausted and almost feel like tearing our hair apart. Phew, even writing that is exhausting.

How much of worry and stress do we put ourselves through on s day-to-day basis. And the stress that we carry with us affects not only us but others because we show it in our behavior, our body language and our facial expression.

You may say that in this day and age who doesn’t have stress and worry? But do we really need to put ourself and others through this?

Can we step out of our negative thoughts and clear our mind from this emotional baggage? Emotional baggage is burdensome and debilitating, especially if carried over a long time. Stress shows up in various forms and it can affect our self-confidence, our communication with others, our relationships and thus our people skills and of course our ability to inspire and making a positive influence on others.

How do we get over our emotional baggage and the overwhelm factor?

1. What is the worst case scenario?

There are many things, situations, conversations, events that we stress about. In hindsight, we realize that a lot of things where we over think or stress did not happen. Personally, for me asking this question helps me to remind myself that there is a way out and to get the facts clear in my own mind. Asking yourself this question helps you to face your fears, apprehensions and look at things more objectively.

2. What are you resisting?

This helps you to determine if your assumptions are based on inner fears, conjectures or facts. Once you determine your facts, ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? Prepare to accept the worst – this is about your mindset and how much price are you willing to pay ( in terms of your time, your emotional state and your health) to continue to worry about something. Once you have prepared to accept the worst, put efforts to improve on the worst. This process takes the load of your mind and helps you to face a situation objectively without falling a victim to the overwhelm factor.

3. Positivity

Negativity is a vicious circle and one any of us can get easily entangled in it. To snap out of negativity, each of us need to find ways. Negative thinking and stress is good as long as it enables you to move forward. However, if the negativity is only going to lead you to irritation, stress and being engaged in a blame game, let it go.

4. Problem or Imagined

How many of the problems that you conjure up in your head or mind come to fruition? Ask yourself, What is the problem? Is it real or imagined? What are the causes of this problem? What are the possible solutions to tackle this ? What is the best solution?

5. Idle mind

An idle mind is a devils’ workshop. Keep yourself busy instead of engaging in irrelevant conversations and meaningless gossip. Ask yourself is it really worth fussing about trifles? Not everything in life goes as per your plans nor is everything under your control. If you cannot control what is the point in worrying? Have the mindset to accept the situation and face it and deal with it to achieve your desired outcome. What resources do you have to get help to deal with the situation at hand?

#Mindfulness and #presence happens in the moments of #choice. #leadfromwithin #life

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 It is entirely up to each of us how we learn to deal with the roller coaster events of life.

Are you going to pick yourself up, dust yourself and choose to move forward?
Or
Are you going to be overwhelmed and give up?

Our #thoughts matter and you can control your thoughts and #choose how the moments in your day look and feel. #makeithappen

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Top 10 Courtesies To Show Your Humanity

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On my way to work the other day, I saw a vehicle which had “Boston University” written in bold red color right next to the license plate. I wondered why they would have that sign displayed on the car. I couldn’t help think if it was a display of insecurity, high handed-ness or was it just being boastful and a display of titles.

Looking at this vehicle with the sign of “Boston University” displayed brought back memories of an incident while I was working with one of the organizations. A gentleman from one of our overseas office stands by my desk, throws his business card, taps my desk and says do you know who I am? I was irritated at the disrespect and lack of courtesy he showed. I turned around and remarked, sorry you are disturbing me and I don’t know who you are, would you care to introduce yourself? He again taps on his business card and says he is the head of sales…..

You don’t need a title to be a #leader. #leadership #leadfromwithin #peopleskills

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You don’t need a set of qualifications and titles next to your name to show who you are. In fact the more you display your titles, the more you are possibly conveying the wrong message to your audience.

What are the simple courtesies that you need to remember in order to relate to another person or influence the other person positively?

1. Say “thank you”, “please”, ‘you’re welcome”, “sorry”, “may I” …

These are simple words yet have a long-lasting impact when used with sincerity and genuineness. Use them often and mean it when you say it.

2. Acknowledge

Would you like to be ignored? If not, why would you not want to return phone calls or acknowledge emails from your colleagues or friends? If you think “you matter”, so do others. There is nothing worse than ignoring somebody with your silence by way of not returning phone calls or responding to emails.

3. Be Kind

Throwing a business card or exchanging business cards (as much as it may be a habit from so-called culture) is not the way to get to know someone or introduce yourself or to start a relationship. Life is short and it is not Tories or business cards that matter. Find ways to be kind in the way you strike, build or continue a relationship.

4. Committed To Your Word

Talking your talk is important and don’t forget that walking your talk is imperative. You may be a good marketer and have the gift of gab but finally your true colors will be known when you are not committed to your word. Your word is you and represents your brand.

5. Words of Encouragement

Empower yourself and others through your words of support and encouragement. Praise every improvement that you have observed in somebody and make them feel appreciated and important because they deserve it.

6. Silence

There is a time to be silent and a time to speak up. Know the appropriateness of the moment. Don’t throw your weight around with your titles and inappropriate actions and words.

7. Ask Questions

By asking relevant and appropriate questions you can strike a chord with somebody. Asking is better than telling. By giving orders, you aren’t going to get further in any relationship.

8. Value of Your Time

Time once lost can never be gained back. You snooze, you lose. I find it amazing when people don’t respect punctuality. Emergencies happen but not on a regular basis.

Show #courtesy for other’s #time by showing up on time and making it well it’s worth. #life #leadfromwithin

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9. Listen

The best #gift you can give someone is your #time and undivided attention. #leadfromwithin #life #courtesy

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If you are in a conversation with someone, be in the moment and listen. There is no use listening selectively or pretending to listen. 

#Listen with your #heart and listen to understand. #leadfromwithin #leadership #EI #communication #peopleskills

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10. Let Go

Give in and let go because sometimes that may be better for yourself and others. This is probably one of the most difficult to implement every time. Self –awareness via gentle reminders to yourself helps you to let go.

People may forget whom a business card belongs to or your titles but they will never forget how you made them feel. Take the responsibility to make people feel valued and important in your interactions because they matter and you matter. Inspire and lead by example and with your actions.

For Coaching, Speaking, Training let’s connect.

Remain Positive Though Negativity Feels Instinctive

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Photo Credits :Lalita Raman

Photo Credits :Lalita Raman

Do you see the glass half empty or do you see the glass half  full?

My domestic helper was looking very upset and low on Saturday. She was concerned about not being able to speak to her family, who live in Indonesia, Java, in a village close to where the volcano has erupted.

Her concern was valid. She was not able to get through to her family on the phone for a whole day. I realized if she continues with the negative thoughts, it is not going to help her. So I started asking her what typically happens when these kind of volcanos erupt and what happened last time when something similar had happened. Immediately she said oh ma’am the electricity goes off. To which I said, are you trying them on a landline or mobile?

And suddenly she realized that may be they have had no electricity and the battery on the mobile may have run off and they may not have been able to charge. There was a bright spark of delight on her face when she responded, yes mobile and yes may be the battery has run off. She had a smile on her face with this new hope.

During one of the trainings I was delivering last week, whilst mentioning that think of the positives, one of the participants remarked, it is not good to be over optimistic and be blinded by our optimism. We need to be realistic. Some amount of negativity and stress is required to take us forward……., indeed there is always some amount of pain that some of our brains requires to push us forward and to achieve something. However, shrouding ourselves in negativity that disables us to see any other way and move us forward is not realistic.

Is it good to be over optimistic?

Is it reasonable to be negative?

I think the most important in any situation of life, is our attitude. Attitude determines the choice you make at the moment and the choice you make or not make will either lift you or bury you further.

It is easy to criticize, complain and condemn and continue life. And it is a matter of choice whether we go the usual route or take the path to look at things realistically and not let our emotions go out of control.

What can you do when you see yourself getting into a vicious negative cycle ?

1. Hit your reset button

Snap out of it by hitting your reset button. Our thoughts control our feelings and that affects our behavior, our words and action. Only way to get out of it is to press Ctrl+Alt+Del or hit the Force Quit button. I take myself out of a negative thought especially when I see it is leading me along an irrational path by imagining myself pressing the Force Quit button in my brain almost similar to the force quit button on MAC when a program is not responding. This can take the form of pressing a button or walking away and taking a break or drinking water or talking to a friend or whatever that helps you at that moment.

2. Choose your surroundings

You may say, I don’t always have control on my surroundings. Yes but you do have control on what you do with it. Do you fall prey to it or choose to keep away from negative people who put you down. Can you remind yourself to not fall victim to your Amygdala and hijack your motor skills of your PFC? What are those little reminders that will help you at that moment?

This does not mean put up with any offense or humiliation or character assassination that people may make on you. It means choose a path, an action that will enable you to keep yourself and your emotions safe.

Choose the people you want to be around day-in and day-out because that does affect your #behavior over a period of #time.

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3. Your Action

Of course there are times when you are in a meeting, in an elevator, in a supermarket, in a gym when you come across people whose actions indicate a lot of negativity. The mindset they adopt is not something that suits your mindset. Change cannot be forced but what you have control over is your mindset. This is one of my most challenging acts. I need to keep my head above water to make sure that people’s negative behavior which could be in the form of not being courteous, or being impolite or doing some injustice does not affect me. I have to remind myself to stay above the fray and not stoop down to their level. Over the years, I have gotten better at this, because I have realized that change in any of us has to come from within.

What I can do is to lead by example and inspire others by my action.

In conclusion, I would say majority of time think and be positive. Negativity breeds negativity and pulls you down with no benefit to you or others. Positivity does not mean being unrealistic and over optimistic. It is good to be realistic and yes when we are trying to improve skills, behavior or lose weight or stop a habit that is not helping us, thinking of the negative consequences helps us to move forward.

How do you get over negativity?

#Life is a challenge and on the roller coaster journey of life how do you stay above the fray? #leadfromwithin

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For Coaching, Speaking and Training let’s Connect.

The Secret To Strong Self-Esteem

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You see it in others, you feel it in yourself when you exude it and yet you can only describe it by acts of doing instead of being. What is it?

It is Confidence you see in others and you describe it by what they do and how they do it.

You feel your own #self-esteem and people see you exude #self-confidence in what you do and say. #leadfromwithin

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  Each of us have self-esteem and we find this even on the dullest moments and on days we want to give up. Self-esteem is not something that can be taken away from us.

Yet, we don’t recognize that we have it and in moments of adversity it is our self-esteem that enables us to bounce back.

It is not about bragging or being narcissistic but it is about who you are, what you are good at and the humility to know and accept what you are not so good at.

Over the weekend, I watched the movie 100 Foot Journey. There is a scene in the movie where Hassan (the lead character) prepares a pigeon dish for his competitor, Madame Mallory. The way Hassan presents the dish to her is with complete confidence in his ability and you notice that as an observer. Of course, he doesn’t get the appreciation that he expects from Madame Mallory. Later in the movie, Hassan, having heard that Madame Mallory hires potential chefs by taste-testing an omelet they prepare for her, asks if he may cook an omelet for her. Citing his injured hands, he says Madame Mallory will have to help him with the process.

After sampling his cooking, Madame Mallory concedes to his potential to be a great chef.

He states to her that he was sure that he had made the first dish and the omelet exactly the way she liked and he was confident that she would like it.

The way this character exudes confidence is memorable.

Self Confidence comes from having the self-esteem about yourself.

#Self-esteem is about being #positive and believing in yourself and what you can do. #leadfromwithin

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  It is also about how you see yourself. Self-esteem gives you that wand to believe in yourself, respect and like yourself, accept your challenges and keep an open mind to learn, develop and continue to grow on the path of excellence. In this movie, Hassan has self-esteem and that enables him to learn, try out new things and excel in his goal and path. It is his self- esteem and self-confidence that enables him to reach the heights of success and yet make the choice when he feels he is at a crossroad.

How do you build your self-esteem and that of others?

1. Listen

Listening is the best gift you can give someone to build their self-esteem and confidence.

2. Encourage

As a child our parents encouraged us to step out of our comfort zone, be adaptable and believe in oneself. Each of us need encouragement no matter our age or gender.

2. Appreciate

As a child we love receiving praise and we get appreciated in the small things we do. However, we never stop wanting to be appreciated no matter our age or gender.

3. Plan ahead

Life is a challenge and it is an untrodden path. Be open to respond with spontaneity on the surprises. And don’t forget that preparation and planning in every aspect of life goes a long way. So, If you want to be a good speaker, prepare, practice and earn the right to speak it and do it with authenticity.

5. Strengths

Be aware of your strengths and use them. Be adaptable because sometimes these very strengths could become your down player. Hassan in this movie had a gift and passion for cooking. He was a natural at it and he knew it, yet he was ready to learn and adapt to become successful.

Self-esteem is something we all have and we can adopt a mindset where we allow us to build our self-confidence with honor and humility.

For Coaching, Speaking and Training let’s connect

Do You Walk A Fine Line In The Choices You Make?

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I was listening to music on my way to yoga on Saturday and Paul McCartney’s following song started playing on my iPhone ….

There is a fine line, between recklessness and courage
It’s about time, you understood which road to take
It’s a fine line, your decision makes a difference
Get it wrong, you’ll be making a big mistake

It’s a fine line
Whatever’s more important to you (It’s a fine line)
You got to choose what you want to do
Whatever’s more important to be (It’s a fine line)
That’s the thing that you gotta see

The lyrics of this song kept ringing in my ears and whilst doing yoga, when the instructor mentioned, do what is possible, push yourself but not to the extent where you are not able to breathe…..,it struck me that there is such a fine line between challenging yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing yourself to an extent where you could injure yourself and find it difficult to breathe.

After class on my way back, I couldn’t help thinking…..

There is a fine line between

→ confidence and over confidence resulting in arrogance
→ frustration and giving into anger and giving up
→ being a trusted advisor and a pushy or desperate sales person
→ giving in to let go and giving up
→ fake it till you make it to gain confidence and being inauthentic

How many times do leaders walk this fine line? And in walking this fine line, do you as a leader forget to care for your employees, to keep the communication lines open, to appreciate people and not take kindness for granted.

In walking this thin line, and in order to not tip over to the not so pleasant side, what are some of the most important factors?

1. Confidence

Have the confidence to be not led by your fears, yet remind yourself to be humble. Walking the fine line between arrogance and confidence can be challenging at times, yet, if you allow yourself to be driven by your inner self and core, it is possible to make the right choice.

2. Let go

Let go of the desire to be popular and of getting brownie points at the cost of not speaking up for the right things. Indifference breeds indifference. If you take people in your team for granted and do not recognize or appreciate them you are indicating that you don’t care for them or the work they do. Your behavior and what you do or don’t, matters.

3. People Skills

Being a team leader or manager involves much more than IQ. You will be an effective manager when you communicate with your team, make them feel valued and listen to them.

Be consistent in your behavior and walk your talk. You create confusion and animosity when you communicate one thing with your words and do something else by your actions. You need to have a positive attitude and see the good and bad and be able to deal with the challenges and adversities. People will believe in you if they see you put forth your values and vision consistently and in that care for people and work together with them to take this value and vision forward.

4. Mindset and attitude

It is challenging not to cross the thin line during adversities. Yet, a leader is one who does not fall prey to the vulnerable moment and shows the tight attitude and mindset. It is not about being a superwoman or superman but asking yourself what is your purpose and what are you driven by? Negative attitude is like a vicious cycle and can have a cascading effect in bringing a relationship, a team and organization apart.

5. Indifference

Your leadership style needs to facilitate people towards their and the overall organization’s progress. Policies and procedures are essential in an organization but when you make them cumbersome and as the sole purpose in whatever you do, it becomes inhuman and a burden.

No matter what role you play, you don’t need to tip over the thin line to make a choice that is irrational and one that displays poor #EI. #leadfromwithin

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You have a #choice even when you are walking a fine line, one you would like to receive if you were at the receiving end. #peopleskills

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For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

How To Give Feedback That Matters

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The training starts at 9 am. All, but 2 participants arrive either early or on time. However, the training doesn’t start till after the two participants have arrived which is at 9:07 am.

At the gym, in the RPM class of 30 members, ten to fifteen members work beyond their comfort zone and they work out because they are interested in making a difference to their training. The rest of them are in the class as if someone has forced them to be there. The instructor gives more attention to these non-performers.

A group of people decide to write a book together, and in the sub groups some of them submit their chapters on time and others don’t. Yet the people who submit on time are not acknowledged or worse still the whole process gets stuck because of people who don’t bother keeping up to the agreed deadlines.

Mary is in a team of five people within a multi-national firm. She works in their business development and strategic planning function. Mary is a lateral thinker, learns new concepts and skills rapidly and applies it in new and untested ways to achieve spectacular results. She may not be an expert on every aspect but is quick to accommodate, adapt, learn and apply, yet achieve more than the results expected. Two others in her team are good in their own way. Mary or the other two don’t seem to get any praise or positive feedback. Their efforts are not only taken for granted but not acknowledged.

What is common in all the above scenarios?

Giving feedback, praise, appreciation …. A critical skill and yet ignored by leaders, managers, coaches and many people in their daily walk of life.

As a child, haven’t we been encouraged, praised, ‘wowed at’ when we walked for the first time. For those who are parents of small kids haven’t you adored and been ecstatic when your little child walked for the first time. You didn’t criticize your child for not having walked properly or falling down when he or she took his first step or took the walking for granted and completely ignored the fact that your child had walked for the first time. Twenty years down the line, do you think you or your child have stopped wanting appreciation?

When did we stop wanting recognition or praise? NEVER

In my coaching sessions with managers or leaders of organizations, I find managers struggling to give feedback that consists of positive comments. The struggle that most people have with giving praise is what do I tell them other than commenting “awesome” or “spectacular”. That kind of comment made often sounds like flattery instead of genuine appreciation.

As human beings we all like to be recognized and genuinely praised irrespective of age, gender or personality.

How do we give feedback or appreciation ?

1. Listen and observe 

Do not underestimate the power of listening and observing. In doing so, you’ll be able to notice the specific things that people in your personal or work life do well. This provides you with evidence to be able to praise the person and acknowledge that they did something well. Worse still don’t ignore the fact that someone has been on time, someone has made an effort to work hard and smart and someone has met deadlines.

2. Little things that matter

“Praise the slight improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise” Dale Carnegie. Every small achievement matters. Appreciate even the small gestures because that makes the receiver feel good and encouraged.  

Silent #appreciation or #gratitude is as good as none. #peopleskills #neuroscience #brain #leadfromwithin #life

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3. Genuine appreciation  

If you give specific appreciation instead of overloading with just adjectives, you’ll be able to show genuine interest. In organizations, as managers of teams or as leaders why not get to know someone in terms of their strengths and their interests? Make observations on how they act and behave and do things. We are emotional beings and it helps to have an EQ that makes another person feel “You Matter“.

4. Feedback culture

Cultivate a habit in your daily life of giving appreciation to those in your life. Develop a culture within your organization to give and receive feedback. Feedback needs to be positive and if you have an area of development to point out, do so, but definitely do not load it with negatives and criticism. None of us need help with criticizing ourselves. Each of us are experts on that. Don’t wait for a 360° feedback process at the end of the year, that is done like a chore instead of truly using it as a way of providing genuine feedback and appreciation. Feedback should be ‘continuous’ so that people know what they are doing well, what do they see as challenges and thus need to work   on developing.

#Relationships are not like a robot. You need to treat them with care and that is key to building #peopleskills.

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What are you doing to build and strengthen #relationships? #leadfromwithin #peopleskills

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Are you “seeing” people?

“I see you. You matter.”

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

Accountability and YOU

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Photo Credits : Lalita Raman

This morning, when I went to my bank to transfer money out of one of the maturing time deposits, I was in for a major shock. The relationship manager, of this bank with whom I have banked with for over twenty years, tells me I cannot transfer the money out because they cannot find my signatures and the only way I can transfer is to sign a whole load of account opening documents again. Time was of essence here because I had to get the funds out by tomorrow which is exactly why I had timed my deposit in a way that it will mature today.

I tried to make sense of this and explained calmly and patiently to this woman, but she was in her own world, not listening nor showing any signs of interest. She kept repeating what I had to do. There was no apology or even the faintest inclination to accept that they had messed up and lost the documents and they were wrong. Forget care, empathy or customer service but I was left speechless at the behavior of this officer from this multinational global bank. People like her who show no accountability tarnish not only their reputation but also of the organization they work with.

I remembered the story of four people, named Everybody, Nobody, Somebody and Anybody in a team. They had to meet an important deadline within a day and Everybody has to contribute to get the final outcome. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Somebody was annoyed because he thought it was Everybody’s responsibility. Everybody thought why him, Anybody could do it. But Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

So in all the could have, should have and would have the deadline was not met and the company lost an important client. This is a classic case of not being accountable.

In day-to-day dealings with many people, many of their behaviors makes me wonder “Have we lost the trait of “Being Accountable”?”

Mistakes are a part of life and yes we do mess things up but when things get messed up, why lie ? There is no point denying, giving excuses and playing the blame game.

A significant part of my entire day wouldn’t be wasted had this officer of the bank apologized and accepted that they had messed up and misplaced the documents. Yes that in itself is a grave mistake but had she apologized I might have considered spending some time to sign the forms.

Haven’t we ever so often heard people say I didn’t do it or I am not responsible, it is a regulatory requirement or my operations team is responsible.

You can’t blame organizations when people working in those organizations live on excuses. These excuses are not necessarily part of the system. It finally boils down to who you are and how you behave no matter what the circumstance is ?

Don’t blame the policies and the regulations for a mistake that you did. Be accountable for everything you do or don’t do.

What is important in accountability?

1. Accountability starts with YOU – it is who you are. It is about being true to your word and it comes from within.

2. Accountability stays with You –  no matter the situation, you show you are accountable. You show your ownership and don’t engage in the blame game. If you are working in an organization and you are the customer facing person, you represent your company and take responsibility no matter the mess. Internally you engage with your team members and get it fixed and make sure that the person responsible for the mistake realizes the repercussions of the mess.

3. Accountability is about EQ – it is having the Emotional Intelligence to behave and act in a manner warranted by the situation. It is being emotionally aware and present about the way you behave.

4. Accountability is about Commitment – you walk your talk and are consistent in all you do. Let your values be seen in your actions and behavior. If you cannot honor your word what credibility and image are you building ?

5. Accountability is about honesty – can you be relied on? Are you trustworthy and is that evident by your actions and in who you are

#Accountability to me is a measure of who you are, what you do and the results you produce.

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The results you produce will be in-consistent if either the being or doing goes out of sync. You accept full responsibility for your actions and behaviors in every circumstance because in each of these cases You have a choice.

You show you are accountable in who you are, what you do or didn’t do and the choices you make or not make and in that you reveal your integrity and thus your character.

How are you being #accountable ? #leadfromwithin

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The Power of Questions : 5 Secrets To Leading A Meaningful Life

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I was standing at the immigration queue last Friday, in Singapore, to catch a flight back home.

I was exhausted, yet couldn’t miss hearing a little girl of age may be 4-5 years old persistently asking her mom, mommy where is Daddy? So mommy answers her but she is still not quite satisfied with mommy’s answer. She changes tact and asks her mom, what are you holding in your hand ? So her mom replies to her saying passports. So she asks, is mine with you ? She gets a response from her patient mom. Then she asks her mom, you are holding 3, one is mine, other is yours, whose is the third one ? So her mom says, darling that is your dad’s passport.

She then in her sweet little voice loudly and clearly calls out to her dad, daddy do you want your passport? If yes, you better come here with us. Lo and behold she managed to get her dad with her.

What stood out for me was the way this little girl got to her end goal and she did all of that by asking questions of her mom.

Children are persistent with questions and they do get answers to their never ending questions.

I was amazed at how this little girl by asking 5-6 questions got the information out and laid her path to solve her jigsaw puzzle. In the end she achieved her end goal of getting her dad to stand in the same queue as her.

Asking relevant Questions is a powerful tool. The right questions inspire creativity, insights, drive connection and engagement and get desired results and breakthroughs.

By asking different type of questions, depending on the information you seek to get, (Open, fact based, probing, coping, what if ), you get bits of information and build on this to arrive at the final destination.

Wondering why I said constructive and right. Imagine if you lost the biggest deal of the decade. First thing you would probably ask yourself is what is wrong with me? What did I screw up? These kind of questions sets a negative tone to your thoughts and action. Instead, a relevant question would be What can I do to make sure I increase my chances of winning the deal ? What did I do well? What could I improve on ?

Questions are good for persuasion and convincing somebody, for enquiry, for building rapport and relationship, for being a good conversationalist. Listening is of utmost importance in the latter two instances.

Reflection begins with asking empowering questions of oneself.

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Self-awareness is critical to your success.

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How do we use the power of questions to reflect on our own lives and move forward ?

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1. What is your tennis ball?

This question, is from a spectacular commencement speech given by Drew Houston, the CEO of Dropbox, for MIT’s 147th Commencement held June 7, 2013.

To quote Houston, “I was going to say work on what you love, but that’s not really it. It’s so easy to convince yourself that you love what you’re doing — who wants to admit that they don’t? When I think about it, the happiest and most successful people I know don’t just love what they do, they’re obsessed with solving an important problem, something that matters to them. They remind me of a dog chasing a tennis ball: their eyes go a little crazy, the leash snaps and they go bounding off, plowing through whatever gets in the way. I have some other friends who also work hard and get paid well in their jobs, but they complain as if they were shackled to a desk.”

“So after today, it’s not about pushing yourself; it’s about finding your tennis ball, the thing that pulls you. It might take a while, but until you find it, keep listening for that little voice.”

It is about figuring out what you enjoy doing the most, what kind of activity makes you come alive, what do you feel most enthused about. Once you’ve figured out what brings out the best in you, you have to figure out how are you going to incorporate that into your day-to-day life?

2. What are your superpowers?

This is to determine your strengths, traits and altitudes. These are unique to you and this is what enables you to overcome challenges and deal effortlessly with any situation that life throws at you. Your strengths is something you determine by self-awareness and by a conversation with a Coach.

3. What are you grateful for?

Do you take things that you have and the people who stand by you for granted? Gratitude reminds us to be positive and help us move forward. It is easy to complain, criticize and condemn. To be thankful for a positive experience and from a negative experience is fulfilling and helps us let go.

4. What legacy do you wish to leave behind?

If you answered oh, what difference can I make, I’m a drop in the Ocean. Think again. If you believe that you can make a difference and do and be that person who can make a difference, you will be able to. Another way of thinking about the same question is to ask yourself, Looking back on your career and life, 15 or 30 years from now, what will you be proud of what you’ve accomplished? This is a great forward moving statement that can help you put things in perspective

5 . What am I doing now?

This helps you to think about what you are committed to right now and ask yourself if that ties in with your dream, your purpose and passion. In answering what you are doing now, you convert an intention to action. It is great to dream an intention to get somewhere is useless without an action.

These are some questions which you can ask yourself on the path of self-reflection and send-awareness. By questioning you encourage divergent thinking, tap into creativity and you set yourself on a motivating path.

What would asking the right question make possible for you in your life ?

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Where’s The Respect, Courtesy and Professionalism Gone?

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Excuse me, may I get something from my locker. I will be real quick. That was the voice I heard behind me at the ladies changing room at the gym today. That was music to my ears. I immediately moved, smiled and acknowledged the grace and sweetness with which this lady had spoken. I thanked her for her courtesy. Hearing my comment another lady from the far end remarked, OMG, you are so right. One rarely gets to hear a true form of apology or gratitude or excuse me these days. On her way out she apologized to me saying, I couldn’t help making that remark. I smiled and told her that she made a valid observation and there was no need to be apologetic and I thanked her for her support.

While it takes only a few words to make someone’s day, words poorly chosen have the inordinate power to start an argument, spoil someone’s day, destroy relationships, lead to arguments, and cause embarrassment. 

Three simple words “Sorry”, “Thank you”, “Please” have the immense potential to empower your communication, build rapport and enhance relationships when used with the proper tone and intention.

I say proper tone and intention because I have been at the receiving end of “sorry” with absolutely no apology intended. A week back, I suddenly get a jolt in my elbow and before I could even recover from my excruciating pain, this man says sorry and again rudely steps his shoes over my feet and my toe nail comes off. He doesn’t bother saying sorry and he marches off pretending to be unaware of what he had done. I come across similar types of behavior in the elevators of building, at offices and also at the gym. I take the example of the gym many times because to me a gym is where you go to work out, get healthy and in turn build your endurance. That means over time you should adopt the right attitude no matter the tearing hurry you may be in. If you cannot be courteous and ride over your challenges at the gym, what is the point in going for a workout?

Isn’t life similar to the gym? Because life is presenting you with some unnerving moments doesn’t mean you have the right to stomp over somebody else with your attitude and actions.

Yet in today’s so-called well-connected digital and fast paced world that we live in, we care more about speed with which we achieve results instead of the quality. Yes… We are dealing with multi tasks and juggling with many issues at the same time. We are hard pressed for time, yet by no means does that give us the right to behave aggressively or arrogantly to one another. Just because we sit behind computers trying to build rapport and relationships, it doesn’t mean we throw etiquette, courtesy and respect out of the window.

When did any of us stop appreciating courtesy or an apology? If the answer is never, why has “I’m sorry” changed to “I’m sorry but” or I appreciate what you are saying morphed into “I appreciate what you are saying, however “

Why have we become so stingy in being appreciative of something that somebody has done or acknowledging somebody’s email?

I find it appalling when people write so many blogs on leadership and yet when you interact with some of them, they seem to be lacking the courtesy to acknowledge or be thankful.

Communication is complete only if the words are expressed in a tone and manner that is congruent to what the words mean. Silent gratitude and apologies are no good.

Words are an important part of our communication but when there is in-congruency between the words, body language and tone, we pay more attention to the non verbal. Research by Albert Mehrabian has indicated that in cases where we are incongruent, we give

7% of meaning in the words that are spoken.
38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the tone).
55% of meaning is in facial expression.

In the world of chats, IM, hangouts and every other form of digital media which we live in, we forget to frame our thoughts and words. We don’t take time to acknowledge emails, messages, tweets, chats and we say things without recognizing the impact of our words or cryptic one word responses.

Would you shrink in your status or size if you said a genuine sorry or please or Thank you.

Would you downgrade yourself if you acknowledged somebody?

Would you belittle yourself if you showed gratitude or appreciated someone for a job well done? Click To Tweet

Effective communication starts with your feelings, your thoughts and the attitude you take to every situation. Click To Tweet. It is these thoughts that translates into words, body language and tone in your voice. Are they congruent? Are they effective?

Are you leading by example in the way you communicate? Click To Tweet

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