Little Things That Matter

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How To Give Feedback That Matters

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The training starts at 9 am. All, but 2 participants arrive either early or on time. However, the training doesn’t start till after the two participants have arrived which is at 9:07 am.

At the gym, in the RPM class of 30 members, ten to fifteen members work beyond their comfort zone and they work out because they are interested in making a difference to their training. The rest of them are in the class as if someone has forced them to be there. The instructor gives more attention to these non-performers.

A group of people decide to write a book together, and in the sub groups some of them submit their chapters on time and others don’t. Yet the people who submit on time are not acknowledged or worse still the whole process gets stuck because of people who don’t bother keeping up to the agreed deadlines.

Mary is in a team of five people within a multi-national firm. She works in their business development and strategic planning function. Mary is a lateral thinker, learns new concepts and skills rapidly and applies it in new and untested ways to achieve spectacular results. She may not be an expert on every aspect but is quick to accommodate, adapt, learn and apply, yet achieve more than the results expected. Two others in her team are good in their own way. Mary or the other two don’t seem to get any praise or positive feedback. Their efforts are not only taken for granted but not acknowledged.

What is common in all the above scenarios?

Giving feedback, praise, appreciation …. A critical skill and yet ignored by leaders, managers, coaches and many people in their daily walk of life.

As a child, haven’t we been encouraged, praised, ‘wowed at’ when we walked for the first time. For those who are parents of small kids haven’t you adored and been ecstatic when your little child walked for the first time. You didn’t criticize your child for not having walked properly or falling down when he or she took his first step or took the walking for granted and completely ignored the fact that your child had walked for the first time. Twenty years down the line, do you think you or your child have stopped wanting appreciation?

When did we stop wanting recognition or praise? NEVER

In my coaching sessions with managers or leaders of organizations, I find managers struggling to give feedback that consists of positive comments. The struggle that most people have with giving praise is what do I tell them other than commenting “awesome” or “spectacular”. That kind of comment made often sounds like flattery instead of genuine appreciation.

As human beings we all like to be recognized and genuinely praised irrespective of age, gender or personality.

How do we give feedback or appreciation ?

1. Listen and observe 

Do not underestimate the power of listening and observing. In doing so, you’ll be able to notice the specific things that people in your personal or work life do well. This provides you with evidence to be able to praise the person and acknowledge that they did something well. Worse still don’t ignore the fact that someone has been on time, someone has made an effort to work hard and smart and someone has met deadlines.

2. Little things that matter

“Praise the slight improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise” Dale Carnegie. Every small achievement matters. Appreciate even the small gestures because that makes the receiver feel good and encouraged.  

Silent #appreciation or #gratitude is as good as none. #peopleskills #neuroscience #brain #leadfromwithin #life

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3. Genuine appreciation  

If you give specific appreciation instead of overloading with just adjectives, you’ll be able to show genuine interest. In organizations, as managers of teams or as leaders why not get to know someone in terms of their strengths and their interests? Make observations on how they act and behave and do things. We are emotional beings and it helps to have an EQ that makes another person feel “You Matter“.

4. Feedback culture

Cultivate a habit in your daily life of giving appreciation to those in your life. Develop a culture within your organization to give and receive feedback. Feedback needs to be positive and if you have an area of development to point out, do so, but definitely do not load it with negatives and criticism. None of us need help with criticizing ourselves. Each of us are experts on that. Don’t wait for a 360° feedback process at the end of the year, that is done like a chore instead of truly using it as a way of providing genuine feedback and appreciation. Feedback should be ‘continuous’ so that people know what they are doing well, what do they see as challenges and thus need to work   on developing.

#Relationships are not like a robot. You need to treat them with care and that is key to building #peopleskills.

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What are you doing to build and strengthen #relationships? #leadfromwithin #peopleskills

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Are you “seeing” people?

“I see you. You matter.”

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

Accountability and YOU

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Photo Credits : Lalita Raman

This morning, when I went to my bank to transfer money out of one of the maturing time deposits, I was in for a major shock. The relationship manager, of this bank with whom I have banked with for over twenty years, tells me I cannot transfer the money out because they cannot find my signatures and the only way I can transfer is to sign a whole load of account opening documents again. Time was of essence here because I had to get the funds out by tomorrow which is exactly why I had timed my deposit in a way that it will mature today.

I tried to make sense of this and explained calmly and patiently to this woman, but she was in her own world, not listening nor showing any signs of interest. She kept repeating what I had to do. There was no apology or even the faintest inclination to accept that they had messed up and lost the documents and they were wrong. Forget care, empathy or customer service but I was left speechless at the behavior of this officer from this multinational global bank. People like her who show no accountability tarnish not only their reputation but also of the organization they work with.

I remembered the story of four people, named Everybody, Nobody, Somebody and Anybody in a team. They had to meet an important deadline within a day and Everybody has to contribute to get the final outcome. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Somebody was annoyed because he thought it was Everybody’s responsibility. Everybody thought why him, Anybody could do it. But Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

So in all the could have, should have and would have the deadline was not met and the company lost an important client. This is a classic case of not being accountable.

In day-to-day dealings with many people, many of their behaviors makes me wonder “Have we lost the trait of “Being Accountable”?”

Mistakes are a part of life and yes we do mess things up but when things get messed up, why lie ? There is no point denying, giving excuses and playing the blame game.

A significant part of my entire day wouldn’t be wasted had this officer of the bank apologized and accepted that they had messed up and misplaced the documents. Yes that in itself is a grave mistake but had she apologized I might have considered spending some time to sign the forms.

Haven’t we ever so often heard people say I didn’t do it or I am not responsible, it is a regulatory requirement or my operations team is responsible.

You can’t blame organizations when people working in those organizations live on excuses. These excuses are not necessarily part of the system. It finally boils down to who you are and how you behave no matter what the circumstance is ?

Don’t blame the policies and the regulations for a mistake that you did. Be accountable for everything you do or don’t do.

What is important in accountability?

1. Accountability starts with YOU – it is who you are. It is about being true to your word and it comes from within.

2. Accountability stays with You –  no matter the situation, you show you are accountable. You show your ownership and don’t engage in the blame game. If you are working in an organization and you are the customer facing person, you represent your company and take responsibility no matter the mess. Internally you engage with your team members and get it fixed and make sure that the person responsible for the mistake realizes the repercussions of the mess.

3. Accountability is about EQ – it is having the Emotional Intelligence to behave and act in a manner warranted by the situation. It is being emotionally aware and present about the way you behave.

4. Accountability is about Commitment – you walk your talk and are consistent in all you do. Let your values be seen in your actions and behavior. If you cannot honor your word what credibility and image are you building ?

5. Accountability is about honesty – can you be relied on? Are you trustworthy and is that evident by your actions and in who you are

#Accountability to me is a measure of who you are, what you do and the results you produce.

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The results you produce will be in-consistent if either the being or doing goes out of sync. You accept full responsibility for your actions and behaviors in every circumstance because in each of these cases You have a choice.

You show you are accountable in who you are, what you do or didn’t do and the choices you make or not make and in that you reveal your integrity and thus your character.

How are you being #accountable ? #leadfromwithin

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The Power of Questions : 5 Secrets To Leading A Meaningful Life

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I was standing at the immigration queue last Friday, in Singapore, to catch a flight back home.

I was exhausted, yet couldn’t miss hearing a little girl of age may be 4-5 years old persistently asking her mom, mommy where is Daddy? So mommy answers her but she is still not quite satisfied with mommy’s answer. She changes tact and asks her mom, what are you holding in your hand ? So her mom replies to her saying passports. So she asks, is mine with you ? She gets a response from her patient mom. Then she asks her mom, you are holding 3, one is mine, other is yours, whose is the third one ? So her mom says, darling that is your dad’s passport.

She then in her sweet little voice loudly and clearly calls out to her dad, daddy do you want your passport? If yes, you better come here with us. Lo and behold she managed to get her dad with her.

What stood out for me was the way this little girl got to her end goal and she did all of that by asking questions of her mom.

Children are persistent with questions and they do get answers to their never ending questions.

I was amazed at how this little girl by asking 5-6 questions got the information out and laid her path to solve her jigsaw puzzle. In the end she achieved her end goal of getting her dad to stand in the same queue as her.

Asking relevant Questions is a powerful tool. The right questions inspire creativity, insights, drive connection and engagement and get desired results and breakthroughs.

By asking different type of questions, depending on the information you seek to get, (Open, fact based, probing, coping, what if ), you get bits of information and build on this to arrive at the final destination.

Wondering why I said constructive and right. Imagine if you lost the biggest deal of the decade. First thing you would probably ask yourself is what is wrong with me? What did I screw up? These kind of questions sets a negative tone to your thoughts and action. Instead, a relevant question would be What can I do to make sure I increase my chances of winning the deal ? What did I do well? What could I improve on ?

Questions are good for persuasion and convincing somebody, for enquiry, for building rapport and relationship, for being a good conversationalist. Listening is of utmost importance in the latter two instances.

Reflection begins with asking empowering questions of oneself.

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Self-awareness is critical to your success.

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How do we use the power of questions to reflect on our own lives and move forward ?

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1. What is your tennis ball?

This question, is from a spectacular commencement speech given by Drew Houston, the CEO of Dropbox, for MIT’s 147th Commencement held June 7, 2013.

To quote Houston, “I was going to say work on what you love, but that’s not really it. It’s so easy to convince yourself that you love what you’re doing — who wants to admit that they don’t? When I think about it, the happiest and most successful people I know don’t just love what they do, they’re obsessed with solving an important problem, something that matters to them. They remind me of a dog chasing a tennis ball: their eyes go a little crazy, the leash snaps and they go bounding off, plowing through whatever gets in the way. I have some other friends who also work hard and get paid well in their jobs, but they complain as if they were shackled to a desk.”

“So after today, it’s not about pushing yourself; it’s about finding your tennis ball, the thing that pulls you. It might take a while, but until you find it, keep listening for that little voice.”

It is about figuring out what you enjoy doing the most, what kind of activity makes you come alive, what do you feel most enthused about. Once you’ve figured out what brings out the best in you, you have to figure out how are you going to incorporate that into your day-to-day life?

2. What are your superpowers?

This is to determine your strengths, traits and altitudes. These are unique to you and this is what enables you to overcome challenges and deal effortlessly with any situation that life throws at you. Your strengths is something you determine by self-awareness and by a conversation with a Coach.

3. What are you grateful for?

Do you take things that you have and the people who stand by you for granted? Gratitude reminds us to be positive and help us move forward. It is easy to complain, criticize and condemn. To be thankful for a positive experience and from a negative experience is fulfilling and helps us let go.

4. What legacy do you wish to leave behind?

If you answered oh, what difference can I make, I’m a drop in the Ocean. Think again. If you believe that you can make a difference and do and be that person who can make a difference, you will be able to. Another way of thinking about the same question is to ask yourself, Looking back on your career and life, 15 or 30 years from now, what will you be proud of what you’ve accomplished? This is a great forward moving statement that can help you put things in perspective

5 . What am I doing now?

This helps you to think about what you are committed to right now and ask yourself if that ties in with your dream, your purpose and passion. In answering what you are doing now, you convert an intention to action. It is great to dream an intention to get somewhere is useless without an action.

These are some questions which you can ask yourself on the path of self-reflection and send-awareness. By questioning you encourage divergent thinking, tap into creativity and you set yourself on a motivating path.

What would asking the right question make possible for you in your life ?

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Where’s The Respect, Courtesy and Professionalism Gone?

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Excuse me, may I get something from my locker. I will be real quick. That was the voice I heard behind me at the ladies changing room at the gym today. That was music to my ears. I immediately moved, smiled and acknowledged the grace and sweetness with which this lady had spoken. I thanked her for her courtesy. Hearing my comment another lady from the far end remarked, OMG, you are so right. One rarely gets to hear a true form of apology or gratitude or excuse me these days. On her way out she apologized to me saying, I couldn’t help making that remark. I smiled and told her that she made a valid observation and there was no need to be apologetic and I thanked her for her support.

While it takes only a few words to make someone’s day, words poorly chosen have the inordinate power to start an argument, spoil someone’s day, destroy relationships, lead to arguments, and cause embarrassment. 

Three simple words “Sorry”, “Thank you”, “Please” have the immense potential to empower your communication, build rapport and enhance relationships when used with the proper tone and intention.

I say proper tone and intention because I have been at the receiving end of “sorry” with absolutely no apology intended. A week back, I suddenly get a jolt in my elbow and before I could even recover from my excruciating pain, this man says sorry and again rudely steps his shoes over my feet and my toe nail comes off. He doesn’t bother saying sorry and he marches off pretending to be unaware of what he had done. I come across similar types of behavior in the elevators of building, at offices and also at the gym. I take the example of the gym many times because to me a gym is where you go to work out, get healthy and in turn build your endurance. That means over time you should adopt the right attitude no matter the tearing hurry you may be in. If you cannot be courteous and ride over your challenges at the gym, what is the point in going for a workout?

Isn’t life similar to the gym? Because life is presenting you with some unnerving moments doesn’t mean you have the right to stomp over somebody else with your attitude and actions.

Yet in today’s so-called well-connected digital and fast paced world that we live in, we care more about speed with which we achieve results instead of the quality. Yes… We are dealing with multi tasks and juggling with many issues at the same time. We are hard pressed for time, yet by no means does that give us the right to behave aggressively or arrogantly to one another. Just because we sit behind computers trying to build rapport and relationships, it doesn’t mean we throw etiquette, courtesy and respect out of the window.

When did any of us stop appreciating courtesy or an apology? If the answer is never, why has “I’m sorry” changed to “I’m sorry but” or I appreciate what you are saying morphed into “I appreciate what you are saying, however “

Why have we become so stingy in being appreciative of something that somebody has done or acknowledging somebody’s email?

I find it appalling when people write so many blogs on leadership and yet when you interact with some of them, they seem to be lacking the courtesy to acknowledge or be thankful.

Communication is complete only if the words are expressed in a tone and manner that is congruent to what the words mean. Silent gratitude and apologies are no good.

Words are an important part of our communication but when there is in-congruency between the words, body language and tone, we pay more attention to the non verbal. Research by Albert Mehrabian has indicated that in cases where we are incongruent, we give

7% of meaning in the words that are spoken.
38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the tone).
55% of meaning is in facial expression.

In the world of chats, IM, hangouts and every other form of digital media which we live in, we forget to frame our thoughts and words. We don’t take time to acknowledge emails, messages, tweets, chats and we say things without recognizing the impact of our words or cryptic one word responses.

Would you shrink in your status or size if you said a genuine sorry or please or Thank you.

Would you downgrade yourself if you acknowledged somebody?

Would you belittle yourself if you showed gratitude or appreciated someone for a job well done? Click To Tweet

Effective communication starts with your feelings, your thoughts and the attitude you take to every situation. Click To Tweet. It is these thoughts that translates into words, body language and tone in your voice. Are they congruent? Are they effective?

Are you leading by example in the way you communicate? Click To Tweet

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

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The Zestful Way To Live An Intentional Life

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When I’m delivering training or coaching one of my goals is to enable the participants to make the shifts that they see is necessary and to facilitate insights and breakthroughs that they want to have. A breakthrough or an insight which will help them lead an intentional life. Recently, one of the participants asked me, “what do you mean by “leading an intentional life”? As soon as this participant asked me this question, I was reminded of something that I had learnt from one of my yoga instructors.

One of my yoga instructors at the beginning of every class asks us to set an intention and through the class she asks us to remind ourselves of this intention that we set. I could not relate to this couple of years back until one day, I decided to set an intention- an intention to smile no matter the challenge I face during the one hour. The change in my focus and the lightness that I felt in my mind, mid-way during the session, was phenomenal.

Our minds wander with several thoughts during the day and this tends to intensify when we are faced with adversities or challenges. Setting an intention which will help our mind to focus on in an hour of yoga is not as easy as it sounds, yet it helps to steer the wandering mind to get back on track. Some days is easier than other days and it is a matter of training the mind to let go of wandering thoughts.

Setting an intention to Life and her moments is no different from that of one hour in yoga or at the gym. In fact it is part and parcel of our life.

“When we cling to thoughts and memories, we are clinging to what cannot be grasped. When we touch these phantoms and let them go, we may discover a space, a break in the chatter, a glimpse of open sky. This is our birthright—the wisdom with which we were born, the vast unfolding display of primordial richness, primordial openness, primordial wisdom itself. When one thought has ended and another has not yet begun, we can rest in that space.” – Pema Chodron

Many of us go through our days and lives by going through the motions, doing things at work and home without much forethought. Compare this with living an intentional life, where you keep your focus on the purpose of doing something – everything you do is done with a conscious intent and based on your core values.

If you think about it, we do everything with an ultimate goal. To reach that goal, not everything may be enjoyable but needs to be done to get there. In some of these moments we go about the task possibly on auto pilot. For example, if I am having guests over for dinner, as much I may not enjoy cleaning the dishes I need to get it done so that my kitchen is clean. Take another instance, in order to market my business and what I do, I need to go for networking events though all of them may not be enjoyable and inspiring.

Intent is always there but sometimes we forget and go through the motions in such a way that it feels like a chore.

How can you live your life intentionally despite the uncertainty and unpredictability that life offers?

Start by asking questions of yourself,

1. What beliefs of mine are holding me back ? What are the alternate ways of thinking, if any ? Can I get some other perspectives ? How can I encourage myself to have more green light thinking and overcome my inner fears and doubts?

2. How did I overcome my last challenge? When have I felt competent or successful? Think about this through different stages in your life. Make an inventory by keeping a journal. When did I feel most vibrant, energized and alive? How can I connect back to those moments in the present ?

3. What can I do that is within my control? Manage your own behavior and actions because that is the only thing that is within each of our control.

4. What does my ideal world look like? What is that I need to do to get closer to that dream? Start with what an ideal day looks like and keep adding to your list of success. Reward yourself with wins no matter how small or big they are. Learn to be gratuitous in life because that changes your attitude to life and helps to bring in more positivity.

5. How do I want to be perceived? What matters? What can I let go of? Are my behaviors and actions in sync with my values?

Living with intention is to finally connect with your authentic self, where your batteries are recharged and you feel lighter in your mind and everything you do feels good no matter how difficult or challenged it may be. Click To Tweet

Living an intentional life leads to a more purposeful and effective approach to life – a life where you can seek to create greater impact and satisfaction in whoever you are and whatever you do. Click To Tweet

How are you creating an intentional life for yourself?

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

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The Secret To Self-Confidence

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He is a charming person but when you meet him for the first time and several times thereafter, what you see is that his body language is one of indifference, his facial expressions is one of dis-interest and he rarely looks you in the eye whilst conversing with you. He has a sarcastic comment on almost everything mentioned by somebody else. How do you see the charm in such a person?

His name is David and I was assigned to him as his coach. I had a chemistry meeting with him and he chose me as his coach. I felt uncomfortable with My chemistry meeting with him, yet decided to accept the assignment because something in me told me that what we see in David may not be his real self. David had self-confidence issues. He was one of the seniors in his office but had missed the role of heading up the business twice because of the way people perceived him and the way he came across in his body language and tone of voice.

Self-confidence is something most of us can enhance in many areas. We may be self-confident in the way we communicate in our office amongst our colleagues, in front of clients and at home but may be lacking the self-confidence, if we have to address a crowd of 200 people extempore. David’s issue with self-confidence was one of not trusting himself and falling victim to his fears and doubts. His current boss saw the potential in David and assigned him a coach.

What contributes to your self-confidence?

Self Confidence is about self-awareness and self-respect. Your self-awareness and self-respect contributes to your self-talk.

1. Self-Awareness – this is the conscious awareness of your own character, your strengths, your traits, and your skills. What is your identity ? It comes from our ability to accept ourselves while focusing on our positive side. This is how our self-confidence is positively influenced. It is easy to give power to our negative thoughts and weakness, however they do more damage than good. It is about identifying who you are and no matter what the situation what are you capable of ?

2. Self-Respect – how do you look at yourself with dignity and respect in your down and out moments ? Make an inventory of your achievements, the way you overcame the last challenging moment in your life and about every aspect in your life that makes you who you are. It is about trusting yourself and going with your instinct and looking back at every learning you had in your adverse moments and how you reached your goal.

3. Self-Talk – self-awareness + self-respect = self-talk. Self-talk is positive, backed by the evidence from self-awareness and self-respect.

Let your self-talk be one where you can make continuous improvements in your growth areas and where you encourage yourself to get to where you want to go. Click To Tweet

It is not about giving in to your fears and doubts and having them empower you but in finding your strength in every mode of life to do what you want to do and in all that be who you are or want to be.

David had self-confidence issues and he tried to mask that by his indifference and tone. Without his realization, his mask had become his biggest inhibitor to success.

Self-confidence is not about being arrogant or aggressive. It is about enabling yourself to be your best with humility. Click To Tweet

How are you enhancing your self-confidence?

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

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Smile and the World Smiles With You

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Photo Credits : Lalita Raman

Photo Credits : Lalita Raman

I was conducting a group coaching session few weeks back and one of the participants didn’t smile throughout the first day. Every time I looked at this participant and engaged with her, the smile was missing, no matter what the discussion or activity was. The participant got the benefit of the group coaching and this was evident from her feedback and by her behavior towards the end of the session on day 3.

Smile was something she never associated with the business world. She lived so much in achieving her goal and when she was in that frame of mind, she forgot to smile. She forgot that smiling made her look natural and less stressed when she was communicating and engaging in the business world.

Have you observed that in the Doctor’s waiting room there is rarely a smile visible. Two years back, I was waiting at the Doctor’s clinic, for an X-ray, since I had a bad fall and a suspected fracture. There was no one in the waiting room for the Radiologist, so when he came up to me and asked me who was the patient, I was taken aback. I told him that I am the patient who is waiting to get an X-ray done on my ankle. He couldn’t believe it and the reason he stated was because I was smiling!

Yes, hospitals and doctors’ clinic waiting room are typically bereft of a smile. There is an atmosphere of glum and this fuels the negativity that exists in that moment in our own minds.

Smiling when one is undergoing a challenge, adversity or pain is difficult but not impossible.

Have you noticed how babies win the heart of others by their wonderful and spontaneous smile ?

Dogs are a hit with dog lovers. They are so glad to see you and there is no one who welcomes you the way your dog does. They are so glad to see their human friends that they jump out of their skins and aren’t we glad to see them.

Smile is something we often take for granted. Yet there is magic about a genuine smile.

Why Smile? Smile because

1. It’s worth it.
2. It brings a smile on someone else’s face and makes their day.
3. It makes you happy as much as you make up your mind to be.
4. It eases the challenge and adversity in that moment and sends positive signals to your brain.
5. It minimizes the stress and overwhelm in that moment, thus giving you insights.  Click To Tweet
6. It brings out the humility and humanity in you.
7. It helps you create the right attitude to that moment.
8. It opens the door to new connections and relationships.
9. A spontaneous smile happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
10. Nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give in that moment. Click To Tweet

You are your brand and why not be a messenger of good will with your smile. Click To Tweet

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

Is It Worth Analyzing The Why?

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James bid goodbye to this world a month back.

James was in his mid thirty’s and someone with whom life played games on many counts repeatedly. It is difficult to not feel James’s absence. He was lively, energetic and one who was a spectacular symbol of hope and optimism. James was differently abled in that he had lost his two legs in an accident. He was a juvenile diabetic, suffered from rheumatism, arthritis and his kidneys had started failing.

Yes, life had challenged him on many fronts, yet he never gave up hope and never ceased to fill others’ life with hope and laughter in who he was and what he did. He sure left an impact in the lives of people he touched.

I had never met James but had heard about him and his life from my friend. My friend was devastated on his death and kept asking, Why Him? Why now? Why is it every time injustice is repeatedly done to people like James?

None of his questions were amiss and yet I heard my own thoughts asking, is it worth trying to figure out the why in everything that happens?

Why do we do what we do is important to reflect on and analyze to determine if we are our real self and if the conflicts that arise are as a result of deviation from our Why.

I am a big believer in analyzing the why and I do it all the time. Yet as an observer and a listener to my friend who was grieving the loss of James, I was questioning if analyzing the why here made sense?

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes we never find the reason. Life also has taught me that trying to find out the Why many times adds fuel to the suffering.

Not every aspect in our life is within our control and thus digging into the why adds to the agony. Click To Tweet

Do you find yourself asking

Why did this happen?
Why me?
Why now?
What were the reasons?

A resounding Yes. Yes, we, at various stages in our life ask these questions for oneself and about others? But rarely do we find the answers and sometimes even if we do, we are rarely wiser and in all likelihood have increased our suffering.

Even in organizations during interviews, many interviewers hound the potential candidates for why they did what they did instead of focusing on how they bounced back or what they did differently?

Why does get into the “Being” and it is not important to dwell into that especially when it involves another person. The same “Being” can be determined from the “how” and “what”

We can search for a reason or a rhyme until we suck the life out of oneself and others, but let’s reflect on..  Click To Tweet

1. Is it Worth It – we don’t choose what happens to us or to others but the choice to react in a way that will move us forward is entirely ours. Life is for living and not flogging the dead horse.

2. Why – many things that happens to us or others may not seem rational or logical. But trying to rationalize life and each of her challenges will only take the life out of living. Even if we find the reason that moment in life is not going to come back to us.

James will not come back and by my friend continuing to ask and suffer over it, is not going to change that result.

3. How – how we deal with what happens to us in that moment of challenge and vulnerability is important and yet most difficult. Yet if we make a conscious choice we may be able to push forward and live life.

Death and many other challenges in life are difficult to accept, yet remains a reality. The best we could do is to think of who that person was and continue to be or do something that will honor their values in the world they have left. In other cases, let us not lock oneself in a red light thinking but learn to pick up the pieces and embrace an opportunity which may be around the corner.

What Attitude are you going to choose to deal with the challenges of life?

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

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The Why, The What and The How

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I was in conversation with a friend of mine a fortnight back. She suddenly remarked …”I need to learn to like myself”. When I asked her why do you say that, her response, “I try to make everyone happy in what I am and what I do”, surprised me even more.

So I ask her, what is the latter got to do with you not liking yourself ? “Oh, I am disappointed all the time and that makes me try harder and it is a vicious cycle”.

The conversation went on for long and she realized that there is no way she can please everybody in life. She was getting distraught because somewhere along the way she was paying an excessive weight to pleasing everyone.

We don’t choose all the cards that we get to deal with and many of the cards that we are dealt with, we feel we don’t deserve.

The choice each of us can make is our attitude and the shift we consciously make to deal with the bumps that we face in life.  Click To Tweet

There will be some people who like you for what you are and what you do and yet others who don’t. However, what is important is how you behave, how you are in every aspect of life, at work and day-to-day. You can make an effort to live with integrity, and commitment and communicate well no matter the situation.

How can we make who we are, what we do and the results that we achieve as a result of being and doing in sync?

1. Why – at various times in our life we set a goal or a vision for ourselves so that we don’t become aimless wanderer’s in the path of life. In our mission we take to achieve the goals or visions we have set ourselves, we sometimes meet with situations in life where we feel we have bumped off our path. In these moments of confusion, it often helps to take a step back, reflect and ask ourselves, why do we do what we do?

2. What – what we do is important to achieve the vision we have set in life. In getting so involved in the what, we often lose track of the why. We get so involved in “the doing” to achieve the results, that we temporarily forget the why. The same “why” can be brought back to focus by questioning and reflecting on the “what we do”.

3. How – how do we achieve the goal that we have set for ourselves in who we are and the different roles that we play in life. “How” crystallizes the “why” because our being and who we are is reflected in the “how”. How do we achieve the results or the final goal reflects whether your ‘being’ and ‘doing’ is in sync.

To me, the “why” answers and reflects who we are or our being and our behaviors. The “what” reflects the activities that we engage in to achieve our vision and the “how” indicates the way we achieve our “why” and reflects our values and character.

If your path is deviating from your foundation and you see your behaviors and actions moving away from your core, it is time to reflect and gain control on your attitude and things that you do or don’t. Click To Tweet

It is the roller coaster ride of life that makes us who we are and during the peaks and troughs of life, ‘who’ we are (a combination of our ‘real’ self and the ‘ought to be’ self) and who we wish (ideal self) to be, should get closer and closer.

Being close to your ideal self begins with understanding what drives and motivates you, and then figuring out what you really want to achieve in work and in life and why.

How are you living your life?

Does your ‘what’ and ‘how’ reflect your ‘why’?

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

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Accept The Change, Love Thy Self

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I was in a conversation with a friend of mine over the weekend and she suddenly remarked, I have become slow in whatever I am and in whatever I do. To quote “I feel I have become lethargic about a lot of things in my life. I feel I have lost my edge”. That statement caught my attention especially given her tone and facial expressions with which she said it. As soon as I heard her say that, I asked her how so?

The conversation went on for long as she was narrating several incidents in her life and how she had behaved. From her statements and the questions I asked her, I observed that she had become more mindful and conscious in a lot of things that she does. She thus feels frustrated at times that she is no longer the energetic and enthusiastic self that she was known for.

It was interesting that she made a strange connection between being mindful and being lethargic and thus dissociating herself with her energetic and enthusiastic younger self.

Are you disappointed with a conscious change you have made in life?

Have you reflected what these changes are and why you made those changes?

Do you consider yourself as a failure and somebody who has given up in life on account of some changes in your perspectives?

You are not a FAILURE if:

1. You are more conscious and aware in what you do instead of acting on impulse.

2. You think twice and don’t react to your emotions be it in responding to others verbally or in writing.

3. You have consciously slowed down in terms of how you plan your day instead of feeling constantly being on the rat race.

4. You are aware about your emotions and this awareness helps you to recognize your emotions and yet frame your communication in a way that it lands properly on the recipient.

5. You realize that when things don’t go as per your plan, it is not about you or the other person but it is about finding out what were the gap or interferences were that led to the plan not being met.

6. You realize that in your gym or yoga or exercise regime, each day is different and your body is different. Change is part of your body and each day is different and thus you need to keep an open mind.

7. You like action and fast pace but there are things in life you realize you need to step back. Accepting the latter doesn’t mean you have given up.

8. The circumstances in every aspect of your life is different from 15, 10, 5 or 1 year back and you need to change your way of thinking and the way you behave.

9. You are goal oriented and an achiever but your experiences have taught you that anger doesn’t help when the goal is not achieved as per your plans.

10. You take mini breaks to gain insights and help your lateral thinking.

You are not old if you have adapted to circumstances and made yourself more flexible in your attitude. We all need to evolve in our thinking and our behavior. Only way to do this is to keep an open mind, reflect, unlearn, relearn and look at things with a fresh perspective.

Don’t let your inner critique get the better of you. Avoid negativity.  Click To Tweet

Be Ambitious and Persistent But Do Only What You Can Do.    Click To Tweet

How flexible are you in making changes and accepting the new you?

For Coaching, Speaking or Training let’s connect.

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